question for the military wives...?

Question

my husband just called and said he is getting deployed. i dont want to cry, i want to be strong for him. we have been married for less than a year adn have a 4 month old baby. im am only 17, and i never got to finish highschool. my husband wants me to stay here in louisiana on base but i kinda want to go back to my hometown an finish highschool. i cannot do it here becasue the schools dont have a daycare like the one in my hometown. i like it here becasue it has become home to us. when i talk to my husband tonight this is going to come up, should i just stay here so he knows im safe, of should i do what i want to? waht would you do. remeber that im going to be raising a baby by myself at 17. i have friends here but no family.

Answer 1

Hi. I've been through 2 year long deployments, the most recent w/ a baby. I met my husband in MY hometown so all of my family, friends, job, etc are here w/ me. THERE IS "NO" WAY I COULD HAVE DONE IT W/O MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!! The 1st time, yes, but NOT w/ a baby. It's more work than most people realize, especially when you have a job, school, house, pets, bills to pay, etc. Good luck and stay strong!!!!

Answer 2

I certainly understand how important it is to have family around when you're husband is deployed. You have the comfort of familiar surroundings and the close support of those you love. The school option is a good pull towards that direction for you also, if that's something you want to do.

Also consider your access to information regarding the deployment and your husband's unit. There is infinitely more support on or near a military base, especially the one you're assigned to, regarding military issues. You have access to so many programs, events, news, support groups, etc, that you don't get in an average home town. If something goes wrong that you need military help, you're right there. They also have education centers on base that you could look into getting a GED or HSED during more flexible hours where you could hire a friend or utilize the on-base day care while you take your tests. Check with your local CYS (Child and Youth Services) office, depending on your husband's rank, you may be eligible for a certain number of free hours of childcare per month. I know they do it here.

I've done both. My husband was in Korea (no combat) for a year and I went home. My family actually turned out to be not as helpful as I had imagined and my job opportunities would have been better had I stayed where I was. That was just one bad experience though.
I'm overseas now and currently half way through our second Iraq rotation. While I miss my family immensely, it's nice to be on post and around people going through similar experiences. Our community has also come up with some great deployment programs to get wives out of the house (lunch groups, etc), free childcare hours regardless of rank, stuff like that.

Answer 3

I have done two deployments - one at home near family and one near my husband's duty station. I personally prefer to be near the military installation. I like being near the FRG and around other military families who understand what I'm going through. I had a much easier time the 2nd deployment -that was probably a combination of experience and the support I had around post. However, the deployment I lived at home was when hubby was stationed at Ft Polk, which is where I'm assuming you are. Since there's not much to do there, I can imagine that a deployment would be a good deal harder. It's too easy to get sucked into the whiny, bitchy, complaining mode when there's nothing else to do. I also found that we had a bigger problem with negativity and even cheating with the FRG at Polk, which I blame partly on the fact that there really was nothing better to do (not that there's ever an excuse to cheat on your soldier).

Also, given your situation, I'd probably go home. You're so young to be there by yourself, especially with a baby. Finishing school is ALWAYS a good idea, so if going home will make that possible, it's probably a good idea.

I don't know how far "home" is from Louisiana, but if possible, maybe you could go back and forth. This last deployment I had a friend who maintained her house on post, but would spend a month or more at a time at home with her parents. She was about 10 years older than you, but this was her husband's 1st time in Iraq and they had 2 kids (one of which was a brand new baby). It was easier on her to have her mom and family around to help. This way you get the best of both worlds - you can still see your military friends some, but you also spend a lot of time with your family.

Ultimately, it's your decision. Tell your husband how you feel and hopefully you two can work something out. Good luck, and stay strong while he is gone.

ADDED: Like the active duty guy above said, if where you are living now "feels" like home, you will probably have an easier time there. Being in the house that you share with your husband is nice, because you have memories of him around you and it helps you to feel a little closer to him. I considered moving during the middle of the last deployment, but decided not to because I didn't want to live somewhere that my husband had never even seen, much less lived in. It just wouldn't have felt like home.

Answer 4

Finishing your education is a very good idea. He'll be gone for a year, so it would make sense to take your baby back to your hometown so you'll have family to help you raise her. Regardless of where you stay, go back to school. Get that diploma. It'll be worth it, believe me. You could even look into getting a GED. The education center on base can help you with that.

