Has anyone ever asked for a present back?

Question

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding along with three other ladies. As part of our bridesmaid gift, the bride bought and presented each of us a very pretty satin wrap to go with our dresses which we paid for. A month after the wedding, the bride asked me (and only me) if she could have the wrap back if I was not going to use it because she has three dresses that would look nice with the wrap. I ignored her email until she asked me again in person whether she could take back her gift. I asked her if she asked anyone else for the wrap and she said no because the other ladies live out of town. I then told her it was a gift and I'm not giving it back. She then said "technically it wasn't a gift because she wanted us to wear it with our dresses and so it was a requirement to wear the wrap and therefore not really a gift."

So has anyone ever asked you to give back their gift? What was the gift and why?

She couldn't buy herself the wrap after the wedding because the store told her they had discontinued the item.

Answer 1

Before I answer your question, my opinion on your personal situation: I'd give Bridezilla her wrap back, because I personally would not want to keep something that inspires memories of such a shallow, clueless person; and as a wedding gift, I'd give her as many books on etiquette, manners and general courtesy as I could afford, plus a gift certificate for charm school or etiquette boot camp or whatever. Clearly this Bridezilla is in need of such help.

While I have never had anyone personally ask me to give back a gift they gave me, I do have a friend who was the recipient of such a request. She had been given a ceramic vase by an old friend. The friend's daughter found out about this and wanted the gift back because it was quite valuable. She made the case that her mom was not competent to give the gift. My friend felt otherwise, but decided to give the vase back in order to avoid some unpleasantness.

I think in general if someone gives you a gift, that should end it. However, I also think that if retaining the gift would cause hard feelings or embarassement, it should be returned if the giver asks for it back. However, I think it's also reasonable to re-evaluate the friendship or other relationship with the gift-giver if they ask for the return of the gift. IMO your bridezilla friend is crass and clueless, and I personally would have a real hard time staying friends with someone like this. If I were you, I'd go through the wedding since you bought the bridesmaids dress, give Bridezilla her wrap and her etiquette books, and politely distance myself from her thereafter.

Answer 2

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard on her part. I've never heard of a bride asking for a gift back. That is bad etiquette and she should have never given it to you even if to wear at the wedding. I'm glad that you are not giving it back. Because the other ladies do not have to give it back. It sounds to me that she is playing favorites. Because you live in town and the others don't. She is going to loose friends very quickly. Apparently she didn't think things through very clearly.

Answer 3

That's very rude of her. I'd keep the wrap and tell her about the great "dollar-a-yard" fabric at walmart. She can make a wrap to go with her three un-wedding related dresses.

If she's a good friend, don't let this come between you. She's probably not recovered from being the Bride, center of the Universe.

Answer 4

Wow, I can't believe that someone would do that, especially in this type of situation.
No, I have never had a gift requested back, but in a similar situation I would say no also [on principal]....HOWEVER is this an item that you will wear again? If not give it to her and let it go.
Is this a close friend?
Did you ask her why she just doesn't buy another for herself?
I think Miss Manners would agree that this is VERY poor etiquette.

Answer 5

Well if she said its technically not a gift, and you know the other three who also have the wrap, tell her that after you hear that they returned the wrap that wasn't a gift that you will return yours.

but I do agree with one of the answerers, that it would remind you of how shallow that person is and how rude she can be.

OR, you could always 'lose' it. :)

"you know, I did decide to give it back to you, but for the life of me I cannot find it" (throw it out).

or

if you have a pet, "I'll gladly give it back to you but my dog Fido really likes sleeping with it". Make sure there are poop and pee stains on it when you hand it to her.

OK seriously, that is rude to ask to return something that is obviously a gift, considering she isn't even asking the other three for it back, she's just being materialistic.

I'd personally throw it out.

Answer 6

it is traditional that a bride gives gifts to her bridesmaids, and the groom gifts gifts to his groomsmen as a token of a thank you for their time and for their costs involved to participate. I gave earrings and necklaces for my last marriage, while the groom gave mugs that were inscribed with each of their initials. Noone was REQUIRED to wear the necklaces or carry the beer mugs; they were a tradtional gift.

Given that this bride is being rude, selfish, and singling you out for this, I would offer her the shawl in exchange for her covering all of your costs to be a part of HER wedding. Send her an invoice for all of your costs so far in exchange for the shawl, then decline any participation in her wedding.

I know this is a small thing to ruin a friendship over, however she threw down the glove by making and insisting upon this appalling request. The principles of the matter are quite large.

edit: why don't you email her a link to this page that way she can see all of our opinions?

Answer 7

But technically it was a gift because she gave the shawl to all four bridesmaid. If it wasn't a gift and she only lent the shawl for you all to wear specifically on the wedding day then she should have stated clearly in the beginning that all FOUR shawls need to be returned to her after the wedding and not just single you out.

Answer 8

Well, that was a really ignorant and rude thing for your friend to do. No, it is not acceptable to ask for a gift back, unless you found out it was recalled, but then you would just want to "warn" the person, not insist she give it back!
No, I never had anyone ask me for my gift back. I would be upset if I were you. (but I would ignore the requests too) If she really wanted that wrap, she should have bought enough for all her bridesmaids and then one for herself. You are correct!

Answer 9

Wow! This seems exceptionally rude. Thankfully, I've never been asked for a gift back, although I've had the opportunity to share a gift with the person who gave it, or I've allowed someone to borrow a gift they purchased for me. I would be seriously offended if I were in your shoes (or shawl, as the case may be!).

Answer 10

" if i was not going to use it ". Well how does she know you are not going to use it ? By right, it does belong to you, as you stated you paid for this, and she should be aware of this. and she is showing you what a friend she is to you. Next time you get obligated to do something where you have to purchase items for it, make it very clear that it is not coming back. Take your losses, give it back to her, and learn a lesson from it. After that I would not get involved with anything else to do with this person. Take care.