How do I find out whats going on at my child's daycare?

Question

My 3 year old hates his new daycare. We just recently switch daycares and my son is terrified to go into the daycare. I'm starting to wonder what really goes on at the daycare. I've popped in and haven't witnessed anything and hes too young to tell me what goes on. What are some good ways I can find out?

Answer 1

I can't believe nobody has suggested to you that instead of placing the horrible burden on your 3 yr old baby (of enduring a place he hates while you try to "figure out" why) you should instead do the difficult work of a parent and figure out a way to not have to send him away from you to strangers that are doing god knows what to him.

There is no way for you to find out what these people are doing to your son -- the real question is how can you change your life around so that you don't have to wonder and he doesn't have to suffer another day of a sad little life. Get a new job where you work at night, move to a smaller place, sell a car, clean houses on the weekends, make your husband step up and support the family so you can stay home and then figure out how to ive on whatever it is he can provide, or move in with your parents / any other family if you are not married so you can have help caring for the baby while you work a new schedule out -- you are a mother, it is your job to figure this out.

My mom worked at a daycare for a few months when I was in high school (we were so lucky that she never worked while we were little) and the stories she told were SO SAD. She said one "teacher" just hated some of the children, for no reason, but she would act lovely in front of the parents and then glare at the children she hated, exclude them, ignore them, roll her eyes at them, make awful faces at them conveying her hate and the poor little kids would just cower and sulk around the classroom and playground feeling the hatred -- how on earth could you a child who could talk explain this and how could the parents know the environment their little babies were developing under each and every day?

My mom was also horrified at the disgusting food they fed the children -- everything from a can, dirty, often it would fall on the floor and the teacher would throw it back on their little plates, if one child was slow to eat she would just come back around and pick up all the food again and that child would just get no snack for the 4 hours... these are just the everyday things she saw -- we're not even talking about the truly abusive situations you hear about all the time. And by the way, my mom complained to the daycare director because she felt so bad for the little children, and the director's solution was to just move her to another classroom. My mom quit she was so saddened and disgusted, she loves children, raised us to never have a need as babies and in the most pristine / loving environment, she just couldn't believe anyone would leave their child in these conditions unless TRULY there was absolutely no other option in the world (i.e. you have absolutely no family, no options to get a different job, live on half of the current household income -- which we could all do -- no man in the child's life that can truly provide them the most important thing, being with their mother all day).

I changed my entire life around once my baby was born so that I can be the only that takes care of him, and I often take him to a playground where kids from the local preschool (i.e. 3-4 yr olds in daycare) play, and I see sad situations every day. Kids hurting each other with no adult to protect them, kids with runny noses left unattended for hours, either freezing or burning up b/c no one notices or cares that they have totally inappropriate clothes on for being outdoors, and the "teachers" just sitting at a bench talking. Once I was walking up and heard one of them telling the other teacher "don't even think of her as a human being, she is just big fat disgusting body, not a person but a fat blob" -- no idea who / what they were talking about but I can tell you I would never want someone with these values, ideas having any influence whatsoever on my baby. Much less would I want someone like this to be the person that has the MOST influence, spending 8+ a day giving life examples to my boy.

So my answer is what you already know -- there is no way you can find out "what is going on" with your child in an evironment over which you have no true access or control.

Please listen to your baby and to your gut, and do the right thing, the most difficult thing, and change your life around so that you can save your baby from a life that as you described, he "hates." It is no small thing to spend ALL DAY in a terrible place, don't put him through that. Best of luck.

Answer 2

She will be fine, my son started daycare at 26 months. Pack what the daycare director says, and maybe a blankie or a stuff animal if that is allowed. I also always packed a change of clothes in my daughter's bag, even though the center had extras on hand it made me feel better. One piece of advice is label EVERYTHING, from shoes to hat. It is easy for your child to come home with the wrong things if they are not labeled.

Answer 3

Ok, you've recently switched daycares (that could be the problem) and he is upset about the transition. Toddlers dislike change (that's putting it mildly!) and a new situation will always bring some fear with it. Give an appropriate amount of time for him to get used to the new situation, rules, buildings, and people. On average, most toddlers are ok after two weeks. Some take up to a month. Others (and this is worst case scenario) take up to three or more months. It all depends on the routine, what the staff does at the center to greet and engage your child, how you deal with drop-offs, and how you talk about school when it is just the two of you. For example, if you are constantly asking questions about if he felt scared at school today, he is going to wonder if there is something he needs to be scared of at school. I would start by asking the staff what they do to comfort him when he is upset (secure attachments to you always cause separation anxiety) and if it seems that he is able to regulate himself when he is upset. Some kids need to be cuddled and hugged, while others need to be left alone. Tell the staff what you do when he is upset... is there a certain song he loves, story you read to him or other way you comfort him?

