Any other parents get this? At the moment I seem to be sad on all fronts - I am sad for the brat of a kid I?

Question

was to my own parents and for never once thinking of them as individuals who at one point in time had their own hopes/aspirations etc which they put on hold/gave up for us kids.. worked long hours, struggled with cash etc yet at the time we felt hard done by and took them for granted.. now if I'm honest part of me now selfishly feels sad that my life in the respect of it being set in stone is over, I am the mother now (2 a fab 2 year old) and I think given what my parents went through I imagine the same long montony and ungrateful/materialistic kids at the end of it.. maybe it is part of the next stage of growing up? All of a sudden I feel like the grown up (at age 30!?).. then I feel sad on my daughter's part, I do all possibly can for her but I feel so worried that she too will have the same heartaches/tribulations that we all did and so am intensley worried for her. I also feel guilty in that lately family life is not at all how as an outsider looking in I imagined it to be.

At the moment my house feels just like that - a house, whereas the times I spend with my own aged parents, their house feels like a home.. here I always feel on duty for want of a better phrase and it saddens me deeply maybe this is how they felt too etc

So guilt, dread, sadness all prevalent..

I think I am also scared of getting older now - imaging that like my parents I will work hard all my life with only ungrateful kids to show for it and never escape this anxiety either..

At the moment the cycle of life just feels so pointless in many respects because it can be so hard/painful/difficult

Answer 1

Oh dear, you are down aren't you. Don't worry so much. Look at all the positives in your life. You are dwelling on "what ifs". Pull yourself together, go for a long walk, smell the roses for goodness sake!! You can't change the past, start enjoying your life now! How long have you felt like this, maybe you need to talk to someone.

Answer 2

Family life is what you make it when you're the mother (or father to some extent, but mothers are usually the ones who set up the environment).

I was always grateful to my parents, and I never found monotony in having my children either. That isn't how everyone feels, and if you've grown up feeling that way it could mean that no matter how good your parents were they missed it when it came to helping you appreciate them. The other thing is, though, that parents are grown-ups. If they have child that can't appreciate what they go through (and that's how it is to some degree with all kids) parents know that's part of the deal. They don't expect kids to be able to imagine them as individuals or to understand their worries and the work it takes to try to raise children right.

Your life is not set in stone. Nobody's life is ever set in stone. I can tell you that if you have the luxury of a little monotony right now that is a heck of a lot better than having horrible things going on. What you probably do need, though, is to get yourself interested in something that you really find exciting. People can be mothers and still have interests. You could also think about what you'd like to do once your child(ren) begin elementary school. You'll have a little more time then.

As a parent, you have to try to raise a child who has some awareness that she is fortunate and that you do things for her. You don't have to always be talking about how wonderful you are, but you can mention to your child in general how when people do things for her they should be appreciated.

If things in your family life aren't what you want them to be figure out how to change them and make your family life a little more like you would like it to be.

Your parents aren't fragile little old people. If you were truly a brat to them 1) they thought you were a jerk at the time and 2) they're long over it. If you mention to them now that you appreciate all they've done that's all they need.

The things you say you're thinking about and worried about aren't part of "the next stage of growing up". It sounds as if you're unhappy or not entirely fulfilled in life or maybe even depressed. I have three grown kids, and there was never, ever, ever, a time I saw any "same long monotony...". I was engaged and delighted just to be with them the whole time they were little, and now that they're grown I still love being with them and don't find any of it monotonous.

Maybe you'd benefit if you saw a counselor for a session or two, and maybe he/she could help you sort out some of the things that are making you feel as you do and put a few things in perspective. What you describe is not how its supposed to be for someone who has a young child, two living parents, and an awfully big part of her future ahead of her.

Answer 3

Hi poor you! I think all the answers on here have been really helpful and it's difficult to know what else to add.
I know how you feel as I too am at the same stage in life with young children, one who is 2 1/2 right now and it IS draining! With all the love in the world you are still a women with your own needs and desires that need fulfilling too. Try and see what you need to make yourself better, all the things like seeing the doctor and chatting to friends etc. When you realise that lots of other Mums go through this stage it helps to find out what they did about it. It's usually just a phase and things start to improve once you get a bit of time to yourself and can start socializing a bit more. Parent and Toddlers are a good introduction to that as your child has the freedom to play but can still see you, whilst you hopefully have found someone to share your problems with.
As women we really need to support each other in these difficult times, and most I hope are understanding.
Quite right that it shouldn't be quite this bad so now is the time to ACT and things really will change for you.
All my prayers for you x

Answer 4

Wow, you have just put into words exactly what I was thinking last night.
The amount of times I have apologised to my mom for being ungrateful and not recognising what she went through is unreal, and this has also been since I had my daughter, who will be two in April.
I think it;'s true, you can't ever truly appreciate what your mom did for you until you become a mom...

