Living Together/Not Living Together Before Marriage?

Question

I would like to have people who have either lived together or not lived together before they got married to list the pros and cons with their choice. Why did you move in together before marriage? Why didn't you move in together before marriage?

Answer 1

i lived with my husband before we got married why?
1. economics- we were roommates ,and had other roommates. it was cheaper on rent, utilities, etc
2. loved each other and wanted to be with each other
3. protection (i was living in a strange new city and wanted a man for protection. fine, not exactly feminist but who cares i got to sleep at night)

pros
1. strengthened our relationship. we knew that we wanted to get married, and living together helped us define who we were, without having the society pressure to play the role of "husband" and "wife"
2. cheaper rent
3. we got to really spread our wings. since we were together, two was more powerful than one economically especially, which meant more savings, travel, etc. however, people weren't expecting us to settle down and have kids as we weren't married
4. no pressure to have kids. the day after we got married, people started asking about the pitter patter of little feet
5. gave us time to grow up

cons
1. really wanted to wait to have sex until marriage, that really wasn't going to work.
2. after a while, getting married seemed "not important" (which was very bad, because it is important, and being a wife is very different than being a gf)
3. people don't take you very seriously, again being a wife is diff than being a gf
4. when we moved to a more conservative location, we were actually penalized for living together (you had to pay more money, go thru more hoops if you were married and wanted to rent an apt)

i wouldn't "shack up". my husband and i were committed to being together, even though we weren't married we didn't live alone together until we were engaged, and we fought for our relationship

Answer 2

As a Christian, I say living together before you get married is an excellent (and very practical) idea. My wife and I lived together for about 6 months before we got married. The pros...2 incomes, 1 rent. Financially it makes sense and helps to save up some money for the wedding. Also, it gave us a chance to see each other's living style before we made the full commitment to be married. This allows us to experience each other's little quirks and judge whether it is something we can live with. Another pro is that we are able to see each other all the time. We don't have to go somewhere to spend time with each other.

Cons...people will assume that living together means having sex. While that does occur, probably most of the time these days, they are two seperate and independant topics. More than likely, if you have sex when you live together...you'd be having sex if you weren't living together...you'd just have to go visit each other to do so. Con...as mentioned as a pro also, you see each other all the time. LOL! This is both a pro and a con. What you gain in convenience, you lose in freedom and independance. Not always, but for the most part.

Overall, I say it is a good thing. It can be very helpful in preventing a failed marriage down the road because you "just aren't compatible". And even if you do wind up having sex before marriage...from my Christian point of view, that's not as bad as lying to God by telling him that you will stay together until one of you dies...and then calling it quits because it just isn't working out.

Answer 3

My wife and I are very traditional and old-fashioned. We did not live together before we were married. I do not claim to be an expert on the subject but as far as I am concerned there are two ways to look at the question: 1) First we live together and if things work out we will get married or 2) First we take life-long marriage vows and then we do whatever is necessary to make our marriage work.

I have some friends who lived together before marriage. The arrangement worked well for them and they are still together, which is great. I remember asking a friend shortly after his wedding how everything was going. He said, in effect, everything is fine, it is no different than before. As strange as it may seem, his response reinforced my decision to not live with a woman before marriage. I think marriage is one of life's biggest milestones. I think marriage is and should be a life-changing event. My wife and I wanted our wedding day to be the first day of the rest of our lives. We wanted to be able to answer that question by saying "Marriage is wonderful". We did not want to answer "it is fine, same as before."

Answer 4

My current wife and I lived together for several years before getting married. I STRONGLY recommend it!! We dcided to live together because we suspected that we loved each other and wanted to be as close as possible.

Marriage was simply incidental. We are not at all religious, but liked the idea of having a big party to celebrate our love, and to help our religious (mostly catholic) family members be more comfortable. Plus, there are tax/govt benefits to being married, and less discrimination to deal with (for example, rental car co just today demanded to know if we were married).

So we decided to lie to the catholic church in order to be married at my wife's family church. They make you go through pre-marriage couseling and training. While their intentions are good - the training was terrible! At the same time, it was astonishingly apparent that most of the hundred or so couple in our classes barely knew each other! Some disagreed on so many fundamental issues, such as money and children, that it was easy to see that they would have disasterous marriages. Still, I doubt that any of them decided against marriage, despite this couseling/training.

It takes a long time to decide if you are compatible, and this process should REQUIRE premarital sex, since sexual differences really are a common reason for divorce and/or unhappiness.

The catholic church's policies against pre-marital sex and highly discouraging divorce, have caused enormous unnecessary misery.

Answer 5

We just got married since we were going to anyway and didn't want to save up for a fancy wedding. But I think living together first would be a good choice depending on the couple.

Answer 6

I didn't move in with my husband until our wedding night because 1) it's against our religion(Islam) for a man and woman to live together before marriage and 2) because my dang step dad kept coming home early so my husband and I couldn't leave my house without getting into trouble. You might have sex if you live with your husband before marriage.

Answer 7

My husband and I did not live together before we got married because we both had the goal to wait to have sex 'til our wedding night, and didn't want the extra temptation.

As for the test drive argument - that's just silly, we're humans, not cars. Would these people honestly find the man or woman of their dreams, love them unconditionally, want to spend the rest of their life with them, and then break up with them because they squeezed their toothpaste from the middle of the tube? Or weren't that great in bed?

From my experience, I think learning how to live together, learning and developing how to have a sexual relationship together is one of the most fun and bonding things a newlywed couple can do.

Answer 8

My fiance and I will be living together for about 3 years before we get married. We decided this because:

1. The law in Denmark says that a foreigner cannot marry a citizen until they are both 24 years of age. (I am 21).
2. Marrying him would mess up my student financial aid while going to college
3. I believe in living together before marriage so we can know if we're able to live together peacefully.
4. We get to learn each other's habits and other things and get comfortable enough living together that we actually will know how the other acts. (When someone is just visiting for the night, you always act on your best behavior.)

There are other reasons, but those are the main ones.

Answer 9

In my experience I did not find any cons of living together before marriage. We were able to see each others habits and come to terms with them before we married and that helped immensely.

Some people just cannot live together.. it's awfully expensive to figure that out after marriage...

Answer 10

We moved in together before we got married, but after we were engaged. Partially because of logistical reasons (he took a job in the part of the country where we ultimately decided to live anyway, so when I moved there I moved in with him), and partially because after nearly ten years of being together, and after being engaged for a year, it seemed really stupid to have two separate apartments.

I don't recommend it for people who are "together for six months and then move in together", or even for people who are "just bf/gf" (as opposed to engaged) and think that living together will somehow "convince" one partner or the other that they should get married.