Thought I was a good mother— adult daughter won't speak to me?

Question

I thought I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter until about a month ago. I also thought I had been a very good mother. I took an interest in everything she did from horsebackriding to dancing to her studies. I sent her to tutors when she needed academic help, listened to her problems, sent her to college. She is a professional now and she married a great guy a little over a year ago. Since that time, I have become swamped in my own profession and I am working on a Ph.d. A month ago, she told me we were not close, said a lot of hateful things and has not spoken to me since. She refuses to take my calls. Won't answer my emails, I am shocked. I really don't know what I did to cause this other than to be precoccupied with my career and education. It's not as though she is a child. I am deeply saddened by this. I wrote her a long email of how much I love her. Any insights? I cannot think of anything I did to warrent such behavior.

Answer 1

I expect you are a good mother and always have been. Your daughter probably thought that after marriage she would still be the centre of your universe, and because you're now pursuing your own career and further education she feels that you've abandoned her; so she struck out at you in a destructive way, knowing how much hurt she would inflict. You say that you're 'swamped' in your own profession, as well as studies, which makes it sound as though you really don't have time left for anything else. It may be that she would like to have been given a little time - perhaps she had something she wanted to talk over with you and she felt you just didn't have any time for her. Take time out for a get-together, becasue I'm sure she must be feeling pretty miserable and life's too short to let it run on. Explain how much she's hurt you and ask her, face to face, what caused her to behave in the way she did. Tell her that now she's an adult and a married woman with a home of her own, the dynamics of your relationship have changed. You love her just as much as ever, will always be there for her (I really think this was the problem, she felt that you weren't there for her), but it's moved on to being a 'grown-up' female relationship. Even when our children have grown-up, we will always be mother - the one who will give them advice and support if asked for; the one they can trust 100% and safely confide in. I so hope all will be resolved and perhaps you'll end up making a date, perhaps for a shopping trip together - even though she's now a married lady and you have a busy life of your own, you should both still find time for each other - quality time.

Answer 2

At times I feel like this too with my 2 daughters,although to date not as serious. My mum had problems and wasn't there for me so what did I do? Worked throughout the night at home in order to see them off school trips etc, have friends round etc. Then I was an emabarrassment. I was very bright at school but wanted to leave before taking relevant qualification, nobody encouraged or stopped me so what did I do? Pushed my children. One became a lawyer and the other a Chemist. Now I am still an embarrassment. My husband and I were not well off but struggled to put money away for either a wedding, house deposit or whatever they would want when they reached adulthood, never a Thank You but if you mention it you are 'casting up' and you get to the stage where you think are you a horrible person or did you bring up spoiled brats? You look around you and feel guilty because you think of friends etc who did not give up as much for their family and they seem to gain total respect and being human although would not voice it you feel it is sooooooo unfair. These are your secret thoughts right? Then you remember you are a mum and although some are put on a pedastool most of us have to take all the s--- of the day. I haven't reached your stage but can see it coming Each day I resolve to let all go over my head but I am pushed and pushed and pushed until I say something that doesn't suit one or the other. Please believe me my thoughts and good wishes are with you and hopefully with yourself, myself and all other mothers in the same position we will all be reconciled.

Answer 3

Mom, I really don't think you have did anything wrong from what you have said here. It may be a deeper rooted problem and your daughter is using you as an Escape Goat. You have done just about everything you can do to get her to open up and talk to you, so there is not much else you can do except possibly call her Husband and tell him how you feel. I am sure he knows what is going on and maybe can even give you some insight. As far as your career, your daughter should want you to further your career, maybe she is just feeling left out of your Life right now. Talk to her Husband and hopefully that will open up a door. Hope this helped.

Answer 4

Part of being a good mother is bringing your child up to be and behave like an adult. It would seem from what you say that your daughter is still demanding you to have her as the centre of your world. She is an adult married woman and should be able to behave as such. I agree with others that you should speak to her face to face though I am very much afraid that she will not be able to vocalise her true feelings. It is one thing demanding Mummy's full and undivided attention when you are a child but how do you tell her that you want it when you are adult. She is saying hateful things because it is impossible for her to tell you that she requires you to be at her beck and call.
I do hope that you sort this out for both of your sakes reassure her, tell her whilst you will always be there for her you must, as she has done, make an independant life for yourself.

Answer 5

Hi Jackie E! :)


I can relate to your problem since I also having similar situation with my mother -- she's just a great mother, and a shoulder to cry on. We're get along like best buddies, not only limited to the mother-daughter relationship. She knows all my best friends and guys in school and we enjoy spending quality times together every weekend.

