I think my boyfriend was sexually molested as a child?

Question

but I'm not sure what the signs were. He has a lot of the common signs of abuse, IE drug use, closed off emotionally, early sexual activity, hermiting ect. But recently i found out that when he was a child his father had sexual charges brought up against him. I'm going to ask him about it but want to know how much i should prepare myself for the answer i dont want to hear. What are signs of sexual abuse?
He has problems with intimacy, claims he had never felt it before me, doesnt like being touched much, feels that almost all affection no matter how innocent is sexual, and said that he's from a very non-affectionate family but when ive been around them they seem about normal.

Anything?
I love him very much and hate to think that this happened to him, but i won't hide from what may be a skeleton in his closet. He is currently 21.

Answer 1

You should NEVER flat-out ask someone about childhood abuse. Unless you're their therapist. If he wants you to know he will tell you. If he doesn't he won't.

Answer 2

Hi i think its best not to force a person into opening up about these sensitive issues, if it true that his father did sexual abuse someone then maybe you need to find out what sex it was.

Another reason why he could be closed off because of anger or loss of trust in people, it sounds like someone has hurt him and he is afraid of feeling affection from those who show it.

i know because i do excatly this.

the best thing to do is be gentle and be there for him
but try ur best not to let ur curiousty jump into the direction of asking him questions about this since it may push him away.

this may sound a little off handish but theres a movie called
"The Woodsman" starring Kevin Bacon.

It's a sad movie but very moving ,maybe one day you should go grab some dvds and pick that up like you were randomly choosing vids then watch it with him and say "so what did you think of the movie" in a general way

and since your on the topic and who knows he might even tell you about himself ( thats what i would do anyway)

goodluck

Answer 3

I was sexually abused as a child, and believe me, if he doesn't want to talk about it it's probably for his own protection as much as yours. Most of the time it's easier to just forget, and telling others not only makes it feel more "real" it also may put strain on your relationship and perhaps even changes in his life that he doesn't want. This may not be on your part...he may respond differently towards you knowing that you know. Or, you may treat him differently without even being aware.

The cultural view that we must talk about everything to heal is not always true. Think about how you feel when you think back to horrible events in your life and then talk about it. You likely dwell on the subject for a while afterwards, and feel vunerable and upset as compared with times when you don't bring it up. For some it's a release, and for others it's just picking at old wounds.

When women and men are exposed to the same traumatic stressor women are twice as likely to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder than men. The reason why isn't known for sure, but one theory is that it's because women tend to talk about the trauma a lot afterwards, and men are more likely to keep it to themselves. Just something to think about.

He's an adult now, and if no harm will come from him not talking about it I suggest leaving it be. It may hurt you, and you may want him to talk to you about it so badly, but it's best to leave that up to him. Just tell him how much you care about him, try to be understanding and be patient, and tell him - just once - that if he ever wants to talk to you about anything, even if it's really horrible, it won't change how you feel about him. Then let it be.

Take care. I wish you both the best.

Answer 4

I'm certainly not a qualified health care professional, but it does sound like he has issues with sex and intimacy. I would ask him about it, but tread very carefully. Don't offer an opinion unless he asks you for it and just listen to him, without judgement. If he shuts you down, don't get angry. Just let him know that he can trust and confide in you and that you're there for him if and when he wants to talk. Good Luck.

Answer 5

From what you described, it sounds like he has been molested before but it was more recent than childhood because he would have, more or less, gotten over it already.. Talk to him and try to open him up to you but dont try to bring up his dark secrets unless your ready for the consequence which might be anger, withdrawal, or total denial.

Find a professional.

Answer 6

You can't make him face it til he is ready. Just look up a few counslers and give him the list, or bring up the subject without making any direct accusations. This is a very hard subject to deal with, especially when it was a family member. Just give him his space while he deals with it though, its rougher when it starts coming out, then when you can hide it inside.

Answer 7

You just have to be his rock is all. He will only open up if he ever decides to. If you push him, you are probably not prepared for what will result. Stay within his comfort zone and don't push him to do anything he's not okay with. If he was molested and one day decides to tell you, be a listener and not a talker.

Answer 8

That is very sad, but beware playing shrink with him if you haven't got the tools to deal with the fall out. Accompany him to counseling would be a better route to take.

Answer 9

i was raped and molested by my uncle and i'm 16 the best advice i can give is just give him some time