A Very Difficult and Controlling Mother?

Question

My mother& I haven't spoken in 3 wks. It all started when I made a few jokes about a few of her quirks-the first one, she participated in & laughed back & the 2nd one, she told me where to go using the F word multiple times.I was completely taken off guard as were the 3 family members we were with as they were all joking with us.In thinking about the situation & the reality of what happened, I know it goes much deeper.I have had such anger toward her that I cannot physically talk to her as I think it would affect my health negatively. I sent her an email & told her that I am willing to forgive and forget and that I was saddened to think she thought I would hurt her intentionally. Her answer was that I needed to meet with her face to face w/my father present. I know why she wants to do that, so she can belittle me one again &have my Dad scold me like I am a child (I'm 35 y.o). She hasn't even called or seen my daughter in 3 weeks, that hurts more than her being mad at me.What do I do?

Answer 1

I handle things like that by letting people like her stew in their own juices. If they want to act like babies I let them, but I dont go around them. They can fume & be miserable all they want but I wont expose myself to that kind of negativity.

Answer 2

First of all you have to realize you cannot control her reaction like not calling your daughter in three weeks so try and not let that upset you. Your anger stems from so much more than what has taken place in the past few weeks. I went through the same thing with my mother, I am now 48. But my issue with my mom was not allowing me to grow up and make my own choices, so when I finally did reach adulthood, I had no clue how to react in certain situations. I was never taught to think for myself, and to do as she said. Little did she know she didnt know "how to" herself, so she just taught me what she didnt know! Anyways, things can be fixed its not too late - but you have to put down some boundaries here. Your mother has no right to belittle you at any time, let alone if your father is present. Tell her you wont accept being treated that way, you deserve her respect the same way she wants yours. But the under lying issue here is why you are so upset with your mom. Do some hard thinking and come to terms with exactly why you feel this way. You have to heal from whatever it is and you can't do that until you identify what it is. Then once you see that, you have to distance from it if she isnt willing to change, (if she is the reason). You have a family and a child and that is your priority now, and you dont want to pass on to your child what was passed on to you. I'd be willing to bet, your mom went through some stuff with her mom too. Just really do some thinking on it and see if you can realize why you are so angry with your mom, other than this once instance. Once you do that you will be surprised how much more you come up with and how fast you walk away from stuff like that in the future.

Answer 3

What you do is get professional help, i.e. go see a counselor or therapist. It sounds like there's some kind of toxic dynamic going on in your family, and it would be helpful to have someone who has had training in dealing with such problems help you to unwind it.

I went through a similar situation and went to counseling (without my dad, who I had broken off contact with). With the counselor's help I was able to unwind the problem and determine that my father, who is bipolar, also has some personality disorder issues. This was a revelation, because it hadn't occurred to me that someone's toxic and negative behavior could be the result of what is, in fact, a form of mental illness.

In learning about personality disorders, I came to understand that there were limits to what I could expect from my dad in terms of him ever changing, or even realizing that he had a problem; and I learned from the therapist how best to cope with his behaviors and how to unload/defuse the stress his behaviors caused me. When you find out that someone who is obnoxious behaves that way because they are virtually hard-wired to behave that way, and they can't change, you realize that a lot of the things that they have done to hurt you are, in fact, impersonal in the sense that that's just the way they are.

I think this is what you need to do. Get professional help figuring out what is behind the toxic family dynamic you are experiencing, and to figure out if there is, realistically, anything you can do about it. Good luck.

Answer 4

Tell her you'll meet with her, but not the rest of the family, since they weren't offended.

Answer 5

just forget about her, i mean i know that she is your mother, but sometimes you have to let family go. it is better to maintain your happiness and health, than to deal with stuff like that

Answer 6

Tell her oh please, what's your dad gonna do, spank you and send you to your room? If she wants respect from you then she better show some respect herself.

Answer 7

u can tell her ur srry and talk about wat happened and just let her at least be close to ur daughter even if u and her cant get along