Is it wrong to be concerned about the best interest of your child(ren)?

Question

We took 4 kids aged 5 ,4, 3, and 6 months into respite foster care last weekend. There is a good possiblity that they will come available for adoption at some point in the future and my husband and I are considering trying to get them. None of them are in school yet. The two oldest especially have very ethnic names. The three year old has a sort-of common name with a different spelling and the baby has a cute sounding name. Many people I know with ethnic/off the wall (different is good. I'm talking about what other children could percieve as weird) are low achievers and/or in trouble with the law. I also substitute teach, so I see children at their worst, and they can be cruel. I don't want to totally take away their herritage by changing their names; I want to add an American name so they have options: with school and with resumes in the future. Why is this wrong? Isn't it my duty as a parent to act in the best interest of the chid(ren)?

I might also add that I posted the 4 year old's name in the "baby's name" section as "what do you think of this name?" and I got comments like "she'll be bullied" "what are you thinking?" "Awful" and "she's going to write great poetry when she grows up."

Answer 1

I think your idea of adding a name is excellent. Instead of Unpronouncable Laughable Oddity, make it Unpronouncable Laughable Sarah Oddity (or change the last name to your own, even). Thus if she wants, she can choose to only say 'Sarah' when asked her name, or she can use only the ethnic ones if she likes (since people with two middle names don't always use both) or all of it.

This should also satisfy those who insist that a name is a connection to one's parents and a reminder of their love: her first mommy and daddy loved her and gave her 2-3 (depending on if you change her last name to your own) of her names, and her new mommy and daddy love her so much they gave her a name or two also.

PS- I'm not trying to be mean or anything by using words like 'Oddity'. Just since you aren't posting the actual names, I had to substitute something, and I drew a blank with trying to think of ethnic ones. So I just threw in semi-random words.

Answer 2

I think that what you are worried about is a good thing. Kids with highly unusual names. There was a girl in my daughters Kindergarten class who's name was My-Destiny. Sometimes parents take this name thing too far.
A girl in my daughters first grade class was just adopted. She got to pick her new name to start a new life with her new family.
The 4 and 5 year old (and possibly the 3 year old) are old enough to help pick their new name. Give them the option of whether or not to use an ethnic name. You might consider giving them choices of different ethnic names besides the one that they currently have.
A new identity that they get to have a say in will make the transition into their new family a bit easier. If they choose not to not want an ethnic name, you can still help them know their culture and their roots without having given them any ethnic names.

Answer 3

I had a friend who was adopted along with her 4 sisters, when she was adopted she had the name, Tatiana Chiquita (no lie), and she was the whitest little kid you ever did see, white blonde hair, the works. Her parents changed her name to Anna, and she did not have a problem with that at all. I think you need to give your kids if you adopt them the option to change their names or not. I know a woman named Bunnie, and she is extremely successful, I also know a woman named Candy who leaves much to be desired. I think that the upbringing is what decides if a kid is going to be "in trouble" or not, not necessarily the names that they have been saddled with. But yes, it is your job as a parent to look out for their best interests.

Everyone has an opinion on names, my children are named Jacelyn, Alice and Tristan and soon to be Eli. Eli is the ONLY one we didn't have derogatory comments about. Random peoples opinions are pretty worthless in my opinion, hell, even my families opinions were pretty worthless to me when it came to naming my kids!

Answer 4

Of course, it is our job as parents to make our children's life as uncomplicated and easy a possible. I might suggest that you add a new first name to the names they already have. It would be like adding a first name and changing their last name when they are adopted. Of course, the children need to be aware of this change before hand.

Changing a child's name is like stripping away the identity they are accustom to having. They may wonder "who am I now, if I am now John and no longer Luke". They may think they have done something wrong and you needed to cover it up.

You did not say how long you have had them, or how long they have been in foster care. Most kids that are in foster care have witnessed more in their young lives than most adults have ever witnessed. They are often blamed for things beyond their control, and feel worthless to the world of people around them. They have a deep seeded insecurity most of us can never perceive. Be cautious.

You did not say if they are boys or girls. I think girls with unusual names are accepted more easily than boys. Unusual girl names are often seen as special. Of course, you did not tell their names so it is hard to say.

I understand your concern. Children face too may struggles growing up today that we are unable to protect them from. Their name should not be a make it or break it part of growing up. Maybe instead of changing their name you could give them cute nicknames (not sissy names) that can follow them through school until they get old enough to decide they want to be called by their real names.

Although if the child agrees they want a new name to go with their new family just add a new first name and keep their original names as well. That way they won't feel later that you tried to change who they were but, you tried to change who they could become.

Answer 5

That's not *their* best interest, it's you being embarrassed about their 'unAmerican' names. That's awful...and reading through all of your old posts, it seems like you have an obsession with baby names and criticizing children in your classrooms with different names.

My mother was adopted at the age of four, and sixty years later she still resents her adoptive mother changing her name. She didn't change the name even because of ethnicity, but because the mom had always wanted to have a little girl named "XXXX" How arrogant and presumptuous.

Answer 6

Yes, kids can be cruel. But it's unfair of you to decide that they need to change their names. Especially for the 3, 4, and 5 year olds.

Let them keep their names. If THEY want to adopt nicknames, that's fine.

Answer 7

The name given to a child when they he is born is USUALLY given to them because they mean something to the parents of the child. The child doesn't care what hes named only that it he's loved and cared for! If you are the one that is adopting the child than you are the one who will love and care for the child than you need to be the one to give this child the name you have thought best for this child and the meaning that is special to you.

Answer 8

Changing their names is not what they mean by the best interest of the children. It's too late to do that to the older ones but maybe not too late for the younger one. How about nicknames that are similar to the real names?