My son, who's just 20 met a girl 5 months ago. When they met she was already 4 months pregnant Last month they told us that they were going to get married. we thought we handled it quite calmly, pointing out that it might be better to wait until after the baby was born, get a place together, and see how it went from there, bearing in mind that they'd only known each other for such a short time. Our son agreed that that was the sensible thing to do, and began to talk about a summer wedding.
However, they've just told us that they got married a week ago, without telling us. We are very hurt, especially as they spent the weekend with us when we had a celebratory meal and gifts as they were moving into their apartment. My son discussed the wedding plans and the part his younger brother and sister could play in the ceremony, when they were already married. I feel so much pain because of the deciet and lies. What should I do? I don't want to be selfish, but we are so hurt.
2007-02-15 04:30:05 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Although it hurts maybe he felt like he was burdening you with everything happening the way it was going. Or perhaps, love blinded him and he got swept up in the moment? Sometimes people just do things without thinking or knowing it might hurt others feelings. Though, we must remember he is an adult.
Maybe you could offer a second wedding after the baby is born, so you can show him your love, support, and be involved?
2007-02-15 04:43:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
People lie for 2 reasons; they're either afraid or they're 4 yrs. old.
You're son was afraid of your reaction of disapproval, therefore he behaved in a manner that was still pleasing to you & his family. So he hid his marriage.
Too, he doesn't understand that a parent has visions of their child's marriage (some to a GREAT & intruding extent) & that he cheated you out of this experience. He may not realize this until he's a parent. Which sounds like it isn't too far off.
Your son is rather immature for 20 (which comes with the territory). He likes this girl and wanted to be the honorable man & give her child a father.
When you stop to think about this, he's really quite the stand-up guy & you should be proud that you reared a son so manly & thoughtful.
On the other hand, he's young & can't see that anything he did might be wrong; that this is a GREAT responsibility that he's undertaken. Which, as his parents, will be partially your responsibility as well. He didn't think that far ahead.
But now you have to deal with "what's done is done". You're son is married and about to become a father to a child that isn't his. Now you have to step up and be a supportive parent, still giving subtle guidance, while at the same time watching him (them) make mistakes you KNOW can't end well.
Being a parent is a tough job; one I think you have & do take seriously. Too bad more aren't like you.
There is no simple solution to this. You need to sit them both down & calmly explain to them WHY you are so hurt. They need to be told. Then, you are going to have to put your hurt aside. And trust me, I know how hard that can be. Try to keep the lines of communication open & establish a good relationship with your DiL & son. Sending announcements & having a wedding reception & baby shower combo is a good place to start. Setting up a household is expensive enough let alone starting off with a baby as well. Allow friends & family help give them a start.
Good luck to you & your family.
2007-02-15 05:14:04 · answer #2 · answered by weddrev 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like you have two issues here. One being your mother and the other being finances. As far as your mother, I just can't imagine that putting her in a nursing home for a few days would be that big of a deal. If this is the main reason you're not attending, I think that's . . . wrong. As far as the finances, this is a COMPLETELY understandable issue. Advise your son that if he wants you there, you need help financially. If he is unable or unwilling to help, there is nothing you can do. However, if he is willing and able to make it financially possible for you, you should definitely be there for his big day (even if it is the 3rd time). As far as your son's selfishness, it really is uncalled for. I'm getting married in 6 weeks and can't imagine disowning someone who doesn't come to my wedding. Sure, my feels would be hurt but not to that extent. I agree that your situation and your son's behavior is unfair. As far as the fiance, do not speak to her about it. If she's going to be rude, you have no reason to discuss it with her. Your son has the right to be HURT, she has no right to have anger towards you for not being able to attend. Good luck.
