Why do most parents not forgive theier kids when they make mistakes?

Question

I'm 15, I've noticed that when you make a mistake it's much easier to be forgiven by friends and even other adults than by your parents. It seems parents never forgive, when a kid messes up they frequently punish them in a way that breaks his/her spirit, destroy his/her self-esteem and leaves wounds that in many cases last forever. Parents are the ones who hurt kids the most, who dont forget and always comes back to what happened so as to remind their kids the made mistakes. Why do they act like thgat, why do parents have to hurt so much their kid's feeling and can't accept they make mistakes simply because they are human? That's whay I don't belive in uncontional love. And parents should remember that they were kids too and even now, as adults, they make mistakes.

Answer 1

while it is true that in "rare highly abusive" situations parents are harsh, unforgiving, ogres........But, more often than not, they are only doing the best they can. Keep in mind that children do not come with instruction manuals, and every child responds differently...some kids respond to "talking"..you can just sit down & talk with them & express disappointment & that is enuff..while others are headstrong & require stiffer penalties (ie:grounding, taking things away - limiting social activities - etc.) I rem all too well making boat loads of mistakes, and my "parents" trying to keep me from repeating the ones i had already made & from making any that would alter my future too terribly. Parents are the only people you'll know in your lifetime that will lay down and die for you, go hungary for you, do without for you, work two jobs for you, walk the floors when you're sick or when you're late for curfew & don't bother to call ..... you see them as being mean and unforgiving, they aren't unforgiving, they are only trying to lead you away from destruction & trying to show you how to have a better life than they have, that's what all loving parents want for their kids, (for your life to be better than ours.)...They do express unconditional love, b/c they don't stop loving you, or withhold love from you when you mess up, they just get onto you...how would you feel if they didn't care what you did at all??????? oh sure for awhile you would like it, but in the end, you would wanna know why they didn't love you enuff to care what's going on, why you weren't worth the extra effort it takes to discipline a child. *(b/c it's easy to turn your kids loose and let 'em do whatever & never discipline them...it's hard to be involved & try...and it does hurt us parents when you kids say "i hate you" or when you tell your friends how awful we are....it hurts...but we have to endure that for now, to keep you safe....it's the price a loving parent must pay.) as for saying things in anger - everyone does it, they shouldn't but they usually do, and we all have said things in anger that we regret and didn't mean. the best lesson for you to learn with that is to "walk away & calm down" so that you don't repeat that behavior with your kids later on....sometimes we learn from our parents how to act & sometimes we learn how not to act, both lessons are equally important.

Answer 2

You are mistaken. Most parents absolutely forgive their kids when they make mistakes! If your parents keep bringing up the mistake it's because they love you so much they want your life to be perfect! They think if they remind you of what NOT to do, then you'll do the right thing from now on.
I'm sorry you think your parents hurt you like that. Your friends aren't there to make sure you grow up to be a responsible, productive, pleasant member of society, but your parents are. That's why they give you a hard time about stuff. And they know they make mistakes...if they seem hard on you, it's because they want to prevent you from making the same mistakes they have!

Answer 3

I say that parents do not forgive their children and I still live without my mother's forgiveness for something I did when I was 18 years old.I'am an epileptic and I got was married and my husband was abusive and my parent's turned their back on me, and refused to help me get my medicine until I could get help so the bad thing I that I did is I wrote a check out that w a s theirs,the bank didn't even exist anymore,but she didn't pay the price, I did, I went to jail and prison for the check,but still today 26 years later she still haunts me with this.I wonder if you . Couldn't forgive me why did you come to see me in prison? I have children today and I told them the truth about my life, but I'am opposite of my parent's.my father sexually abused me, my mother beat me with a wire hanger and my father made my mouth bleed by slapping me and much more, I got counseling and learned to forgive them but they have yet to do the same, so I disagree with these statements about parents doing things because they care and love you because mine were controlling and abusive and not out of love either,so not all parent's are the same and no one can say that someone else's parents are doing this because of love, until they've been behind the closed door!

Answer 4

Let me tell you something. I really would like for you to understand what am saying here, so please hear me out. Your parents are not being mean and there not try-en to break your spirit or destroy your self-esteem they just don't want you to keep making mistakes that going to mess up your future, they really need you to learn from them. And you feel a friend or other adults can forgive you easier then your own parents do. And do you want to know why? That's because they don't care as much as your parents do. And don't give me that my best friend loves me we do every thing together. There's a different between your friends and other adults then your parents . It's your parents who support you, who had you, and most of all it's your parents who worry about your future and if they keep seeing there child making mistakes there just worry that they don't want you to do silly things when your adult. A parent needs to know when there gone from this world that there children are going to be OK. Trust me a parent knows that there kids are going to make mistakes and that your human, trust me they know. There just not allowing you to know that they know. Don't ever thing your parents are dumb in that they don't know about mistakes.Just because a parent don't show that side to you don't mean that don't understand. A parent is not your friend when your still a kid. A parent has to be a parent. And if your looking for a friend out of your parents at this age your probably not going to get it, until later. Right now it's your parents job to be your parent and not a friend.And yes your going to notice others are going to be more friendly and nicer and more understanding to you and your need. But it' s your parents who love you the most. Right now you just don't see that or understand that you see as your parents not understanding. Like I said early-er they understand more then you know or to realize. And trust me they know we all learn from mistake. Parents are there to remind you, because they don't want you to make it again. Basically there really looking out for you.

