How much does your husband/partner help in raising your kids?

Question

I do not want anyone to attack my husband or say I need to leave him or anything of that sort, I am looking to other women for their input on what their husband does or doesnt do as a comparison.. my husband works alot (65 hours a week) I work 25 hours per week. Our son is 20 months old & I feel like I do everything. He does come home & talk to him for a few minutes & then later he will play with him for a little bit but like on his days off he will go & do stuff (never with son or me) & he never offers to take him anywhere or do stuff with him outside of the house. yesterday he was off all day & my son still had to go to grandpa's because my hubby was busy building stuff in garage, he never feeds him, bathes him, he will change diapers here & there but not alot. I think as a mother I take it personal that he doesnt yearn to be with his son like I do, when I get off work I cant wait to go get him to be with him, but my hubby will opt to stop somewhere or go do something..it angers me

I told him last night that I feel like we burden him and that he would rather be doing other things and he said he could not believe that I think that and then I said what else would I think when you always CHOOSE to do something other than spend your time with your son, then he completely clammed up and would not talk period. So of course we went to bed not speaking, well he actually slept on the couch.. but nothing will change this isnt the 1st time I have asked him or told him how I felt.

Answer 1

My husband use to work that much and would spend a lot time with our children. You have to make him. I would say to him, do you want to give the baby a bath or clean up the kitchen, do you want to deal with the laundry or put the baby to bed etc. You need to talk to him about it first and then change how you deal with it. Mothers are naturally bonded to our children, fathers are not, sometimes they need a little push.

Answer 2

My hubby also works 65-75 hours a week. I am very lucky with him. When he gets home his first attention goes to our girls (I have a 3yr old and a 4 month old). He does change diapers and since our 4 month old was born he takes turns with me about who gets up with her for feeding. The only thing he doesn't do is bathe the girls. He thinks its "weird" for a daddy to do. I think its an excuse lol.
But in my opinion being a parent is a fulltime job for the both of you. Not one of you made your son alone, so you shouldn't be stuck with the workload for him alone. Tell him you are overwhelmed and need some alone time, You aren't Superwoman and you need help. If he can't understand that then somethings wrong, Even if he watches the son for an hour or two on his day off would be helpful. You don't expect him to change overnight! Hope this was helpful, good luck hun!

Answer 3

I am so glad you asked this question..I am in the same boat with you here. I have an 8 week old daughter and and 11 year old son, and my hubby doesn't help much. He works 40 hours a week and goes to meetings often after work (3 days a week)...He will come home, get on the computer, take a shower, etc. and then he's pretty much out the door again. I stay at home and clean daily, do laundry, wash dishes, etc...I feel run down and tired alot of the time. He acts like my son is a burdon (not his natural child) and he spend very little time with the new baby and then will put her in her swing...I am soooo irritated!!

This week my son is gone on a school trip (Tues-Fri) and every night my hubby has left & or has plans, I am so angered!! I want him to help more with the baby, and you would think that since we have time without the older child, he'd be home...but NO...

I am also open to suggestions on this one. I am so angered that I can't even talk to him. He knows something is bothering me and can't seem to figure it out...

Men tend to think that all they have to do is work, and not participate the way we want them to...It's a learned behavior and expecting change is useless (in my opinion)....

Good Luck to you on this one..

Answer 4

I'm in the same situation. My husband works about 70 hours a week, has never given our daughter a bath, doesn't feed her or put her to bed. He doesn't play with her, or anything. I have to actually say something to him just so he pays attention to her. I know it's hard on him to not be here, but my question to him is always, "What would be different if you actually were?"...I am bitter, persay, about the whole thing. I feel that if he only worked 40 hrs a week, nothing would be different. I love my husband, very much, but yes it is an issue for us. I'm a stay at home mom, so I see her much more than he does, but no he doesn't make any effort to really spend time with her. I think its the old world thinking of, "The man makes the money, the woman raises the children." Alot of men have this way of thinking. Unfortunately, they'll never know the wonderful things they're missing. I've even gone as far as taking thousands of pictures and hours of video for my husband to be involved in the slightest amount, and it still makes no difference.