I also agree with the first answerer... ask to be a fly on the wall for a day. Ask to volunteer in the classroom so you can judge for yourself how the staff generally handle the children. You'll have to go more than once to get a good picture of the situation. Evaluate how they talk in general to the children... is there a "good vibe" to the class? Do the other children seem generally happy to be there? Are the activities for the children age appropriate and the expectations of their abilities appropriate? Then you'll be better aware of what the happenings are in the classroom and how the staff respond to children.

Again, if you just switched daycares, that is bound to be a huge factor in his resistance. Make sure that you are not putting your own interpretation of his feelings into the mix... if you are feeling guilty for leaving him (as many of us mommies do) or feeling unsure about saying goodbye- he can feel it. Children are magnificent at picking up nonverbal communication, and without truly understanding the intellect behind it, they can tranfer that negative energy to themselves. It is important that whenever you talk about school, that you are in a positive tone, and that when you leave him at school, that you leave with a smile and "I'll be back". Your physical responses could also have a lot to do with the way he responds to going to school, so be aware of that.

On another note- watch out with the ideas about planting a tape recorder or video... in many places this is illegal. I understand the need to make sure that your child is safe, and any teacher worth her salt (and who cares about the well-being of children) would tell you to come right in and record, but you are violating other's rights to privacy. Not just the staff, but the other children in the classroom, and that could go badly for you if it ever came to light that you had secretly recorded in the classroom. Now, if you talk to the director, ask permission, had written permission from the other parents to video or such- you'd be able to do it. So, I'd cross that idea off the list. I know you want to make sure that you are seeing what "really" happens, not just the Disneyland version of the day... but you have to put a little trust in the staff you have asked to watch over your precious child. I bet if you just ask to volunteer, you'll get a resounding "That would be great!", and if you don't (or some lame excuse as to why you can't) you may be suspicious. "Real" excuses: you need a TB Test (negative clearance of Tuberculosis, which your son needed to start preschool) to work with children or you need to have your fingerprints cleared through the FBI and child abuse index. This is to cover thier butt and allow you to work with other people's children. This shouldn't be required if this is a one-time volunteering day, but if you were to volunteer once a week or something, it would be required for you to have. By volunteering in the class, you should be able to get a good feel for how things are run and how the staff treat the children.

Answer 4

Ask other parents if their children seem to be acting up going in to the preschool of a morning. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, just pop in and bring something your child "forgot at home" and see what is going on......also if all else fails change daycares again kids are usually smarter than we give them credit for.

Answer 5

Talk to other parents and see if they are having a similar issue. Consider that this is a new environment and your child has yet to adjust. It could be there is a child your child does not get along with and it could be a toileting issue. Children of three can be more communicative if you draw them out. Ask direct questions like Do you like your teacher Ms. "jones" - what do you like? Do you have any friends? What are their names? and so on. By asking very specific questions your child can help you to better understand what they do not like and what they do about the new environment. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Can you switch him to somewhere else? It isn't good for him to be terrified of his caretakers. I also would not spy on them because you are setting your son and yourself up for some serious drama that way. What if something is going on there and you do hear something on the recording that is absolutely aweful, but he was still left there all day? No, just take him somewhere else.

On the other side of it, it may just not be the right fit for him. In which case I would still say to take him somewhere else.

--My horror story....
My daughter hated going to her daycare when she was 2 and a half. I stopped in and checked, asked her and also talked to her provider. Nothing. Then one day when I was changing her she looked red down there. I asked her if something happened and she said one of the kids (by name) had been touching her down there. She is 6 now and doesn't remember any of it, but it was traumatic for all of us then.

Please learn from my experience.

Answer 7

he is proabaly just not used to it. it took my kids at least 4-6 weeks to get used to a new daycare. Especially if he had been at the other one for a long time,

Answer 8

Pop in every now and then at unexpected times of the day. Or get some1 from cheaters to record whats going on, lol.

Answer 9

If he's too young to verbalize his feelings, then ask his provider. Maybe they can give you some sort of insight. If you trust this person to tell you the truth, then great, if not then why would you leave your child with them??

Answer 10

have you spoken with the teachers there and let them know how he feels and what little he can tell you...also talk with other parents and see if they are having the same issues...or it could be he does not like the new place if he was elsewhere before