Answer 5

It always seems that you hurt the ones you love the most. I for one have never punished my kids with the intent of breaking their spirit. But I have always doled out punishment with the intent of making sure they don't ever forget or repeat their mistake again. Most parents do remember they were kids themselves this is partly why they are so hard on teens when they make a mistake, cause we don't want to see our kids make the same stupid a**ed mistakes we made ......

Answer 6

alot of it is their own fears and insecurities of maybe how others might judge them as parents. I understand how you feel and I can honestly say when I had a son at an early age I decided to always be honest and a reveal my failures and mistakes to him and I can tell you we have a special bond like no other. I am not bound by any insecurities and I know people grow and develope through their mistakes. dont think un conditional love dosent exist because some parents don't know how to express it. this world is full of fear and expectations that hinder people expressing a love that is deeply lost. be patient and alway try to talk to them and express your concern about it.. always remember nothing good comes from arguing, and the mild tongue will always be heard. good luck

Answer 7

My mom is trying to do that but i've already been out on my own so she can not control me any more. I know the choices and mistakes I make and know when to admit it. I do not admit it to a person, I admit to God, because only I will kow what i have done. When you tell a person they get too high-powered. My results was not talking to my mom at all in the same house and paying for my own stuff unless i complain to the court but i don't because i'm tired of all of it, you know. They want the controll. Remember the days when you would get them a pop and smile and everything, those were the good days for them. Right now you could be testing them to see how far you can push till you have no more options, when your at the end of the line like me. Put up with thier stuff till your 18. ITS BETTER TO WAIT THAN TO MAKE MISTAKES. If wait and put up with stuff long enough which is like not that long, they'll slip and your reward will be great. One day you will feel what they feel.

Answer 8

Parents have had also the experience of being young. In fact they may have felt just as you do now.
When people become parents themselves, they may privately feel or return to their own youths, and try too hard or even harshly to prevent their children from making the choices they might have made.
When one is first into the world, you are that precious gift, as a baby, a brand new person who needs nurturing, protection, guidance - unfortunately, it is commonplace to consider that little babe, brand new human being in the world, our possession.
As we grow, we naturally distance ourselves from our parents, because we are in the progress of making our own lives and choices for ourselves.
Parents, may then feel that they are losing forever what they've tended to for so long - and hold on too fiercely, even harshly.
After all, WE ARE ALL, only human.
If we could make efforts to consider that, our situation, which (humanly) has many imperfections, we'd not be so hard on one another, when trying to communicate our feelings to each other - whether we are the parents or the offspring!

Answer 9

Taty, I'm 50, and I have a 14-year-old daughter. Your question is very insightful, and I felt the same way when I was your age. That is the reason that I do not punish my daughter the way my parents punished me.

From the perspective of a parent, I have to say that I think I understand why a lot of parents (my own included) treated mistakes that resulted from just being a kid as unforgiveable transgressions. Part of it is fear that as a parent, something you do (or fail to do) will result in your child's life being messed up. If you are a parent and love your child, you want your child to have as perfect a life as they can. This is the feeling that can result in trying to micromanage your child's life, and punishing the child all out of proportion to the transgression being punished: a desire to make sure that the child never, ever makes a mistake that could ruin their life.

What is really, really, really hard to come to grips with, as a parent, is that you are not perfect and your child is not perfect-- and that that's okay. And that's the decision that I reached when my daughter was a tiny baby and I was so afraid that anything that I did wrong would somehow screw up this tiny, beautiful, perfect little person that I had brought into the world.

I realized that I would go crazy if I tried to be the perfect parent raising the perfect child. I decided that I would settle for imperfection. I didn't have to be the perfect parent, and my daughter didn't have to be the perfect child. I would accept that we would both screw up. When I screw up, I acknowledge it to my daughter and apologize. And I expect her to do the same, and that ends it for both of us: we screw up, we acknowledge the mistake or failing, we do what we have to to make it right, we apologize to anyone our screw-up harmed or inconvenienced, accept responsibility, and move on. End of story.

It's a paradox that it's out of love for their children that I think so many parents are so rigid and severe and hurtful. We want to be perfect parents, which means that mistakes and errors are absolute anathema to us. So we come down on them hard out of fear that if we don't, we'll be screwing our children up. And in coming down hard, we build a wall of anger and resentment in our children, who first perceive that we ourselves are not perfect, and who resent our failure to understand that they can make mistakes but still be pretty darn good kids.

I love my daughter, and believe fervently she's the best thing that ever happened to me. I also believe that the severity of the punishments I received when I was a kid has been my salvation as a parent. I grew up feeling that nothing I ever did would be right enough or good enough for my parents, who punished mistakes severely but rarely, if ever, noticed or praised the good things I did. I know how I felt about that, so I thank my daughter frequently for the good things she does, praise her when I catch her in the act of being good, and when she screws up, we talk about it, make it right, and move on.

I'm happy to parent my duaghter this way, but I can now understand a little better why my parents did things the way they did. Fear combined with love is such a powerful driver that you have to make a conscious effort to not let it determine your actions.

Answer 10

my mom used to bring up my past misktakes. I had to tell her that it hurt me when she did that and that people deserve a 2nd chance. I think most parents do forgive thier children. Its called uncondtional love. if you feel like your parents are not letting you off the hook about mistakes, try to sit down with them and tell them how you feel. I also think that alot of parents only want the best for you and dont want you to make the same mistakes they made. alot of times when a parent says things they are saying it out of love and really do not mean to hurt you. I know plenty of times i have taken what my mom and dad had said too personal. parents are never perfect and will not always say the things the way we thinl they should.