Answer 5

My husband and I both work 40 hours a week. I go to work earlier than my husband and get off earlier. My husband wakes my son up and brings him to daycare. I pick our son up. When my husband gets home, he plays with our son and helps get him ready for dinner while I put it on the table. We share bathing duties, sometimes I do it, sometimes he does it. Both share diaper duty and we both share bedtime duties...sometimes he does it, sometimes I do it.

My husband occasionally gets a day off I don't...we still send our son to daycare, not because we don't want to spend the time with him, but because we still have to pay for it and he enjoys sociallizing with the other kids.

When we go out with our friends/family and bring our son..he helps, but honestly not as much as I'd like. When we go do something, he tends to stick me with more of the baby duties....I'm trying to work on that with him, but so far...it's still a battle.

i think you are on the right track having a discussion with your husband, maybe he's had some time to think about things and will be willing to talk about it openly soon. Just make sure it's a discussion and not a yelling match or a shame, shame type of thing. I'd give him a day or two to absorb what you talked about last night and then tell him you'd really like to finish the discussion and hear what he has to say. Raising a child is hard, my son is 15months old, but I know how stressful the first 6 or so were for us.

Answer 6

My husband works around 48-50 hours a week and goes to college full time at night and I'm a sahm. He plays with the kids and spends time with them when he isn't busy studying or working and he if has a day off he tries to spend extra time with them. Sometimes he would rather be with his friends and I try to understand that because I know he's doing his best and he's an excellent father. Some fathers like spending time with their kids more then others do. Maybe it's because your son is so young and when he gets older your husband will want to spend more time with him. Best of luck.

Answer 7

I can understand where your coming from.
If this is your first child then chances are you may have to couch him in playing he's roll as a father. You would be surprised on how many women have to push and couch their husbands in playing their roll as a father.

My daughter's doctor told me the best way to start is by getting him to read a story to your baby before bedtime. I did that and it went from just reading a story to giving her a bath and getting up with her and helping around the house. I can say it's like a dream come true.

So just start on something small and if it comes to where you have to push him then just tell him that your son is only little once and this is the best age for him to spend time with him because once he gets up to his teens he's going to be out with friends more than being at home.

Answer 8

As a father, with two children, I am often bothered by the assumption that my wife does everything. If I take the children to the park, or the mall by myself people think that I am giving my wife a "break" or that it must be hard for me to do.

I give them most of their baths; I take the two children places by myself. Now that my wife has gone back to work (for about 5 weeks now), I am the one who has taken time off to care for sick children, to take them to appointments and when their day care is closed. Once my wife has accumulated some time off, this may change.

I am the primary earner. At my regular job, I earn over twice what my wife does and I also teach two evenings a week at a community college. I make time for my children. I feed them, dress and change them and do house work too.

I am not intentionally complaining or bragging, so I am sorry if it sounds that way. Just remember that there are fathers who shoulder much more than we ever get credit for.

Answer 9

I think you have a right to feel some anger. Granted, we all have different attitudes when it comes to raising children, but clearly, your husband is no putting in his share. Have you talked to him about it?

I have to say that I am very lucky in that I have a husband who, the minute he comes home from work, will take one if not all of the kids and help me with them. He knows I stay home all day and it's not always a picnic, so he does whatever he can to alleviate the stress.

Talk to your husband. Tell him your feelings. If he doesn't see your point of view, then you'll have the choice of either accepting it or to keep pushing. It's best if you can come to some solution, but be prepared for it not to be completely 50/50. Good luck to you!

Answer 10

You really need to talk to him about it without throwing it up in his face, he will shut down and this problem will not be solved. I would tell him, I understand you work alot, but your role in this house just isnt being fulfilled. You have responsilibites with this family beyond work. You will miss out on so much, if you do not begin to participate with us more. Ask him if you can negotiate times for personal projects equally, you can go do something for a couple of hours and he can for a couples of hours a week. Your son should be #1 in both of your lives. Communication is key.