Gay parenting!?

Question

I am an older man whose wife commited suicide when I was forty. I am now fifty. When my wife died I was left with 5 boys ages 12 10 8 6,6 I met a man and fell in love we live together now and my kids are coming to terms with it all. My partner is now starting to make decisions as to how to parent my 16 and 18 year olds. They are strugling with this as is normal I am sure, is the any suggestions as to how I can help make it easier on all of them? (please dont say dont be gay)

Answer 1

James...just be HONEST with them! LOve is the key to everything in life! Respect your children by allowing them to be a part of your life....which they are. You are the example gay or straight it does not matter. Children just need to know that their parents are them selves in good, loving adult relationships! Gay children are born to straight parents, and straight parent households give birth to gay children! Make it fun go out for pizza and just be your self! Good luck with the NEW family guy!

Answer 2

If you and your partner are now a couple then you must parent as a couple.Discuss with your partner how you feel how issues should be handled and allow input from your partner.I don't believe people choose to become gay.Perhaps you could have a family night where everyone could have an open discussion on feelings and concerns.Maybe you could set up a box where each member could submit a topic and then it could be discussed at the next meeting. Your children will need to be reassured that you will always be there for them.They experienced the trauma of their mother's death . They will have had to learn to adapt a lot of things.I don't think your children would want you to be alone, they just need to know you are there.Every family experiences issues that cause them stress so you are not alone.Just do your best as a parent each day.

Answer 3

You might start by sitting in on his decisions, as it should be a mutual thing, and then go to the kids together and work out whatever problems there are.... as they are still YOUR children... And also the 2 are old enough.. so have the two oldest meet with you and your partner, and have a serious discussion about how they are feeling and how they want to handle it... be open and honest and let them do the same.... if they won;t accept it, as they may not, then I am sure sometype of mutual agreement can be made.... you might even try a guys night out with the 4 of you... (just no pda at first.. this might embarrass them and that would ruin any progress).... And if they refuse to have any [part of the relationship between you and your guy, then let thme know that your feeling are in fact hurt, and although you do understand, you just want them to accept what is and what will be, and you want them to jsut be happy for you... I am sure it is a difficult situation for all of you, but I am sure you will figure something out...


BTW.. sorry about your wife.... I am sure that was harder than what this is now....


I might also recommend counseling for all of you... You might jsut find out that that the real issue behind everything is the death of their mother, and feelings of abandonment, and they need to vent in a way to relieve that, and it may not be so much your new found sexual orientation...... it may jsut be that seeing as how they lost their mom, they feel like this man is gonna take you away from them or try to come between all of you.....

Answer 4

Look at it from your boys point of view. First their mom commit's suicide. What kind of person does that? They must have been crazy or had a terrible life. (I personally don't believe this, but that is what society tells them, or the television, or their friends, classmates, etc.) So the boys are already feeling a lost or a void because I'm sure they miss their mom, on top of that they have to deal with the manner in which she died. Things might be going a little better and now dad wants to date again. This is hard because whoever dad dates can never be mom and they probably feel betrayed that you are "cheating on mom" or trying to move on...only this is different, she is a he. Society also tells us this is wrong (again I am not juding I am trying to think how the boys might think). So now they probably feel that everything about their family is wrong.

There is nothing you can do to make them understand. The heart wants what the heart wants, but it's not something that a child can easily understand. I would suggest not pressuring them to accept it. Yes they need to be respectful of you and your partner, but don't force it on them. Don't make them call him dad, etc. Another thing, you might want to hold off of him making decisions on parenting. If it's something that you too discuss then cool, but you need to present it to your boys. If you tell them that the two of you think or the two of you want them to do whatever the rule is, they will probably resist, just to rebel against him. Ask your son's to respect him, but also ask him to respect your son's and respect their space. At least until they can cope with the situation better. I personally would feel very uncomfortable and time is probably the only thing that will help them cope.

Also if you can afford counseling def. get them someone they can talk to. If you can't afford it, then maybe a church or a hotlline, but I'm sure they have a lot of things they want to get off of their chest, but can't express to you right now.

Answer 5

What "Parenting" is your parnter looking to do with a 16 year old and an 18 year old? First of all the 18 year old is an adult and is beyond "parenting" at thei point. The 16 year old isn't far behind the 18 year old. His values/morals and behavior is pretty well set. Actual "parenting" comes into play when children are much younger when you set down rules of conduct and behavior, not at 16 and 18 when those rules have long been established and they are getting ready to be out on their own. There is nothing you or anyone can do to make this easier on everyone. You just have to take it one day at a time and pray if you believe in prayer.

Answer 6

I think that he should just make suggestions to you. You are their parent, not him. You should make sure that your partner understands that these children are older and don't need as much parenting now. It would be in everyone's interest if you kept doing the parenting and he, respectively keeps out of most of it. The younger ones will in time come to respect his authority and he may be able to do some parenting with them. But the two older one's, it is kind of late. He should just be there for them when needed or asked.
I wish you the best!

Answer 7

I think you should treat this like any other step-parent situation. It is going to be difficult on them to have to accept another role model into their lives, and being so old, they may just rebel against it anyways.

If you are finding that your partner is being a little too disciplinarian and the kids are not accepting it, have a family meeting. Discuss some of the issues that they are facing and ways to resolve them. It is a great way to remove the "elephant" from the room.

Answer 8

I don't think this is a "gay" issue - I think this is just a step-parent issue, and wouldn't be very different if you had married another woman after your wife died. You and your partner have to be like any two parents - you have to present a united front, even if you disagree privately. You must support each other in your decisions; you must both be willing to listen to your sons, and to let them have their say. Once a decision is made (by either parent), you have to be firm with your sons and let them know that you expect the decision to be obeyed.

Answer 9

I would think the boys would struggle with anyone else making decisions about the way they are parented, regardless of gender.
They have had a rough journey for a while and some rebellion is to be expected.
You have given them love and consistency, keep doing it, they will come round eventually.

Answer 10

Its not about being gay. You have to look at like its just a step parent issue. and in that case you two are a team and need to be together on parenting. Stick by eachothers decisions and dont undermine eachother.