How would you deal with the father of your kids only wanting to come around and see them when its convienent?

Question

My ex and i seperated in 2004. we have 2 kids together almost 6 and almost 3. He didn't want to see them at all when he had friends a life and all that. He hasn't seen them in over a yr. I have sole custody of them and i know my oldest misses him so much and i want my son to know his father but with the track record of only comin around once every 6-8 weeks did more damage to my son than good. I am so sick of him treating my kid like c rap. He doesn;t even know the little one that is almost 3. He recently moved away to med. hat and then told me that he had moved there "to make a life for himself". Now that he has lost his GF and everything down there in medicine hat he thinks its ok to want to walk back in their life but the question "how long til the next visit will he be back?" pops into my head. His track record makes it very hard to say ok come and take your kids....does anyone have any advice on this?

I love my kids more than anything but i want them to know that they are loved. By my kids's father coming around when he feels like it does no good for them. we had 3 court orders in place for him to see his kids, as i finally said enough is enough, and he saw them once in a 6 month period and that was on the second order for 4 hours. How can it be good for my kids to see their father once in a blue moon when they are so little and they have no idea what is going on

We have already done the whole court thing and that didn't work. he has no job, no stable place to live, i have tried to make reasonable requests with him to see his kids and nothing is ever good enough for him. This has been going on now for almost 3 and a half years...when will he ever learn that kids are not toys that can be played with and then put on a shelf to get dusty and come back to play with them when it is good for him.

No he is not paying child support. There is an order in place drafted through the court system but once again that is just another thing he is running from

Answer 1

It is not good for your kids and it is high time for you to put a stop to it. You say you have full custody, then stop allowing him to just breeze in and out of their lives.

Tell him what you told us and then you set a visit date and time for him and see if he shows. Tell him that he will be the deciding factor on if he will be in their lives or not. If he shows and acts OK then you can try it again. If he does not show, no matter what his excuse, cut him off. Tell him he either can stick to a schedule and not disappoint and hurt the kids or you will be forced to protect them and keep him away because they cannot stand to wait around for him and then he not show up.

My mother thought like you and tried to keep hope alive for us kids but my father constantly promised to come for us and we would wait for hours on end and he never came. Finally we stopped getting ready and stopped waiting. we realized that he did not care about us. Now we all view him with varying degrees of hate. It will happen to him too if he does not do the right thing. No matter what you say the kids will figure it out so you might as well protect them from this form of emotional abuse.

If he will not do the right thing, you must. Take if from my experience you are not doing your children any favors by trying to keep an uninterested man involved in their lives.

Answer 2

My question to you is this. . . Does he pay his child support? Because if he does he has the right to see his children and you cannot stop him from doing so. It doesn't matter whether they are regular visits or not. I know it doesn't seem fair to the children and they don't understand why daddy doesn't come around more. It leaves you with trying to explain and it is not fair, but unfortunalty it is the way it is. Divorce and seperation are very hard on children but the way we adults handle it will make a difference on how children will view it when they grow up.
Good Luck, I hope the two of you can work something out that will work better for the children. Consistancy is the best you can provide them if at all possilbe.

Answer 3

This is a very common pattern in 'the daddy that flew the nest'. When his life is ok he doesn't pay attention to the children but when he is on his backside and has nothing in his life he then thinks 'i am a daddy, i have children to love me' then when he finds something more occupying to his mind he puts the kids on a back burner. This man isn't putting the children or there feelings first so you need to make things clear. Give him a schedule to keep to over the next six months starting with little contact and then increase it if he sticks to it. Make sure it has set times and dates. Get it drawn up by a solicitor if need be but enforce it with the conditions that if he breaks one arrangement with no valid reason then he will not see the children and mess them around anymore. They can make their own descisions about him when they are older. Stability is what they need and if you do your bit then he can not shift any blame on to you in the future. Don't let him mess around, be clear and firm. I am going through this myself and believe me from experience this will be the best option all round, it's amicable but also a safeguard for your childrens feelings. Good Luck

Answer 4

Unfortunetly for him he's missing out on this kids being little and that's sad. You love your kids, I can tell from your writing, and the best thing to do is let Dad see then kids when he wants. Your kids will know how often Dad saw them, but the kids will know that Mom always let Dad see them when he wanted. You're doing your part and that is the most important thing. Your kids will realize that and love you for it.

Answer 5

I'm sorry you picked such a sorry excuse for a man to make babies with, please don't make any more....ever....