Should i make up with my mum?

Question

We have'nt spoken for 3 years. She lives with a complete loser my step father for past 27yrs what he says goes. Yeh right!!!
She has'nt tryed to make contact with me or my 2 kids and when i did see her in the street i got abuse. i do miss her but i dont want him in my life she has disowned all her family to please him even her sister in australia. people say i should give her a go but the fact is i did exactly what she said to do and now im being punished why should i back down ?//

your all saying what my hearts telling me. thank you all your comments and suggestions are really helping. My kids are the important things in my life and they have plenty of people to love and support them. i just need to be clear in my head that my views are the right ones. Life is too short but shorter for her she has missed so much of the kids she cant get that back. ever.

He doesnt beat her or anything like that just controls her which i know is sometimes as bad.

No i would'nt do that to my kids i have learn't from her mistakes and this is the first time i been outcasted i grew up in kids home. My kids wont ever go through the same s*** they put me through

Answer 1

This is very sad. She let a man run her family off. You can try talking to her again, and tell her you love her and as long as feel the relationship between you and her is as toxic as it has been, you can't be a part of her life right now. But tell her that the door will be open when she is ready to have a healthy realtionship. Her priorities are not straight. Some women aren't necessarily good at being a "mother" or "grandmother". Unfortunately she had children, but couldn't fully commit to being a parent.

Sorry you have to go through this. But it's important for you and your children that you protect them and yourself from anything toxic and unhealthy.

Answer 2

I'm not trying to defend your stepfather because I don't really know the whole story but I do know that if they have been together for 27 years then it can't be that bad. Maybe your stepfather saw things differently. Sometimes kids can stress parents out or become dependent on them well into adulthood. I do feel that your mother should get to know her grandchildren they are innocent and have nothing to do with whatever problems you and your mother are having. But if she has to go through alot of changes when she trys to make contact with them, then maybe that is why she does not. A mother, even a not so good mother not to want to see her children or grandchildren, well there has to be something that i am missing. It doesn't make sense.

Answer 3

WOW! Try calling her or sending her an email if she has one. Tell her how you feel and that you miss her. You don't have to have relationship with your stepfather. You can voice your concerns to her about him once things get back on the right track with her. If she responds negatively then you must decided whether you will just live with the fact that she is married to an idiot, or not accept it and have nothing to do with her. What's most important is your kids. My fiance's mother is not the best person in world and I have no intention of ever leaving her alone with my kids whenever he and I choose to have some. They will never spend the night or the day without me or my husband there. If you know that your kids won't be safe in the presence of your mother and your stepfather, if you patch things up with her, then I would suggest to not even try. You want to set a good example, and kids remember terrible things in their childhood. Trust me, I know. I can have a big affect on them in the future. So before you do anything, think about your kids.

Answer 4

I would suggest that you write her a letter, don't bring up all the stuff that has happened as that will just make her defensive. Explain to her that you love her because she is your Mum and that you hope one day to have some kind of relationship with her. Tell her she can get in touch when and if she wants to and that if she ever needs help you will do your best to be there for her.
Then lead your life in the way you want too and rest easy in your heart because you have done what you can in terms of your relationship with your Mother. Good luck

Answer 5

This brings back memories, my mum married a complete loser like this and he was a total control control freak from what she was allowed to eat, who she could see, she even had to show him receipts for what ever money she spent but she didn't tell anyone what was going on (I only know about the receipts cause I've only just found them a few weeks ago) she wasn't allowed to see her family unless he said so. But for nearly 10 years she claimed to be happy and that she loved him even towards the end of the marriage when he was hitting her leaving big black bruises on the legs, arms and so on she wouldn't have a word said against him. Luckily she started to stand up for herself with the help of friends & family and admitted she was scared of being on her own and it was nice having someone round the house, but she's with a great guy now and couldn't be happier. When she gave you abuse in the street maybe that was her way of crying out for help, I hope not for her sake but maybe its something to think about (scarey I know) take care x

Answer 6

Normally my first reaction would be YES you must make up with your mum. However, reading your posting and add ons seems your mum is a 'one of' I am sorry but I cannot understand women that put a partner, more so if controlling before her kids. Sounds like you don't need more heartache. Believe me as a mum I am gutted to tell you that as I would be, putting it mildy DERANGED if I hadn't spoke to my kids for 3 years. All I can say is pray for a miracle and should your mum be the one to make contact welcome her with open arms. Sincere good wishes you will have a 'happy ending' to all this sadness.

Answer 7

i personally have a great relationship with my mum....now.
we never used to be good friends, but i found that after one of our many huge not talking to the beast fights i sat her down and buried the hatchet. look as parents you know yourself it's not always easy and we sometimes get it wrong but should we be blamed forever by the bad choice? so on one hand i say maybe you should just see it from her veiw this man she is with no matter how much you hate him, is the man she has chosen and as a adult of "grown" kids she has that right to allow whomever she wishes to watch her wrinkles go south with a smile.
but on the otherhand i say to you that you should thank your mum, i'm pretty sure noone else would change our shitty nappies and hold us all night, feed, clothe and educate us for the love of it, and lets face it she has sacrificed like all mothers do for her children. once you've got rid of any negitive thoughts or feelings towards your mum you should just look at yourself in the mirror and realise your a grown woman and should do whatever is best for you and your family. yes kids need grandparents but i know many who don't have them and are still well ajusted young adults.
LIVE AND LET LIVE LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WHINGE ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME

Answer 8

Well, she's your mother and I do think that family must stay together no matter what. I can imagine how hard the situation is with your step father, maybe you could talk to her and tell her that you want to keep seeing her, but not him. Would that work? Just try to find the way to keep in touch with her, making clear that you are not interested in him. I think it is important both for you and your mother and also for your kids to know their grandma!

Answer 9

I think you should leave her be . If she is going to disown her family for a man she needs to continue her miserable life . I know you miss her and love her but don't put your kids through that . Just write her a letter from time to time to let her know you miss her and don't forget her B- Day and holidays , send her a card . She has been with him for 27 yrs. and she is comfortable with him and most likely won't leave him . GOOD LUCK !!!!

Answer 10

You only will get one mother in your lifetime. Regardless of what has happend in the past she loves you. One of the hardest things to do with immediate family is to forgive and forget. The relationship in question is with your mother not your stepfather. Open your heart to her and see what happens. When YOU can change the way you look at others- others will change right before your very eyes!

Good luck!