This is a tough one...?

Question

Ok...my step sister is pregnant. She's 19 (but a very immature 19) and very irresponsible. It's too long of a story to tell, but she's been staying out until all hours of the night (and drinking according to her friends), is smoking up a storm, and has uncontrollable anger issues. Her mom is very concerned about her behavior, but does not confront her due to my step-sister's explosive temper. Her mom has asked me to speak to her about it, but I'm afraid she will think I'm a "know-it-all," and ultimately cut me out of her (and her baby's) life.

It's gotten so serious that my husband and I have actually discussed adopting the baby if she can not raise him. We are very worried about her and the baby.

Anyway, I plan on honoring my step-mom's wishes and speaking to my step-sister tonight. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can gently tell her she needs to get some responsibility and get her act together?

Answer 1

Put talking to her off for a couple of nights and see if you can talk to someone in planned Parenthood first and they will probably give you better advise.

Remember you are not just talking to someone with serious anger issues, but to someone who is pregnant on top of that.
Pregnant women are super sensitive and go crazy sometimes and if this person already has major problems, so you can imagine what will happen if you confront her.

If she is pregnant and is drinking and smoking heavily the baby will definately have serious health issues, so if it is not too late please see if you can get her to have an abortion. I am sorry to say this but I really do not see a bright future or any kind of future for an innocent child who has a mom such as your step sister.

Answer 2

Be a sister. I have a sister that was the same way. Everyone parents different and I know you wants what is best for the both of them. If you tell her you want to adopt her baby she will run far from all of you. Listen to her she may be just as scared as you and your family is. Give her the chance to talk and really listen. Offer any help that she needs let her know you will take care of the baby and her. She may surprise you. Having a baby often helps people grow up. Show her the support she needs and probably is looking for with judgment.

Have you ever wondered why she has the temper and the attitude she portrays. Walk in her shoes or at least try and see if from her point of view.

By telling her she needs responsibility and to get her act together will only piss her off. She will feel you are not in her corner. Choose your words carefully before you approach this situation. Good Luck

Answer 3

well, ask her about her plans, whether she cares if she will have a sick baby or not, because ultimately she will have to put up with all the intense crying and tempers. Being a parent is not an easy job, and being reckless when pregnant makes it so much worse. In al fairness, she's got deeper issues. You need to address those issues if you want to get anywhere with her. She probably needs therapy. Nobody is rebellious because they like it. Explain to her that rebelliousness, in the end, hurts her more than anybody else. She needs to begin to love herself enough to stop doing things like that. And not in the least, but pretty important is that you address the situation not the person. Use positive action words rather than negative repressive words. Such as, instead of "don't do that" you have to say, "stop doing that", and suggest replacement for her negative behaviour with a constructive one.
Challenge her without overwhelming her. Be her friend, let her know that you will love her even if she continues to behave badly, but that you hurt to see her like this. If you do all these, and she still follows her own destructive path, try to be on stand by to offer help when she hits bottom. By all means, do not abandon her. Time has a way of taking care of things. It's better to work one issue at the time than to change drastically and fall back into it. Also, don't take it personally if she disregards your advice, after all she is her own person. There's other measure that can be taken when time comes to do that. Do no harm.

Answer 4

She seems to have the same problem as my sister (except with the pregnancy part). It's obvious that she needs anger management. But first you have to find something import to her in her live, I'm sure right now is the baby she's carrying. I know it sounds cruel, but it's something that she'll loose if she doesn't grow up quickly and build some responsibility. Pull her aside, explain to her how much you love her et all. Explain to her how wonderful is to have a child and that's a gift of God to her (if she is religious). Tell her how horrible it would be if during one of her attacks of anger she hurt the child or the long term effects of smoking on the child (like Asama and even pulmonary cancer). Not only that, but also the effects on the family (including you). Let her know that you'll be there for her and at her side if she needs help (you do want to help her, right?). Be on her side and don't punish her during this talk, let her make her decision and be a good influence. To keep her out of the late nights, try to involve her in activities with you and your husband, it may be difficult, but until she sees the better side of life it would help. I'm sure these "friends" are being the influence on her at the moment. It's not going to be an overnight change. Over time, see if you can get her to some counseling, go with her if she needs companionship. I'm not a professional in this field of pschology, but this helped allot with my sister. Best Wishes!