However, our friendship turned sour when she came back to college to complete her studies -- she's a primary school teacher, in fact. She's just too busy with everything, and seemed to forgot my existence!


One week, I tend to ignoring her and refused to talk much with her. I know this quite rude and impolite but I just couldn't stand it anymore.


Then, not long after her final exams ended, she came home and hugged me --- silently. I pushed her a bit and stared at her ~ her eyes looked watery. She's crying and it must be cause by my stupid behavior!

Leaned closely to her, softly I mumbled apologetically, "sorry mum".


In the nutshell, even if you've been voted as the best mother on the earth, you'll always experience difficult times with your beloved ones, particularly your children. Take some time, relax and give some space to her --- sooner or later, she'll call you and apologize for everything or at least make up.

I'm sure she's just depressed of her new found life ~ it'll be okay though. Good luck! ;)

Answer 6

My mom thought she was a wonderful mother, but she is one of the cruelest people I've ever met. She hated being a mother and let me know in a million little unspoken ways while I was growing up. She was cold, the complete opposite of nurturing, resentful, and downright mean. When I became an adult she was very demanding of me and my time. She resented that I got married, had friends, went to college, moved away and got a life. Then she resented that I didn't have children and stopped coming home for Christmas. She would call me sobbing that she had been such a good mother and had given me EVERYTHING and now she deserved to get some of it back.

I'm not saying that you were that kind of mother. Your description of yourself sounds really nice; I'd love to have a mother like that. But if my mother is blind to how she really is and was, then I have to wonder if it's just really difficult for parents to see their mistakes. I'd continue to tell your daughter how much you love her without interjecting your needs into it. Just call her and say "I love you" and "I miss you" -- nothing more. If she wants to tell you what is upsetting her -- LISTEN. I mean really listen. Don't interrupt her, don't defend yourself and don't argue with her. Just listen and thank her for being honest with you. It'll hurt like hell, but try to consider what she says. Maybe you'll conclude that you've really hurt her and owe her an apology.

After everything I've been through with my mother (who stopped calling me 7 years ago, told me she hated me, and that life would be easier for her if I were dead) if she apologized and tried to see things from my perspective, I would welcome a relationship with her. No matter what, she's my mom. Everybody needs a mom -- no matter how old they are.

Answer 7

hi,
as u said u were always with her u know all the time when she was in problem and this and that ...maybe u gave her too much ..u know what i mean...maybe she is remembering the old days maybe u think she has marrried a great guy ..things doesnt ever seem how they look there might be problems and i think she needs u at the same time she is like how can i ask mom abt this i am married its my thing why should i bother her but at the same time she might be goin thru something take a break go with her spend time with her i know career and education is the important thing but i beleive family comes first so dotn stress urself too much u didnt do nothing wrong ..ur daughter doesnt know still hwo much u love her and still be with her ....dont worry
hoep it helps
bey take care
Abhishek

Answer 8

Have you considered the possibility that your daughter may be having problems with her new life that she doesn't want to bother you with, maybe cos she's too afraid?

When my daughter started doing that to me, it was because she was suffering from being in an unhappy relationship & she hoped she could work it out without upsetting me. She said, much later "oh yeh, right mum. I phone you when you're miles away to say I'm in trouble but there's nothing you can do?"

I don't want to upset you in any way shape or form - it's just that having read the other answers, the other possibilities are all just about covered... except perhaps to mention that she might, I guess, be feeling jealous of you. Maybe that's why she wants to hurt you? I dunno.
Good luck anyway. You sound real nice.XX

Answer 9

this is almost a b**** circulate. She is 21 years previous, no longer 13. She could be residing on your place in the mean time, yet whilst she has her very own pc, then you have not got any suitable to secret agent on her until eventually she incredibly in certainty provides reason to. She could be intercepting your cyber web connection, whether it is in basic terms waves in the air...possibly incredibly of being spineless and occasional, you're able to consult together with her. a minimum of she is going to college and doing something together with her existence incredibly of snooping around human beings's $hit.

Answer 10

Sounds like to me you have a spoiled daughter and you started sayings no to her. She is retaliating by not returning your calls or emails.

My advise is to let it go and when she finally realizes that you are not going to chase her anyone she will come around. I had to do the same thing with my son. He did not like some of my decisions and took the 'I'm not going to talk to path". Yes, he is a grown man. I had to let it go and not worry about it. It took 2 years for him to start coming around again. I forced him to grow up and realize life does not always go his way.