Should I allow my in-laws unsupervised time with my children?

Question

About 5 years ago, my mother in-law spanked my son ( 17 months at the time) for running away from her, she did this in front of me! I spoke with my husband about it later that evening, he agreed with me that she shouldn't of done it. The next day I explained to her that only myself and my husband (her son my son's father) would be the only people allowed to physically disciplin our kids. Not her or anyone else. As angry as I was, I was very civil during this conversation. She said she agreed,and as a mother she could understand how I felt. Well 3 days later, my son had gone towards an electrical out, about a ft away. My mother in-law smacked his hands, again right in front of me. In other situations,she's made comments like..." you better hope your mother gets a hold of you before I do!" Needless to say I'd had enough! Since then I've never let her watch the kids. Now she often asks the kids "when are you going to sleep over with us?" I'm stil against it, what should i do?

Answer 1

Hi there ,what a situation ,i can understand you dont want her spanking your kids, you have told her about it but she isnt respecting you ,is she ?i personally wouldnt let her have your kids ,by saying to the kids about them staying over instead of asking you about it she is trying to get the kids to pressurise you to let them stay ,you dont want them to stay there ,they are YOUR kids not hers ,she may be there grandmother but she hasnt got no right to smack your kids ,you sound like a lovely person not the sort of person to let their kids run wild so they need some kind of discipline ,good luck and dont let her make you feel bad about it xxx

Answer 2

How has she treated your children in the last five years? Has she stopped threatening them when they do something she thinks they shouldn't? Has she figured it out that you won't allow them to be smacked or scared by threats? If so, then I'd allow the kids to spend a few hours with their grandmother and see how it goes. The six year old is old enough to tell you if Grandma is fun or scary. If all goes well after numerous afternoon visits, then I'd consider letting her have the kids overnight. You have to go with your instincts. Remember the spanking and smack happened five years ago! Is she a sweet Grandma that the kids look forward to seeing and spending time with? Talk with the kids to find out how they feel about spending time with Grandma without Mom & Dad around. Take your cues from them and how they interact with their Grandma when you're around. By the way, problems with your mother-in-law should be handled by your husband. That's his mother-his problem. Good Luck!

Answer 3

How come your mother reached the baby before you did? I'm glad some moved on it. If nobody teaches him now the next thing that goes into the outlet ...well I'm sure he will decide what that will be given he's watched his grandmother being scolded for telling him to stay away from it. Learn to take this all with a grain of salt before you introduce your mother to anti-grandparenting. I'm serious she's your mother, you have most likely turned out fine. With all due respect to you being a mother she is a GRANDmother and your worries come from peer pressure outside your family.

Here's the opposite:

Grandma or Grandpa tells now teenage grandson that you are out of control of yourself because you got after him for stealing what doesn't belong to him or beating you up. In fact, it looks as tho they are suggesting he end up in jail and yet he seems to worship them because they are rebelliously cool and you are not. Grandparents who never grew up do this isn't it childish? Be happy you have parental support from your parentals and have a common love for your son.

Answer 4

I think you are being too uptight. This is your mother-in-law, I don't think her intent is to harm your children. I'm assuming she raised her son, your husband, that same way and you married him.

This is just her way of discipline. I understand that you don't want strangers/friends/distant family hitting your children, but this is their grandmother. Not a stranger.

Unless, the children are being abused, not just lightly slapped on the hand. I don't think you should worry too much. If you are disciplining your children in the same manner, what is the different if there grandmother does it. It is actually teaching them to respect and listen to her, as they would their own mother or father.

Answer 5

I would go with your gut. If you can't trust her to respect your wishes right in front of you, she obviously doesn't understand how you feel. The next time she asks about the kids sleeping over, take her aside and remind her of your requests on physical discipline. And definitely say something if she smacks them again in front of you!

Answer 6

Should I allow my in-laws unsupervised time with my children?

I didn't even read any further than that statement. No you should not. The very reason that you ask that question means the answer is always no. There is obviously something in your mind that says this would not be a good idea, don't do it!

Answer 7

Your MIL is to quick to use spanking, when a distraction is enough. She can't possibly know a baby is going to run straight towards an electrical outlet and start playing wth it. There may have been one there on the wall, but is that where he was headed? Instead of smacking him, she needs to get outlet plugs and childproof her house, instead of punishing what she thinks are his intentions.

Answer 8

That is unnecessary. There's no reason for another person to look after one's kids - Unless there is an emergency. Kids should ALWAYS be supervised by the parents, unless the parents are in the hospital or in a similar situation where you cannot be with them. Anything can happen to kids. They are full of innocence and are not capable of defending themselves from anyone! We've all heard how children are being sexually abused by strangers, friends and even family members. No one can give a child better care than their own parents....
....Sorry, but i wouldnt even trust familiy memebers with my kids, specially if they often ask: ""when are you going to sleep over with us?"

Answer 9

While you might not agree wth the way your MIL hands out discipline, it doesn't sound like she is abusive. She is their grandmother and your husband's mother. If you won't let them stay there, at least let her know why you don't want them over there and maybe she'll understand.

Answer 10

Let your husband be the one to tell her that as parents, both of you aren't comfortable with the children being there because of the different styles of discipline you have. It's HIS mom, not yours, she will take it better from him.

Too many times when dealing with in-laws, if their child isn't the one to handle things, it just snow-balls and causes huge resentment, etc.

Good luck to you.