Answer 5

I know this story all too well as this problem runs a lot in my family and friends.

My best advice would be to ask her how she feels about having the baby. Let her know that with all her partying that it could result in a irregular pregnancy. That the baby could be born with birth defects or cause death. Although, sadly if she isn't interested in the baby she will continue to do what she wants and there won't be anything you can do about it. Try offering to help her out with the pregnancy by driving her about and showing her support. As she gets farther along in the pregnancy her hormones will kick in and she might flip around. Give her space but give her things to think about too like how this will effect her and her child's life. Put her in the baby's shoes and if that was her mom doing the partying...Remind her that it's only 9 months out of her life and that she still has plenty of time to party after wards. Maybe if you got her a present for the baby it will make the experience more real or try taking her to a pregnancy class.

All n' all only time will tell how she will do with the pregnancy. My sister-in-law smoked through her whole pregnancy and now complains she wants to party and have nothing to do with her baby. And then my good friend's sister who did drugs and partied her whole pregnancy ended up being a completely devoted mother.

Answer 6

Well, I think a lot of girls go through something similar to this at that age and if I were your step-sister, I would not listen to anything you say. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just know I was young and stupid and very rebellious (and she sounds a bit like me at that age, minus being pregnant). She will have a wake-up call one day and she will realize it on her own. There really isn't a whole lot that you can do to help, as much as you want to. I had that wake up call, long before becoming a mom but after I had my son, my whole world changed forever. Maybe this will happen to her? If you are going to talk to her, make it about the drinking issue. Let her know the effects it can have on a baby but do it in a KIND way and don't let her feel as though you are lecturing her.

Answer 7

Tell her that you care too much about her to see her hurt herself or the baby. Tell her that you're available for support, and even to help raise the baby, but you need her to take care of the baby at least until the baby is born, because she is the only person who can right now.
I think that if you show her that you're supportive, she will be more open to listening. I know that when I try to talk to my little sister about something very important, the best way to do it is to try your best not to attack her. She won't think you're a "know it all" if you are just trying to show her you care.
I hope things work out. I'll keep your step sister and her baby in my prayers!

Answer 8

*OUCH!* That's a SUPER touchy one - no one wants to be told what to do and what not to do....but unfortunatly for her, she's not the only one right now, she's two. And what she is doing to that poor baby is really sad. So I supposed she didn't want to get pregnant? She might be trying to miscarriage by doing all of these things. What a sad situation. Well, this is what I would do, talk to her on her level, if you sound "know-it-ally" she will turn from you. Talk to her really gently about how she feels about the pregnancy first. Ask about her plans. Then bring in how badly you can hurt your baby with drinking, smoking...etc. My friend worked at a bar and what happened to her is worse.....her baby is severly retarded becasue she drank and smoke so much. It hurts not only her own life, but the life of her unborn baby. Just be her friend, she's probably scared right now - that's tough news to handle at 19. I wish you the best of luck with this, remember, ease into it, don't just say "ya know, i've heard you've been drinkgin ablot...do you want to hurt your baby?!" Try somehting like....."Babies are so precious...are you excited? Do you want a girl or a boy? what are your plans? These questions will make her feel like she's got a friend to confide in, not someone judging her or her actions. Best of luck!!!

Answer 9

I would start off asking her what her plans are for her baby, what her concerns are... Then lead into well I've heard "not saying its true, but I've heard" that you have been out drinking and smoking, and let her know that those types of things can lead to some serious medical problems for the baby and her. Maybe have some stuff printed off that she can read about the affects that these things have on an unborn child. Try not to attack her with words and get her in defense mode, just say your talking to her about these things because you care, and want the best for her and the baby.

Answer 10

Just tell her that she needs to straighten up and get her act together for her sake and the baby's sake. Let her know you and the rest of the family are afraid she's not living up to her full potential as a great human being! Let her know you're here to help and talk things through if she needs it, but also she needs to show a little intelligence on her part and straighten up for the sake of a happier life for her family.

Sometimes those people need to here it as blunt as possible...and when it comes down to it, if she has this baby and is not raising it with intelligence, you CAN take it to a court situation and gain adoption of the baby.