What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Question

i've heard many a good joke before, and i'm wondering what's the best one you've ever heard. The one i find the funniest gets best answer.

Answer 1

An American tycoon is on a business trip to Japan. The
night before he is due to play golf with a Japanese
businessman he decides to pick up a prostitute & take
her back to his hotel room. To take his mind off the
impending meeting he ***** her really long and hard,
to which she starts screaming "SUNG WA! SUNG WA!"
which he assumes is Japanese for "Amazing, Amazing".

The next day the golf game goes really well and on the
18th hole the Japanese businessman gets a hole in one.
Seeking to impress his host, the American shouts out
"SUNG WA! SUNG WA!". The Japanese turns to the
American with a confused look on his face and asks,
"What do you mean, 'wrong hole'"?

Answer 2

One is a song, and another is a Michael Jackson joke.

Number 1:

(Sung to the tune of 'I Believe I Can Fly')

♫ I believe I can die, ♫
♫ I got ran over by the Ice Cream guy, ♫
♫ All I wanted was a popsicle, ♫
♫ Instead I ended up in a hospital . . . ♫

Number 2:

Q: What does a television and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: They both can get turned on by three year olds.

That's all I got.

Answer 3

Your kid has been kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

I love it

Answer 4

These are funny!!

1. An American, a frenchman, and an englishman were walking through the amazon when they were captured by the natives. The natives told them that they were going to kill them and use their skins to make canoes. The 3 men would be given the choice on how they would die.

The Englishman said "Give me a gun." Upon getting the gun he said, "Love live the Queen!" and shot himself.

The Frenchman said,"Give me a sword." He said "Vive la France!" and impaled himself.

The American said "Give me a fork." Upon getting the fork, he began stabbing himself all over his body saying "screw your canoes!"


2. Ok this is a good one...

3 explorers get lost in the jungle and get kidnapped by a jungle tribe. The tribe's cheifs told the explorers to collects 9 of a fruit and perform a task, then he won't kill them.

The first explorer came with 9 oranges.

The cheif says "Shove em up your butt without showing any emotion, then i will let you go."

The terified explorer started shoving. On the second orange he winced. He was immediately killed by the cheif.

The second explorer came after the other explorer's death. he had grapes. The chef told him the task and the exporer began.

On the 9th grape the explorer started laughing and was killed.

The 2 explorers meet in heaven.

The first one asks" why'd you laugh, you almost had it?

The 2nd explorers says " I saw the 3rd guy coming with pineapples!"


3.A Cuban, A Mexican, & an American were all sitting in a boat, fishing, having a great time. The cuban reaches into his pocket and pulls out a (cuban) cigar, and the mexican and american pull out a cigarette. They all light up, and after a few puffs the Cuban throws the cigar out into the ocean. The American baffled and confused asked "Why did you throw that over board, arent Cubans ridiculously expensive?" the cuban leans back and replies "In my country, cubans are plentiful." at which point the mexican looks at his cigarette and throws it over board and says "in my country cigarettes are plentiful." Of coarse now the American sits back, looks down at his cigarette and throws the mexican overboard......

Answer 5

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
> > > A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> > > A carton of eggs,
> > > A quart of orange juice,
> > > A head of romaine lettuce,
> > > A 2 lb. can of coffee,
> > > And a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The Drunk Replied "Because you're ugly."

Answer 6

An elephant gets a sliver in his foot that is very small but very annoying. Eventuallly his grumbles and groans get the attention of an ant close by, who asks him whats wrong. After explaining the situation to the Ant, the ant says that he will agree to remove the sliver if the elephant lets the Ant have anal sex with him. The elephant reluctantly agrees, and after the sliver is removed the ant crawls up the back of the elephant out of sight. The elephant doesn't feel or hear anything, so after a few minutes desides to move along. After a few steps he looks back to see if he can see the ant, and while doing so smacks his head into a tree branch causing him to say "OW!". Right after that he hears a tiny voice behind him say... "YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT BIATCH?!"

Heres a clean one:

What did the snail say who caught a ride on the back of a turtle?

WOOOHOOOO!!!

Answer 7

Q. What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?

A. He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

OR

No man is an island, but Eugene is a small town in Oregon.

Answer 8

Heaven was filling up, so God decided to only let people in who had really horrible deaths.

The first guy came in to the purgatory and God asked him how he died.

The man began his story.

"Well, I found out my wife was having an affair, so I tried to kill the guy. I found him outside a window of a five story building hanging on to the ledge by his hands. I hit his hands with a hammer and he fell off of the building. When he hit the ground he still didn't die, so I threw a refrigerator on him and he died. And after all of that, I died of a heart attack.

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" so he let him through the gate.

The next guy came in to the purgatory and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"Well I was working out in the hallway when I slipped and fell down the stairs and fell out the window. I managed to grab the window ledge but some guy hit my hands with a hammer so I fell off the building. I landed in a bush so I was okay, but then the guy threw a fridge on me!

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" and he let him through the gate.

Then a third guy came in to the purgatory and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"You aren't going to believe this" he said, "but i was hiding in a refridgerator...

Answer 9

I just recently looked at all the capabilities of my wii. I invited your mother over last night and we used the multi player function.

PS - It's not a Nintendo Wii!

Answer 10

What do you call a fly that can not fly?


A WALK!!!