Do I not let my son see his grandmother?

Question

My Mother in law has a very bad alcohol and drug problem. She tortured her children to the extent of allowing her boyfriend to rape her daughter when she was 8 for money... She says shes changed and lies to me about her drug and alcohol usage. I really dont want my son to grow up around these things and I'm afraid she'll hurt him, maybe not physically but more on an emotional level. Plus the way she lives her life I know one day it will kill her and No parent wants to see there child hurt by death especially one that could be avoided. at the same time I dont want to take my son away from her, he's the only stability in her life and she does love him. help!!!

My biggest fear is when he gets older, I know what kind of person she is and she allowed her children to drink and do drugs with her!! And I dont want him to learn what drugs are from his grandmother, thats not what a grandma is supposed to be and I feel as though I would be keeping him from his family. My husband cut off all contact with her for years until I found out I was pregnant. I've offered to put her a rehab facility and she says she doesnt have a problem, I've gone as far as calling the police on her, unanimously of course just to try to get her on the right track. I dont know if I should give up because you cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves.right now my son is only 4 months old so its not a huge issue. I mean she showed up to the hospital drunk while i was in labor. To the extent my midwife asked her to leave.

Answer 1

Grandparents have a right to see their granschildren. Period.

Parents have a right and a responsibility to protect their children.

You have control here - you can let her know her grandson under your supervision and with as many caveats as you care to use.

Try this:

" Hi mom-in-law ! We'd love to have you over for Sunday brunch every other week so that you can spend some time with little Bobby. We'll make something nice to eat. I wanted to mention that we really prefer that the baby not be exposed to alcohol or people who are drinking, so we'll be serving iced tea and lemonade."

If she shows up smelling of booze, you can politely remind her of your policy regarding your son and alcohol and tell her you'll try again next weekend. Let her have a quick hello with the baby and send her on her way....then try again next weekend. If she really wants to see her grandson, she'll show up sober.

Answer 2

This is a tough decision. The first instinct I have is to tell you to keep her far, far away. But, if your son sees what drugs and alcohol has done to her then he may stay away from them. Now, I think that if you were present at all times during their visits then it would be ok because if anything bad seemed to be happening you could put a stop to it an leave. That would be it. Lay down the ground rules with this woman. Tell you that you know about her bad past and what she did and that if anything were to happen around her son she would not see him ever again because you won't let those things happen to him. Now, if she is still having major drinking problems and things then tell her she needs to go through major rehab if she wants to see him. Try to encourage her to help herself first before she sees her grandchildren. Believe me, when you see a drunken/high grandparent it really doesn't make sense and you become confused.

But, make sure she's clean before you go over, stay with them the whole visit, then go back home. You can only control a situation like that when you're in it, so just make sure you're there.

Good luck.

Answer 3

First, how does your hubby feel about this? I would imagine he would have very strong opinions about this. I think it is asinine to say a grandparent has the right to see their grandkids in any circumstance. That is totally untrue. The grandparents rights don't extend to situations that would hurt their grandchildren. This woman allowed many horrible things to happen around her, she is still in the grips of her addiction by the sound of it. There is no reason, on this planet, that you should allow her to see him. She doesn't have the "right", she has not shown responsibility. Your job is to protect your kids above all else. It is not your responsibility to fix her problems or even to try to understand or empathize with her. Your job is to offer an emotionally and physically stable environment for your child. If you can do that with her in your life, have at it. If you cannot, don't think that you have to allow her access. I am all for second chances. I believe that people change. But you should never prove these things on the backs of defenseless children.

I hope that your choices get easier and that your son grows happy and healthy! Good luck!!

Answer 4

WOW, this is a lot more serious than my case. I too had an alcoholic mother-in-law who's showed up to my son's first and second birthday partied drunk as a skunk! We are about to celebrate our daughter first birthday tomorrow and my usband had to tell her to leave the booze at home, (cause she brings it everywhere she goes).
In your case theres drugs and rape involved. Um...I wouldn't leave your son alone with her. She is definatly not a grandmother that babysit's, ok!~
We can NEVER leave our kids with his parents cause they are always drinking.So if we need a sitter we either pay for a trusted friend our have my family watch them!
YOu shouldn't keep your son away completely cause why should he be punished for something he never did. But I would say that she shouldn't be trusted alone with him. Just always be there!
He's your son!!!!!! If something ever happened to him I don't think you'd be able to live with yourself. So as his mother you have the right and you make the choice to decide who get's to be around you children. Who you allow to know and meet him.
Just keep a watchful eye on him whiile in her pressence..
Good luck with all this. I know first hand it's really hard to deal with!

