Please tell your opinion of this poem I wrote. You may edit if it is necessary.?

Question

“The Sacred Gate”

Tears fall from my depressing eyes
As the memory of you not ever die.
I could not say ‘good-bye’,
So please pardon me from my guilt inside.

Though we lived so far apart,
But you are still in my heart.
The happiness I felt inside each time I saw your face,
Now makes me feel like time is a waste.

In February I was born;
Close together, in the early morn.
Sweet memories of my childhood days
Will live inside my heart forever.

We will see each other again
If we wait patiently
Through the Portal of Heaven
‘The Sacred Gate’.

Answer 1

Not bad, but a few suggested fixes:

“The Sacred Gate”

Tears fall from my depressed eyes
As the memory of you never dies.
I could not say ‘good-bye,'
So pardon me from my guilt inside.

Though we lived so far apart,
You are still in my heart.
The happiness I felt inside each time I saw your face,
Makes me feel like time apart is a waste.

In February I was born;
Close together, in the early morn.
Sweet memories of my childhood days
Will live inside my heart forever.

We will see each other again
If we wait patiently --
Through the Portal of Heaven
‘The Sacred Gate.'

Answer 2

Tears fall from my saddened eyes
As the memory of you never dies.
I could not utter my own ‘good-bye’,
So pardon me from the guilt I feel inside.

Though we lived so far apart,
You will always be within my heart.
I felt happiness each time I saw your face,
Now, I feel like time is just a waste.

In February I was born;
Close together, it was us in the early morn.
Sweet memories of our childhood days,
I'll carry with me through life's maze.

We will see each other again
and patiently I wait,
to see you smiling at the Portal of Heaven,
'The Sacred Gate'.

Answer 3

I have made some changes to this, I would be interested to know if you all like it.

“The Meeting Place”

Tears fall from my sorrowful eyes,
The memory of you, it never dies.
I could not bear, to say ‘good-bye’,
So, please pardon, my guilt inside.

Though we lived, so far apart,
Yet you're still here, inside my heart.
How happy I felt, to see your face,
Now time just seems, to be a waste.

In February, was I born,
Close together, in the early morn.
Sweet memories of my childhood days,
Will live forever, in my heart to stay.

We'll see each other,
Face to face.
Through the Portal of Heaven,
Our meeting place.

Answer 4

It's good.. Excellent way of expression...

I would modify it as below..

Tears trickle from my depressed eyes
as the memory of you ever shines
My lips stumble to say 'good-bye'
pardon them, it's my heart that trembles inside

It's a mere distance that we are so apart
is no match to your nearness in my heart
The happiness instilled inside with your presence
I wonder if I could summon the time to cease

Cuddled together in each others arms
close together, in those morning sunny warms
my heart made a devine frame on it's own
binding the sweet memories of my childhood time

I wait for our eternal randezvous
preserving my fervors and persevering my hopes
Through the portal of heavens
'The Sacred Gate'.

I couldn't comprehend the last two sentences. So, I leave them to your choice.

Answer 5

Never was by olivia- 9 months never came no joyous cries only blood and pain someone always has to die and why not it be me i had never even breathed a breathe of air you had your whole life in front of you so why did you care no crawling breathing or crying just an innocent dying why couldn't you see that I was as much human as you were but i guess there is a truth to this the weakest link always gets cut out i would pout oh yeah i forgot i can't here's my little rant yours truly, fetus cant i know that i connected the most 2 this poem and u expressed your emotions excellent i do feel this one stands out!!You just let go on this poem u really nailed it!!

Answer 6

No, don't change it, I think it's great. I like the transition from the pattern in the first two sections to the more scattered and more meaningful feelings in the next two. I didn't like the part beginning "I was born..." at first, but under analysis, it's one of my favorite parts. It's just really great; it's very deep and I can feel your passion.

Answer 7

well it is a really good poem, but when u went from sounding like you were talking about a lost love like a boyfriend then to being born in feb it was kinda hard to follow what you were talking about, when i was in english class and showed my teachers what i wrote and it sounded like this they would tell me to let my audience know who my main characters r weather it was a relative or a boyfriend, you've got a big heart and the ability to express it that is a wonderful gift, good luck and keep writting,

Answer 8

nice poem, but somethings are not clear, why mention feb born and why is close together, does it mean a twin you are missing who went away at birth, or is it child hood sweet heart. but any way a good poem.buck up write more.

Answer 9

The first two verses are a little rocky. Maybe try an "ABAB" type pattern instead of the one you're using.

Answer 10

The first 6 lines were rocky,
but from there I really liked it. Keep up the poetry, you're really good.