2016-03-29 07:35:33 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ouch! I'm sure you are very hurt by this and so would I be. However, that being said, like other's have mentioned, it's already done and nothing can change that now. I'm sure their intent (and I'm sure you know this already as well) was not to hurt you, or anyone. Again, like previously stated, you and your husband were not in agreement with an immediate marriage and wanted them to wait. Although what you were suggesting to your son may have been the wiser, more logical choice, they chose otherwise, for whatever reason. Possibly they wanted to marry before the baby was born so they could start out as more of a "real" family (I don't mean that in any sort of condesending way either). It may have been the girlfriend's idea (MAY have been, I don't know) but even if it was, your son obviously cares enough to want the same thing as well. They probably didn't tell anyone first because they knew what the responses would be and they really just want to be together and start their family. They are young and passionate (and to their parents.....maybe, nieve and impulsive) but whatever the case, they are legally adults and can make their own choices. Best thing you can do now is support them. Maybe they can still have a small wedding of sorts in the summer, involving the younger siblings. You can let him know you were hurt (although I'm sure he knows you would be) but don't focus or dwell on it with him. I'm sure he already feels terrible but probably felt at the time that it was the route he had to take. Let him know that although you didn't necessarily agree with their timing on marriage, you hope he understands that you just love him and want the best for him and that you will always support him. Tell him you hope that in future, he can trust in your love and support of him enough to be honest with you even if he thinks you may not like or agree with whatever it may be. Once you've expressed your feelings to him, let it go and move on. Maybe host a celebratory dinner in their honour (just immediate family) to welcome his new wife to the family and show your love and support. I'm sure he would soooo appreciate the support and the gesture (and I'm sure his wife would too. She's probably feeling very nervious and insecure right now). You could maybe invite her parents as well depending on the relationship and situation. Your hurt is understandable, however, so are your son's actions. Forgive him and move on.
2007-02-15 05:14:58 · answer #4 · answered by Super-Mom9 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I could see how this would hurt and it's obvious that you didn't raise your son to be so deceitful Maybe he intends to have a wedding ceremony even though it's already legal in the eyes of the law.In any case you should explain to your son that this is upsetting to you and ask for an explanation about his deceitful ways.As far as you being selfish,absolutely not,this is your child and these are the moments us, as parents look forward too. Have your heart to heart talk with your son and once it's out in the open you both will be able to move forward and enjoy the newest member of the family.Congratulations to your son.
2007-02-15 06:00:03 · answer #5 · answered by Sidetracked0260 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It wasnt right for your son to go ahead and do that without telling you the truth. However there might be many reasons why he felt like he had too, either it be he might of felt like if he did tell you than you would of had only bad things to say and wouldnt of gave your blessings, pherhaps he felt that it would be best to get it over with without making it a big deal. You need to talk to your son about this and how it really made you upset and would of loved to be apart of it. Perhaps you could convince him and his wife to have a "party" and celerbrate their marriage with family and friends. And than you can help out and plan that and have a little celerbration for them.
I am sure your son was just having mixed feelings and did what he thought was best even though it might of been wrong. You need to talk to him and try to get things patched up.
2007-02-15 06:27:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your son and his fiance are still having a wedding. There are lots of people who officially wed before a judge, then have a wedding later.
You weren't happy and enthusiastic for their marriage when they first told you about it, and you asked them to wait. It makes sense that they wouldn't tell you about the official marriage, then, since they knew you would respond negatively.
In short, and as harsh at it sounds, you should not be hurt by this. Your son is a grown man now, and he doesn't need to discuss his plans with his parents at all. And if you weren't completely behind the marriage in the first place, it is very understandable that you were lied to.
2007-02-15 04:37:13 · answer #7 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I would be more upset that my son married someone he met only 5 months ago who is also four months pregnant then the fact he did not tell me.
He did that on purpose because he KNOWS that you deep down do not agree with getting married so soon to someone he barely knows.
I would be very upset in your position.
2007-02-15 05:24:04 · answer #8 · answered by Terri 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Eee...I just got married Friday and haven't told my Mom or Dad. I'm 26. My now hubby proposed in front of them to me and we have ths huge religious ceremony planned (which my parents are BIG ON) but we got really excited and just made it legal on paper!!! If they knew they would be upset we jumped the gun before the religious ceremony. I am going to tell them soon though. They knew we got our marriage license last week...
I say just try to be there for him and be supportive. You son seems very young and it's only a new relationship (me and J have been together 3 years) but just try to be there for him.
2007-02-15 04:34:44 · answer #9 · answered by Mimi 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have every reason to be hurt. Mums feel that way when our kids dont do things the proper way. DONT DO ANYTHING. There is nothing you can do. What is done is done. It was their choice and God gave them free will. As a Mum myself and had gone thru this, just let it pass. Now you can plan a nice baby shower instead.
2007-02-15 04:39:19 · answer #10 · answered by Mum to 2 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