Step-Daughter who won't quit help?

Question

I have been married for 3 years now, he has a daughter who is 11 and has learned the art of lies very well. So well that she tells stories about me that aren't true, steals from ME and will act like a different, mean child when her father is not around. I have dealt with this for so long now and it just gets worse, last night she tells me that she hates me and hopes that her father and I divorce, she admits to several lies and admits that she hopes he'll leave me. What can I do? she hasn't realized that she is making herself miserable, espiecally when she gets caught and then receives punishment which is she has to read. I don't know what to do or how to handle it, her real mother left her years ago and all she has is her dad. I love and care for her but doesn't seem to be good enough...nothing is....any advice

Answer 1

Two words: Family counseling.

Within that family unit couseling with you three together, also seek individual counseling so she is able to open up more.

She is lashing out by being angry at you for a few reasons she justifies it as.

1) you "stole" her one and only parent from her.
2) She is angry at her own mother and you might remind her of her own mother once in awhile. So, more asseccful to take it out on you.
3) Her life style has changed and her hormons are changing.
4) Attention
5) Knows it gets to you and that is like feeding fire more wood.

When she says "I hate you".

You say "and I love you". and then walk away. She wants that negative reaction. Don't give it to her but give her assurance you are still there and want to be there for her.

She is a pre-teen, welcome to teen years.

Do not use academics as a form of punishment. That is why I HATE reading is because that was my punishment in school. Then when I went home, I would have to sit on my bed and I can only read.........

She acts out, she goes to her room and is not allowed to do fun activities. No t.v, no radio, no cell (if have one), no phone calls and her dad MUST back you up on this by doing the same. You will be labeled as "unfair" and "the bad" parent. She will get over it. It is part of parenting.

I was the same, not as bad, when my mom married my step dad (who had 5 previous kids) when I was 10. It is extremly hard having 1 parent for 10 years and then I got another coming in telling me what to do, where to go and what to say. I am stubborn and I rebelled. She is rebelling and I understand why.

Let her get an outlet. Music, dance, art, or anything where she can find a positive hobby to help with good influence.

He needs to be more involved. Explain that she doesn't have to love you as a mother, which one day you hope she would, but you two should at least be friends and tolerate eachother.

Family counseling hun. Especialy for the girl. She will get worse and will find negative outlets eventually. Best to get help now than wait til a real big problem arises.

Answer 2

Are you the other poster talking about an 11 year old who lies?

If not this really ISN'T your issue to deal with, it's her DAD'S. And he's not dealing with it it seems because he's not seeing the behaviour and he's probably thinking it's a cat fight between the two of you. By not supporting you and giving her a good talking to, and enforcing the expectation that he's with you and he's going to stay with you , no matter what she does or thinks, he's showing her that she can get away with anything and she'll always be number one in his life , no matter who he is involved with.

IMHO the whole family needs counselling as well as the child needing counselling. There are more than likely secondary and tertiary issues around her mother's abandonment of her and perhaps her mother's psychological health which may be factors in the daughter's psychological health.

Daddy's playing ostrich isn't going to help her in the long run with her relationships with boys and men and other women .

Good luck lady , you're going to need it I think.

Answer 3

Yes, yes, counseling is a standard practice which has sometimes helped families in the past. HOWEVER:

This young girl has already undermined the authority of the adults in her life and successfully insinuated herself into adult matters. Giving her the power by essentially saying that you needed yet another adult to deal with what the grown-ups in her house should be handling.

What can you do? First, insist on family meetings once a week. Begin them with praise, and create a place where people are allowed to air grievances as long as it is respectful and honest. When those ground rules are broken, discussion is ended.

Second, stop using reading as a punishment. She will need to read for the rest of her life; do you want her to avoid doing her college studying because to her it feels like she's getting punished? Of course not!

Third, handle adult matters without the children. Discuss her behavior with her father in private, and present a united adulthood when dealing with her.

Have her write lines. Classic, but VERY effective. Use simple points of morality/ethics for lines. Some examples are:

"My father can love me AND my stepmom."
"Lying tricks people, and I don't like being tricked."

Answer 4

She is not letting herself get close to you because she thinks you will just leave like her mother. She needs counseling to deal with her abandonment issues. She's probably afraid you will take him away from her and he is all she has. Keep on caring no matter what. Show her that no matter how unlovable she thinks she can be, you still care. Explain to her that you love her but her behavior in unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If she does it again she should be told her father will not talk to her until she apologizes to you and him for her behavior. She will come around because children can't stand being ignored and she has to learn she can not be so disrespectful. If you don't do this now it will only get worse.

Answer 5

Well first off you need to talk to your husband, and he should care enough about his daughter and also you to want to talk to her so this stops, the lies and stealing. Also, because he loves you he will want her to love you too. Reading is not such a punishment, you's may want to try something a little stricter.Maybe the 3 of you should try to do fun things together that she enjoys, it might make her enjoy spending time with you two. And, maybe you can try to sit her down and talk to her she may be upset still about her mother and think you are trying to take her place and explain to her that your not, she is young and is probably still hurt and a little bit confused. Or all 3 of you should sit down and talk and if none of that works, you should try to see a family counselor and give her a chance to also explain her feelings alone with the therapist.

Answer 6

Reading as a punishment? Oh boy that's REALLY going to be great when she gets into highschool and college and NEEDS to read but will equate it with punishment. FANTASTIC way to go! Make the child hate reading so she can flunk out of school. GREAT punishment.
You became involved with a man who came with "baggage" If you didn't want the problems that come with said "baggage" you should never have gotten involved and never gotten married. This child is obviously dealing with issues of abandomnet by her mother and all anyone around her can think of is not help and support for her but punishment. No wonder she hopes her father will leave you...I suggest family counseling for you ALL and maybe even parenting classes for you and her father.

Answer 7

You're in a very tough situation. I always advise people to not get into that mess in the first place. But here you are already in it for 3 years. What you need is lots of patience. The only thing you can do now is to show her that you truely love her, and take good care of her. When she gets older, she will notice and appreciate you. Right now, she's too young to understand it all, and she may have a hatred for you because she thinks because of you, her parents are no longer together.

Answer 8

I have a step mother and step father. Both care for me, but I can't help but hold some resentment towards my step mother....not b/c she's done anything directly towards me, but rather that she stands for a replacement mother. I care for her and would never try to do anything to make her life miserable, but I can't help but have these feelings in the back of my head. Maybe, perhaps you are pushing the "I am your mother now" role too much. Yes, you are married to her father and you want respect, but let her know that you're not trying to be her mother. You know that you aren't. You just want to be there for her when she needs you because you care about her. Definitely do not push the "call me mommy" stuff. B/c I know it made me feel uncomfortable and in truth I have a mom and she isn't her.

Answer 9

I think family counselling is in order.
First you need to discuss this alone with your husband. And perhaps the 2 of you should talk to a family counseller about her and the toll it's taking on your family. The counseller would be able to help the 2 of you decide when to bring your step daughter into a family counselling session.

Answer 10

This is a tough one and at the hardest age, too. If I were in your shoes, I would try to "kill her with kindness". Be a friend to her, even when she is being a little brat. Tell her you love her, and you want to be her friend. Spend time with her, treat her special, take her out with just the two of you... You have to show her that you are not the enemy and that you are not trying to replace her mother.
Check out that movie, Stepmom with Julia Roberts. It might be a good one to watch with her.