The base should also have a day care center to help you with the baby, as well as a career center and a program for family of deployed troops. Either way, the support you need is there for you.

God bless you. Remember, hard doesn't mean hopeless. You can do this! Go ahead and cry. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you care for him and will worry that he's gone.

Answer 5

I am 19, we married in September. My husband left for Iraq two weeks after I had our son on Jan 7th. We are both from Illinois. We live off, but very close to base (Ft Bliss, TX). I am still attending college. He left it up to me as to whether or not I wanted to go back home or stay here near the base. I know it's hard, especially being young and alone, I feel it here - deeply at times. I know you don't want to cry, but sometimes you will have to left yourself, otherwise, keeping it in hurts just as bad. I cry, even still, but it happens less and less often as the time goes by. If you want to "be strong" for him, then doing it when you know he isn't around, or if you do cry in front of him just explain that you love him so much you can't help but not be sad about him leaving.

You have a desire to finish your education, I think you should go for that. Hopefully, he will be understanding that you want to do the best for yourself while ensuring your child is taken care, cost-effectively while doing so. Having a good support system no matter where it is, home or on base, is the number one thing for dealing with deployments. Just discuss things with him. Do you belong to the FRG (family readiness group)? If you don't like the FRG (and that's understandable) then your base's ACS (Army Community Services) has information about surviving deployment. This way you can effectively show him that what you are wanting to do is actually recommended. (i.e., keeping "busy" while he's gone, having a good support system in place, etc.)

I do hope that you can still achieve your personal goal while making it through the deployment. Remember, there are people and services out there to help you through all of this. You're not alone, there are other wives going through this too. Myself, for one.

Answer 6

My advice to you, take classes online and stay on base, or if you go home will you have family there? I know alot of military wives that went home for the deployment. Finish High School and become part of the FRG (Family Readiness Group) they will help you immensely especially if you decide to stay on base. You would save more money if you moved back home if there was a place for you to live and then you wouldn't be spending your BAH, but then you will have to make sure that you have a place to live for when he gets back. Your friends can be closer and understand what you are going though more than family. I know this from personal experience. Get together with a couple of other wives, you take care of their kids once in awhile and then when you have class they can watch yours. Be where you want to be, if it is home to you where you are stationed now, then stay there, because during this time you want what you know and are comfy with. Keep busy and the time will go by faster. this is a perfect time to get educated as it will occupy your time and mind.

Answer 7

I truly understand how you would want to go back home and all, but depending on how long he's in the military, there will be a point when your child is in school and it wouldn't be right to keep running back home. My husband was active duty for 20 years and I always stayed on or near the base. We used to laugh at the ones who ran home and felt they weren't cut out to be a military wife. There is so much help and support near most bases and the friends you make there will truly understand what you are going thru. Much more so than your family. And I talk from personal experience.

Answer 8

Honey, I know it's hard! Been there done that. My husband was in the Marines for 8 years. Number one talk to him let him know how you are feeling. Number two, check with base services they are there to help, some provide daycare. Be careful you guys are very young; keep the lines of communication open. I have been married for 16 years now, the ride has been bumpy at times, but it's all worth it in the end. A lot of people will try to tell you that being so young it won't last, don't listen, stay strong, support your husband - it will all pay off in the end. Take care of yourself; I'll keep you in my prayers! Thank your husband for his service to our great country!

Answer 9

I am 42 years old, go to college (thanks to the Army paying for it) raise two teens and my husband is on his fourth deployment. If you want to go home and finish college I would. I think an education os good for a lady to have, if your parents are OK with it. Sometimes home is good for a young women when her husband is deployed. I still want to go home when my husband is out, but he gets jelous of me going home, I guess he thinks of it as a vacation and psending all that money to go home, but I go to college here to. I would do what is best for you and the baby, because you are left in-charge when he is gone, so you have to do what is mentally good for you and the baby for the next six monts or a year, however long he is deployed.

Answer 10

i am not a militaray wife...i am active duty...if you were my wife i would let you make the decision, since me and my wife have worked through these issues you do have to be strong...the base( i imagine your at ft polk) should have a child development center. it costs money but it is based off your and your husbands income...you can do that and finish school...it is very smart for you to finish school. also if it has become home to you and it feels like home, you should probably stay there as you will feel more comfortable and it will be easier to deal with his absence. good luck with everything and you will do fine..keep your head up..it's only a year and wish your husband luck for me....Army strong