Depressed 21 year old child refuses medical help. What are the right words to change his/her mind?

Question

A dreadful year on Zoloft and poor talk therapy has turned my child against medical help. I haven't found the right words at the right time to get my child to seek help and stop feeling hopeless and adrift.

Answer 1

You are in a danger zone for both of you.

Your child will always be your child, but your child is not your baby anymore.

21 is certainly old enough for an individual to begin accepting full responsibility for her/his actions or inactions.

First, you may be too close to the issue to help. In fact, it may be that you ARE (in part) "the issue"...at least in his mind. Right now, we are concerned about what he is thinking, and not so much about what you (or others) think about what he is doing.

Too many psychiatric drugs on the market have the effect of:

1. Making the person behave the way that others want him/her to behave. "Good boy! Take your pills for Mommy and Daddy..."

2. "Gutting" the psyche of the patient, leaving them feeling unconnected, unmotivated, isolated, despondant...the list goes on.

It is very un-affirming for a human being to discover that others can only tolerate them when they take a pill that makes them feel like crap. A certain level of maturity is necessary for patients to be compliant on their medications AND be brutally honest with themselves in therapy.

Has his therapist been male or female? You might want to consider changing to a therapist of the other gender. Some people relate better to a certain gender.

Just because you may be paying for the therapy and medications, it may not be a good idea for you to be "in the loop" regarding the specifics of his/her progress.

If he learns that everything he shares with his therapist will also end up being discussed with you, he will clam up big time.

So, you must avoid questions like, "How was your therapy session today, sweetheart?" He'll get defensive and shut down very quickly (which may be the state he is in now).

While he is in therapy, YOU need to be in therapy too, with your own therapist. Think of it as AA for him and ALANON for you. You cannot be a good resource for him if his problems have you at your wit's end.

Finally, figure up the cost of a year's worth of medication and therapy, and have a discussion with YOUR therapist as to how you might take some (or all) of that money and invest it in "Life Therapy" for your son.

For instance, you could give him a choice of an adventure vacation, maybe hiking in the Colorado Rockies for (at least) three weeks, or riding the greyhound bus lines around the United States for three weeks or more.

Of course, he does it without you, maybe taking a friend along, and within a program that has some form of structure, so that he is not just outward bound on his own.

Search your brain for the name of someone in his support circle (an Uncle, an Aunt, Grandparent, or any person leading a successful, self-managed life) with whom he might bond more closely if encouraged to do things with them, such as movies, sports, daytrips, etc.

Last, what sort of spiritual foundation have you laid for your child? I'm not talking a specific religion, but have you shown him through your own life that there are reasons to believe in a "higher" or "inner" power?

If not, then he has no ammunition in his gun, and he's likely misplaced the gun itself.

If he reads, talk to other people his age and find out which books are currently changing their minds for the better. DON'T buy them for him; rather share that info with his "mentor" or with one of his friends.

If this situation is more serious than your question implies, and he is a threat to harm himself or someone else, then you have to consider the option of having him committed temporarily for inpatient care.

Also, follow the link and read "The Road Less Traveled" (in library)

Prayers and Good Thoughts,

G.E.T. RN
Psychiatric Registered Nurse (retired)

Answer 2

My heart goes out to you both. My son is the same way and as a mother we will do anything to help our children be fulfilled in their lives.

So many medications and only trial and error can determine what works best for the person. Being depressed makes you not want to even wake up in the morning let alone face the day. I have found that stimulating the interest of the person helps them to look forward to something...anything they look forward to is a boost. Cooking for example is one of my sons interests so he has joined a "cooking club", on-line/magazines, etc. Nothing you can specifically say will change the child's mind. Just be sure that they KNOW they are; loved, valuable as a person, makes a difference in peoples lives... telling them doesn't always help, it must be subtle and repetitive.

Once the child's mood is at an elevated level then you can approach the topic of med's and therapy but until that time they will reject it. It really has to come from themselves because otherwise they see it as hopeless. Have you tried homeopathic options? There are several good sites on the Internet that can lead to possible relief and another good homeopathic options are a doctor of Kinesiology, painless and related to reflexology or an Acupuncturists (a little scary for some because of the needles).

Good luck, I'll keep you in prayer.

Answer 3

It's a shame that our medical professionals resort to drugs, especially those which are considered experimental. However, to change your adult offspring's mind, you might consider being there for your child...walk through it with him/her...and don't be pushy. Drugs are not the answer, and often times, the medical pros really don't get it. I am not a professional but I know of too many people who are in the situation you have described. Drugs are too often resorted to, and they are not a cure, but a treatment for a symptom with worse side affects than the problem. If you are a religious family, I would suggest taking that route, along with improving diet and increasing exercise.

Answer 4

I agree with Gordios, I have seen too many times when the parents don't know when to back off and let their kids grow up. I have one friend that made her kids so dependent on her that they don't even function right but in their 30's and 40's still have Mom supplying a lot of their needs. I wanted out of home so much that I joined the army when I was young. I am sure glad I did. Mmm

Answer 5

I think your child is 100% correct. I suggest you change their diet if these are his symptoms:
fatigue
insomnia
mental confusion
nervousness
mood swings
faintness
headaches
depression
phobias
heart palpitations
a craving for sweets
cold hands and feet
forgetfulness
dizziness
blurred vision
inner trembling
outbursts of temper
sudden hunger
allergies
crying spells

It's sad how a lot of parents would call the above symptoms "ADD" or "anxiety disorder" or "depression" and never bother to look in their of refrigerator for the cure, but instead start feeding their kids drugs.

http://www.hypoglycemia.org/hypo.asp

Answer 6

change doctors and medicines... people have too try several before they get the right combination that works for them...you wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying on a couple of different styles first. give someone else a chance to find just the right combo... as for the right time... ask him to go somewhere with you. when you have him in car, on the interstate, then talk to him... that way he can't run and has too listen...

Answer 7

GOD BLESS YOU BOTH, UNFORTUNATELY IF SHE DOESN'T GET THE HELP SHE NEEDS , SHE MAY START ACTING OUT WITH HARMING HER SELF AND ALSO HARMING OTHERS
THAT'S WHATS WRONG , THE MEDICAL
FIELD IS FULL OF POOR MEDICAL CARE ..I FEEL FOR YOU BOTH , AND WISH YOU THE BEST!

Answer 8

I have suffered depression and panic attacks for 12 yrs now.I went on Zoloft and it made me psychotic.I now take Paxil and Clonazepam.It works well.I have Hiv so I tend to get depressed alot and these drugs have really helped me.Tell him goodluck.

Answer 9

there are no right words in a situation like your's, keep doing
your best.

Answer 10

Have you tried therapy?