What should the first step be if you've found your father and are meeting him for the first time?

Question

For the people that have already posted an aswer, thank you. I feel the need to give a lil' detail on this question though. It was my mother that lied to my father "when she got pregnant", telling him, "since it was an affair, she was married when i was concieved", that it was not his baby, but ehr husband's at the time", which to this day, I have looked at as my father. But as we all know, you know in your heart and sould if that person is your real father, and I know he's not. He is Irish, and I, by no means, look like him or my older sister and brother, they are his real kids. They have the blonde hair, blue eyes, and all that goes with the Irish. And as you can see by my pic, I am Italian, as is my real father. So that's why this is so hard and so important for me to know the next step to take. I have been told all my life that this man is my real father, but I guess no one ever expected me to actually do the research and try and find him. Which I am trying my hardest.

For the people that have already posted an answer, thank you. I feel the need to give a lil' detail on this question though. It was my mother that lied to my father "when she got pregnant", telling him, "since it was an affair", "she was married when i was concieved", that it was not his baby, but her husband's at the time", which to this day, I have looked at as my father. But as we all know, you know in your heart and soul if that person is your real father, and I know he's not. He is Irish, and I, by no means, look like him or my older sister and brother, they are his real kids. They have the blonde hair, blue eyes, and all that goes with the Irish. And as you can see by my pic, I am Italian, as is my real father. So that's why this is so hard and so important for me to know the next step to take. I have been told all my life that this man is my real father, but I guess no one ever expected me to actually do the research and try and find him. Which I am trying my hardest.

Answer 1

try to ignore the pain and hurt that you may be feeling when you meet him. you can deal w/that later. just give him a hug. no matter what, you share the same genes.
congratulations.

Answer 2

I am 35 y/o and went thru the same thing as to which you are going thru. I was 16 yrs old and needing my SS card to work. As my mother and I, went down to get it i saw there was another man on it has my father. I was confused because the man i knew that was my father since i was growing up wasn't on there. My mom finally told me the truth after a few yrs of me asking the family.
I was pgnt with my third child and found my real father because when i contacted the high school my mother and him went to they sent me info on the last time they heard from him. Anyhow he was stationed at an air force base in Wy and for some reason i got the right person on the phone and he had all the info i needed to finally make the phone call.
The first thing i said to him when i called was "Hi my name is Rose and I wanted to know if this is the Shannon residents" He said, "yes". I then asked if he went to this high school and he said yes. I then asked if he knew this person and he said yes yrs ago from a party. I then told him that he may not believe me but i am your daughter.
We talked on the phone for over 8 hours. It was great. I went out two months later to see him because we only live a few states away since my husband at the time was stationed at Ft Knox Ky.
I was so nerves but when he saw me he knew i was his daughter because i also do have an older sister and younger brother and we all look almost alike.
Anyhow try to talk on the phone as much as possible to break the ice on the meeting. Try to be slow in building a relationship. As of this day i no only talk to my real dad. ( sprem donor) I ended up by not knowing that i moved to the town my sister lived and we became best of friends..He didn't like that and she had so many questions and she hates him as well for all the lies when he knew she had a sister out there but didn't want to destroy his marriage. But he did when he slept with my mother. Anyhow good luck and keep in mind that take your time and be yourself.

Answer 3

Can I just say that you are a terrific person. I hope one day you forgive your mother who may well have been trying to do her best for you - even if it doesn't seem like it now. And it only takes one sperm to be a father but a lifetime to be a dad so the guy you 'adopted' you and bought you up cannot be condemned either. Anyway, no-one has come out of this well so its sort of up to you to make it okay by everyone which is a huge responsibility. For your first meet, can you arrange for a quick coffee - say you only have an hour to your biological father. That way, if its hell and awkward and you hate him from the off-go, you only waste an hour! However, if its nice and you feel okay about it, you can ask for another visit. It will be a relief to both of you if its short and sweet for the first visit. I used to do that when I dated and it is a plan that works, believe me!

Answer 4

It doesn't matter what happened in the past or what your mom or dad said, way back when. They both did what they thought was right. we don't always make the right decisions. I met my father for the first time when I was 25. It was difficult but real. We hugged at first and made a lot of chit chat, as we spent more time together we started talking deeper questions. I want to hear his side of the story, actually I just wanted to know that he wanted me as his daughter and I just wasn't a mistake made in growing up. We had a good relationship, but I was raised with a step father, my bringing up was what my stepfather believed in. My morals were what my step father believed in. So even though I grew to care very deeply for my real father, my step father was Daddy and I still patterned myself after his lifestyle. Don't be surprised if you feel a little like a fish out of water around him. After all, you 2 have no past together and that has to build. But, like you, I had to see what he looked like and what he believed in. After I did, I made my own decisions on how to feel. Just relax, it will come along on its own. You will get piece of mind about your real father, we all have to know. It isn't doing something against your mom and I hope she doesn't think it is. It is doing something for ourselves that we have to do. Good Luck

Answer 5

As versantly sort of said- there's a lot involved in being a GOOD dad, compared to the basic biology required to "just be a dad".

I don't know the background, and it's important here. Maybe he walked out on your mom, maybe he was just a donor at a sp erm bank. He may feel he's being pressured into something.

SO- ease off! Keep it light if you can. Coffee in public is good. The thing you are going for is to have him WANT to see you again, from time to time. That way, you can S-L-O-W-L-Y make yourself part of his life (and him part of yours).

Answer 6

Just go meet him! While talking, you will find out how he feels, whether he is just there because you asked to meet him, or because he want's a relationship with you. Take it from there. But most of all, remember that YOU are the important one here.
He has not been in your life either because of him or your mother. There is no reason for you to feel guilty at all.

Answer 7

get all your pocket money,birthday money,christmas money, and money for clothes he should have been providing you with while growing up,get it all of him, if he cant give it then walk away, you survived this long ,you can go through the rest of your life without him too.if you were brought up by just your mum then tell her a thousand times how much you love her, if she had to be both mum and dad to you then shes worth her weight in gold and more precious and tough than you realise. if a man knows hes a dad and goes through life not being part of your childhood then wouldnt want him part of life now. a man with no conscience,or who disappears through circumstances because it ''was easier that way'' isnt a man to be proud off!no excuses or reasons can justify him getting on with life and not sharing yours!....till now, when the hard times,tears ,tantrums have all lay at your mums feet,now your grown up,it should be plain sailing for him to offer you a shoulder to cry on ,beg your forgivness,blah blah blah,dont lose any sleep over meeting him cos i doubt he lost any sleep over the years on your behalf! sorry its just that life aint a box of choccies and neither is it a hollywood tear-jerker!

Answer 8

Congratulations. This is your meeting with you dad and not a corporate meeting. Don't pre-plan it. He would be going through lots of emotions, and so would you. Just show your natural emotions, and let him do the same. Once this dam is broken, you can ask, answer talk. Good Luck. and congrats again. GuruBhai.

Answer 9

I MET ME dad for first time last month. im 19
i expected a big old apology about why he wasnt there in me life and that like ya would but he just wanted 2 talk bout me.
it felt like the only reason he was there was cause i asked to met him. i no its not the same for everyone but please dont get your hopes up. he may not be wot u expect him 2 be! i wish i never met mine now in a way

Answer 10

Now matter what, he's your dad, try to deal with any issues later after you get to know him. I didn't meet my dad until I was in 6th grade and that was way after the fact that my mom had died when I was 5. I was so happy to just know that he had been looking for me, that all the confusion and hurt ended with hello. Congrats