Am I as bad as he makes me feel?

Question

My dad's belief system....right or wrong???
'I am your dad you show me respect no matter what, I am right and even if I am wrong in your eyes you still don't argue with me.' (please keep in mind I'm 35,married and have 3 kids of my own) 'If I say you are wrong about something, even if you don't think you did anything wrong you should believe me and back down. ' Am I nuts in believeing that this is not correct?? We recently had an arguement and I said sorry for my part but I have been hurt to and deserve and apology, this was a week ago and still nothing. I know him, he will never call or write unless I give in completely. If I was wrong I would, no problem. But how do you bring yourself to appologize for something you never did? Am I wrong to stand my ground and insist on equal respect? Interested in your opinions.

Answer 1

You're 35. You have your own family. Why are you letting your father bother you?

Answer 2

How many times I have said sorry to my children for mistakes and things that I thought were right and were wrong and I am not at all scared to apologize if I am in the wrong. I think your dad needs to grow up . He is not that old fashioned and he can apologize. He is not always right even though he may think he is.
I don't know what to say. I think he needs to see the world in a wider horizon and see that you are a grown up
You are an adult with insight of your own. Your not a little girl anymore even if he wants you to be.
You may have to back down somewhat to keep on friends basis but he has to know that you do not have to give into something that you know is right.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and most of the time
many are half right and half wrong. Can't there be a compromise in the way this is being handled.
Do you have facts to present to him on the matter.
Show what you need to, to prove your point.
Proof Positive and thing positive even if he wants you lower than him Is he a controller?
When I was a child I spoke as a child
I no longer do that and have a voice too
Listen to what the heart says
Good luck I hope it works for you

Answer 3

No you are not wrong. Love your dad anyway, he is the only one that you will have. Let him think that you were wrong but if he is that stubborn 9 times out of 10 he will need you before you need him unless you are one of those daddy's girls and always run to daddy when she has a problem. Stand your ground and let him know that you have an opinion also and will express it at the appropriate time. Whatever you do; do not raise your hand up to either of your parents, that would be the most disrespectful thing that you could do. Let them have the upper hand and just go ahead with your life. Your children will see and have that respect in the future for you.

Good Luck and stick with your beliefs.

Answer 4

My dad behaves in a similar way. You have to come to an understanding that he is a very stubborn man and that he doesn't respect you as an individual. Don't apologize fo something you didn't cause. You have the right to stand your ground and demand equal respect. Don't let him control you. One thing though, do you and you family live in the same house as your dad? If you do, I would strongly advice you to discuss with your husband about getting a place of your own just for your own peace sake. When you're not living in the same house, your dad will not have anymore control over you.

Answer 5

You dad is using you. With other people and situations he will have give in and ACT right. With you he let out his negative energies and you absorb it fully. You have to stop!!! What kind of example are you giving your children? Men are always right and women are to be treated like shyt!? You will have to show streng in yourself and your loved ones.
You have to teach your father something very important....Respect!!
If he can not show you respect as a human being then he will suffer the consequences, not seeing you or your family again.
I know this sounds hard but look at it with an evolved mind. If he does not want to be a good human being and a loving father then you dont need him. Find yourself a new father, there is somebody out there that would like to be your dad. Somebody that will respect your feeling and thoughts. I know this sound really really hard, but I have a dad with his own issues, so I know and understand. I have new dad since about 20 years and he takes better care of me then my real dad. I see my real dad once a year and two years ago he got all soft and asked my forgivness for be such an looser. Since then we get along better, but I think what really did it was when he realized that my other dad was getting along alot better with "his" grandchildren. And now with my kids in their teens they understand why I kept them away from "those" kind of problems.
I hope you find the strength to fight for the respect you and your family deserves.
Good luck

Answer 6

You are old enough for your opinions to be valid and respected. As a teenager this is a good stance to take as a father but when your child is older you have to have a middle ground. You are not wrong in thinking this is ridiculous behavior. He may be your father, but you are both people with points that should be able to live peacefully even when you have to agree to disagree. He is the one acting like a child and if he wants to be part of your life and his grandchildren's then he will learn a valuable lesson about respect and apologize.