Answer 5

NOO!!! definitely NOT! I am in the same situation. Like my mom has excessive drinking an drug problems and has for a long time. I'm 18 now, i turn 19 in september, and i moved out in sept 2005, the day of my birthday. so ive been on my own since i was 17 w/ my b/f(he takes good care of me) and she called my dad before he changed his # and said "convince our daughter to talk to me " and gave him her phone # for him to give me. but she also went to jail for domestic violence for beating me all the time. so i called blocked # and maybe thought she would change.....NOPE! still acting like she was when i was living there. do i think people can change?? yes i do, but people with drug and alcohol addictions dont usually change. like if i had a child, no way she would see him/her . she wouldnt even know i had a baby. i still dont talk to her. and another thing right now, shes pregnant due april 16 , a baby girl. The child protective services lady called my g-ma and my g-ma gave me the ladys phone #, so thats how i found out. and they have a family lined up for her already because shes putting it up for adoption and not to liong ago my friend seen her drinking at the bar, pregnant. so shes all messed up... and they usually are. so nooo... dont let her see ur baby, it will create more problems and drama in ur life. good luck!

Answer 6

You are right to keep your kids as far away from this woman as possible. She is definitely not a good influence on them. The things that she did to her own children, who knows what she would do to yours.

You say that she is the only stability in her life, that is not true. You are there aren't you? Why let your child be around someone that is just going to end up hurting him in the end?

Answer 7

Remember (and my father was an alcoholic--I hated the disease, but I loved him very much)----any shame you, or your husband feels over your Mother-in-law's behavior, SHE has felt a million times over, already. Try to empathise--she would control her own behavior, if she only could, but she can't.

Best thing is to deal with your fears and feelings FIRST.
In-Laws, especially if you have children, are a key part of your own family.
The group that can help you with all this is "Al-Anon" (this is the companion organization to Alcoholics Anonymous). Relatives, parents, children of Alcoholics and drug abusers come to these meetings to share memories and understand what's going on. Alcoholism is a deadly and crippling disease, and it's also genetic. But, with information and time, you can understand it with the help of Al-Anon.
Aside from the adults in the family dealing with your Mother-in-law, which may be difficult, it might be more important for your son to have a chance to interact with her and love her.
He needs to know all his family members, the good and the bad, just for his own sense of reality as a person.
He needs memories of his grandmother.
If he sees his grandmother drunk, he needs to see your HONEST reaction and explanation of it---if the adults acknowledge what is going on, he will accept the reality too. Let him understand and love her as a child can, accepting her with her faults.
Most of all, be sure your reactions are the right ones, so he can follow your lead and deal with this disease.Alcoholics can be understood and dealt with, but in ways that don't damage them, or their loved ones.

This is from the "Detachment" pamphlet:
"In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's drinkng. We are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives....we can still love the person without liking the behavior."

Answer 8

Yea, the woman's a creep. Sorry, but it's true. My grandad is schitzo, he's convined I'm Satan's child, I never met him. Just tell the son that "Grandma's not feeling well at all" and that he can visit her when he's a grown-up, too.
Don't let him visit, those who are abusive once, without police intervention, will be abusive again. Mabye you could distract him with the other side of the family?

Answer 9

If a judge were involved, they would do what is in the best interest of the child. Weighing what you have said, do not let her in the child's life. She is not your responsibility. You must protect your child. It is one of the many hard decisions you will be making as a parent. Stand firm and don't give in. You must keep the child from her. She had her chance at raising children and blew it terribly. Don't let her destroy your child! It seems harsh, but it is necessary!

Answer 10

I certainly hope this woman served time for allowing someone to rape her daughter.

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting your son around her. She may have changed, and that's great, but you still don't need to subject your son to that. You have to do what's right for him. You can let her hold him and play with him, etc. but you should never leave them alone. You don't have to deny her completely. BUt if she ever gets beligerant or abusive, just up and leave