Should I move out?

Question

My mom and I had a much better relationship when I lived a thousand milesd away. Now I moved back home this year (after college) and things are awful. She tells me what to wear, how to eat, when to spend time with my fiancee, and even who is going to be my fiancee's best man. I know she loves me and is lonely after her recent divorce, but I don't know how to put up boundaries with her because she hangs money, and the fact that I live with her, over my head. I've offered to pay rent, utilities, groceries, anything that will put us on a level ground, but she won't accept any money. My fiancee doesn't like her because he thinks she's controlling. So I feel pulled between pleasing her (which is what I would normally do) and standing up to her because that's what my fiancee wants. Should I just move out? I haven't because we live in Aspen and it's super expensive; I would have to get another job (my third) to pay for everything..... Should I do it?

Answer 1

You sound really stressed, and you don't have to be. You CAN put up boundaries with her; just pick your battles carefully and let the rest slide off.

She's obviously stressed, too; divorce plus having your child (and you'll always be her child) move back in plus whatever else has arisen for her are all strong stressors. Just be compassionate and empathetic; your calm caring will help her calm down.

Decide which of her ideas make sense and focus on those, thanking her for her ideas and noting when you follow them. As for the rest, acknowledge them and then ignore them; the way you live will set those boundaries faster than any words. If her bringing up the money and then refusing money from you still bothers you, open an account and put in the money you would have given her - and, then, at the appropriate time (e.g., your wedding?), give that money to her, with love and gratitude.

You can do this; you've just been too close to the problems to find the solutions. Keep your chin up and your heart open - and make it work.

Answer 2

Maybe you should try taking the competition out of the situation. Your mom is trying to make sure she is still the biggest influence in your life. She feels that she is in competition with your future husband and she is sending a message that she will still be your mother even after you are married, to you and to him.

Tell her that you think it's so cute that she still thinks of you as a little girl but that you are a grown woman and have to make your own mistakes and triumphs. And that goes for your fiancee as well. If you just say you appreciate her advise and do what you want to do anyway, eventually she will get the message and stop pushing you.

You do not have to move out to accomplish this. Put money on the table and a note saying its to cover your bills and then leave it there. Make sure that when you are home, you are responsible and don't let her mother you in other ways, like serving you or making you sandwiches, etc.

It's hard for mothers to let go, especially when they are lonely, but if you help her you can maintain a happy loving relationship and get her to respect you at the same time.

Answer 3

It is predestined that a couple should leave mother, father, to unite in one whole person. Get married. Most mothers would not dare ask their kids for money. They're happy that they're still living at home. They cook for them, clean for them, take care of them, etc. This is a mother thing.

For you to move out you are not rebelling against her. You are basically moving on, to be with your loved one. Because your mother is lonely right now, will it is obvious that she does not like the idea that you want out, and therefore she will do everything she can to keep you there.

Yes I know, living expenses are pretty tough right now. The best thing you can do right now is hang on, or just work something out with your fiancee and your finances to get yourself an apartment. Don't start big, because all that can become small and will end up in the same chapter again. Sit down with your fiancee, have a nice cup of coffee, and chat. Talk about what are your hopes, your expectations, as far as your marriage is concerned.

You have to build up a plan, without a plan, you will be confused as to which way to go. Start with something small, something simple, build your income, your capital and keep moving on.

Answer 4

It is very hard living with family. My husband and I moved in with his family after we found out we were having twins because it is very expensive here too. It is your choice whether you move out or not. However, you will never have a good relationship with your mother if you aren't "brutally" honest with her. Sometimes the truth hurts. Do you love her enough to be truthfull with her? Also if you get married she will want to tell you how to raise your children if you don't stop her now. My mother-in-law is rude to me and hurts my feelings all the time and I was told not to say anything to her or hurt her feelings. I hated her because of it. It caused a major rift between me and others in my family too because I felt like she was more important to everyone than me. Just be honest. If she throws up money tell her that if money is more important to her than you then she can have it back. (She won't accept it anyway.)

Answer 5

three jobs is not possible or healthy. what about you and your fiancee moving out together and splitting the bills. or just tell your mom look I'm a adult please don't tell me when I can come home, or what to wear, Times change along with styles of clothes. If she doesn't except any money buy your own food soaps, etc. and refuse to use hers. so that way she cant say she is supporting you.

Answer 6

Stay only as long as you need to- until you can afford a place of your own without working yourself sick, or until you get married. Your mom needs to step back to give you room to breathe, but your fiance isn't being fair either- since he knows you're stuck in the middle. Obviously he isn't in a position to help you move out and offer financial support, or he would right? So he needs to back off a bit too. Bide your time, get a place of your own once you're financially secure (or married, or both) and good luck.

Answer 7

Move out women!!!! You will always be your mothers little girl. Of course she is controlling. Your her little girl and it is her place. You and your fiancee get a place together and split the cost. Do what is best for yourself, please yourself.
Good luck.

Answer 8

Moving back home was a stupid move cause she will always mother u. I only got to visit my mother and she tells me how to lead my life.

Answer 9

Oh... just remember that we only have "one mother" and you're lucky compared to other people that your mom cares for you. maybe you can talk to her about your problem with her and i know she loves you and shes lonely. sometime in your life in the future, you will miss how your mom will care for you. enjoy her attention and if it's too much, try to talk to her and make her understand. please dont talk back to your mom, she only wants your love and attention.

Answer 10

i couldn't say it any better than the 2nd answer to this question by "tonette b". She says it all! I feel the same way.