Answer 7

Isn't something how even at age 35 - when our parents yell at us it brings us back to being 12.
He will never say he's sorry. Respect is a two way street. I had an uncle like that - thinking back now gives me the creeps.
I would try to talk to him "with respect" and tell him how you feel. If he huffs and puffs -- you did all you could and in the future, if you can, just yes him whenever he has something to say.

Good Luck and try to smile!

Answer 8

That's a tough one. You're dad sounds like a jerk.

My dad wasn't quite a big an *** as yours, but I had to set the boundries.

For years we didn't talk... But then again, I think he initiated contact 2 or three times over 38 years (Mom split from him when I was 3).

When I finally let him back into my life, I made sure he understood that I would end it if I didn't feel comfortable. We maintained a working friendship but never a tight father son relationship.

You're too old to be treated like a child. You need to let him know that. If he doesn't like it, tough. Move on. Once you've set the boundries, he has to live with it or without you.

Good luck.

A~

Answer 9

if you have been giving in for this many years, good for you to stand up to your dad. Yes they do deserve respect to a certaine respect yet at the same time so do you. YOu have your own life now, you arnt wrong all the time, your dad should give a little. He will come around. Give him time to cool off, then talk to him about it, if he continues to say your point is wrong then tell him your reasons why you said what ever it is you said. Let him know you respect him and love him.. if he doesnt come around then thats his problem!

Answer 10

You aren't wrong. In fact, my father is the same way. He demands respect and almost blind loyalty, and feels that he should always be the one considered "right" in a disagreement even if he is indeed wrong and refuses to really hear my side. That's just an example. Unfortunately my dad is too set in his belief system for me to ever hope to change him at this point (I made an effort to discuss the situation with him calmly and rationally with no success) so I just chose not to live near him or speak to him often. I didn't cut off contact, but hey; he can't be arrogant to me or disrespect me if I'm not there. I still love him and write him letters and send emails and am by no means rude or curt with him, but I keep direct contact outside of family functions to a minimum. We just don't get along, he refuses to make an effort to treat me with the mutual respect that I deserve, so this works for us. My dad was a bit bitter about it and it did strain the relationship between us, but the strain of not seeing him as often didn't even compare to the stress of having to deal with his domineering, controlling ways. I really sympathize with you.

Answer 11

Kasa, my dad's attitude about what we kids owed him was: "I will be respected, and if I am not respected, I will be FEARED!"

...Which is a large part of the reason why I left home at 16, why after my mom died I pretty much stopped seeing him, and why when he became frail enough to need my assistance I insisted that he get into counseling with me to work on the way her relates to people.

Your dad needs to understand that respect is something that must be earned, it cannot be demanded. All he is doing is earning by the way he behaves is your fear and anger and contempt, and in doing so, putting distance between himself and you.

You are not wrong to stand your ground, but you must understand that someone like your father may not be able to change his behavior or attitude without some pretty heavy-duty counseling, which he will most likely deny he is in need of and avoid unless he has no other option. FWIW, he sounds like a man who is very insecure and driven by an almost pathological fear of not being able to control people.

If you put distance between yourself and your father, which I believe you would have a right to do, beware of him playing manipulation games. Once my father realized that he couldn't physically force me to do what he wanted, he started playing games telling me he was going to disinherit me. I told him to disinherit away, I didn't need and didn't want his money, and he became completely enraged at me. Hell hath no fury like a control freak who sees his victims escaping his control.

Your dad is unlikely to get into counseling or therapy, but it might be a good idea for you to go visit a counselor to better understand how to deal with your father. You do have a right to expect your father to respect you as a competent and equal adult, but you're unlikely to ever get that from him unless circumstances change drastically. You might feel better if a counselor helps you to understand how sad, frightened, and lonely your father probably is underneath all his anger.