Its good that we have realised this, and it should give us hope though...our children will probably do what we did to our parents, but we have come to realise what sacrifices they made and are grateful to them now, so at one point our children will do this too (even though it does seem like a long way off)

Answer 5

There is of course there is the option of thinking experiance and knowledge of life to be a good thing to pass onto your child. To be able to transfer the knowledge and feelings only serves to promote a better future for all.
Many of us have our lives as we think "set in stone" from an early age, but then to prove that the path we take isnt the path we should be on would be a tricky.
I think the idealist theories of the way our lives will progress rarely follow that we thought when we were younger. But then you can teach much, but to teach life is impossible as every corner can reveal a smile or a tear, we never know untill we get there, just know they make us who we are.
One thing is for sure, you are not alone in your thoughts.

Answer 6

I understand the point made in your last paragraph, because I was feeling the very same thing. Up until I found out I was pregnant that is. I found myself recalling all of the disappointments I experienced growing up, and not wishing that on any other child. All I can do now is hope that I am the best mother I can be, and that my child will grow up happy, well-rounded, and aware. I will do my best to be great, and not worry about all of the things I won't be able to give to him/her. I believe that if I am happy, my child will be happy. Kids aren't stupid, even if your kid is 2, they are well aware of the general mood around the house and will be affected by it.

Answer 7

You sound like a sensitive, thoughtful person who is capable of being deeply considerate and loving. These are fine traits to have.
Sometimes life can seem sad and it can be work to remember the happiness. If this sadness is interfering with your ability to function or care for yourself and your child then it is time for you to take action. Ask yourself:
Is my menstrual period coming on? Often women will feel in a slump just before or afterwards due to hormoes and blod sugar fluctuations. This should pass, but may be cyclic.
Am I eating properly and getting adequate rest? Both factors can contribute to feeling 'down'. This could be a signal to take better care of the gift that is your life. For your sake and that of your family.
Am I getting exercise? Fresh air? Do I have allergies to anything? Are there situations in my life that are occurring that i need to speak to someone about? Am I subconsciously worried about something? Smoking, poor diet,can contribute to feeling down.
Do I have a healthy support group..other good people to talk to, caring people to interact with? If not, what can I do to acquire more emotional support?
Have i had a medical checkup to ensure that my body is healthy? Body and mind are closely connected.
Do I feel connected to a higher power, a sustaining force for the good in life to whom I can turn for revitalization? We can decide, and we can act, but we need help and it is fine to ask for it.
Thank you for posting this, as you made me recall a time when I felt such hopelessness...and have come out the other side of it to enjoy life again. I am so glad that I decided to press on. In my case, allergies were pulling me down, and medical treatment helped. My husband at the time made a joke of it and I felt so alone. I will be thinking of you and hoping for your well being.

Answer 8

Sweetheart you have a beautiful wonderful child who loves you unconditionally and it's up to you to drown them in love so even if they do make the same mistakes or have the same experiences , which please remember can make us better and stronger , they at least have your love and support to fall back on. It sounds like you may be a bit depressed? Please speak to your doctor. We all feel guilty as mothers for not realisiing how hard it was for our own parents but this is what being a parent is all about. Send them a card to say thank you and as for making your house a home....put up photos all over the place ...it takes time to make a home , your parents have years and years of memories and momentos which in years to come you will also have ... but love and laughter ,thats what makes a home.

Answer 9

I think you need to talk to someone. Go to your local doctor and have a chat to him. he may recommend you see a professional. Don't be ashamed. Sometimes you need to put yourself first and try to get back to a happy place. Why not also talk to your parents how you feel. I doubt they would change those hardships for anything. Just as you would not change your life even in the worst moments if it meant giving up your 2 year old

Answer 10

Being a parent makes you question all sorts of things- especially your own up bringing and your parent's parentig skills. It is your turn now, so enjoy it. Even when you have to sacrifice things for your kids- you can keep a sense of humour. Don't take life too seriously- it's only the one we get! Laugh and they will laugh with you, and love you-regardless of what material things you may or may not be able to give them.