how can we make our marriage life happy?

Question

after having our first baby we both started hating each other but we both love our baby a lot.

Answer 1

Patiently read this. "It may help some." Thanks
*What in the world is the difference between loving a person, and being attached to them? Love is the sincere wish, for others to be happy and to be free from suffering. Having realistically realized other’s kindness, as well as their faults, Love is Always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have no ulterior intensions or motives to fulfill our own self-interests; or to fulfill our own desires, we love others, all people, simply because they exist. Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others’ good qualities, and makes us crave to be with them. When we’re with them, we are happy, but when we’re separated from them, we’re miserable. Attachments are always linked with expectations of what others should be, or what they should do for us. Is love, as it is understood in most societies, really love OR attachment ? Let us examine this a little more. Generally speaking, we are attracted {drawn to) people because they have qualities we value, or because they help us in some way. If we carefully observe, through introspection, our own thought processes we’ll notice that we very often look for specific qualities in others. Some of these qualities we are drawn to are qualities within our parents, or qualities which society values.
We examine someone’s looks, education, social status, financial status, and so forth. This is how Most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value, or not. In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they praise us, encourage us, help us, if they listen to what we have to say, if they make us feel secure, if they take care of us when were sick, unhappy or depressed, we consider them good, or sometimes righteous people, and these are the people we more drawn to, whom we are most likely attracted to, and the people we choose to be around with.
In all honesty, this is very biased, for we are judging them, only in terms of how they relate to us, as if we are the most important person in the world & thinking the world revolves around us! After we’ve judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them, it appears to us as if goodness is radiating out from within them, but as we are more mindfully aware, we realize that we have projected this goodness on to them.
Desiring to be the people who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo’s, when we’re with these people, we’re up, but when we’re not with them, we’re down. Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with these people will be, and thus have expectations of them. “When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we’re unhappy, disappointed or may even become angry. We want them to change so that they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from other people. Our problems arise not because others aren’t who we thought they were, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they were not. We often use a type of Checklist also. Checklist: “I Love You IF ___________ !” This Love is Conditional and what we call love, is most often attachment. It is actually an attitude which overestimates the qualities of another person.
’Then we cling tightly to that person, thinking our peace and happiness depends on that person. We even often blame that person for our unhappiness.’ Love, on the other hand, is a very patient, calm, optimistic and relaxed attitude. We want others to be free from suffering and to be happy simply because they exist. While attachments are uncontrolled, and too emotionally sentimental, Love is Patient, powerful, and controlled(disciplined). Attachment obscures our judgment {our ability to make sound, wise decisions), and we become impatient, angry, and impartial – helping our dear ones, and those who do us no harm. Love clarifies our mind, & we access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on selfishness, while love is founded on valuing, & cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to us. Love always looks beyond all the superficial appearances and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want peace of mind, happiness, and wish to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, or unintelligent people we most often feel repulsed, because our selfish minds want to find attractive, intelligent, and talented people. On the other hand, Love never evaluates others by theses superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others appearances, they’re experiences are they same as ours: they want inner mental peace, happiness, and wish to be from suffering. When we’re attached, we’re not mentally, emotionally, & spiritually free. For we overly depend on, and cling to another person, to fulfill our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. We fear losing the person, fearing that we’d be incomplete without them.” This does Not mean that we should suppress all our emotional needs, or become aloof, and totally independent, for that too would not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs and slowly, gently and patiently – seek to eliminate them. If we try to suppress them, pretending they do not exist, we become insecure, anxious, or possibly depressed. In this case, we do our best to fulfill our needs, while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them. The core problem is that most of us seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others, rather than to understand them. Our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfish obscuring of our own minds. We develop confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a Selfless human being, having many magnificent qualities, then we’ll develop and have an accurate perception of ourselves, gaining self-confidence. We’ll seek to increase true unconditional love, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience, as well as generosity, right concentration and wisdom. Under the influence of attachment, we’re bound by our unstable emotional reactions to others. When they’re nice to us, we’re happy, but when they ignore us or speak sharply to us, we take it personally, and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn’t mean we become hard-hearted, rather without attachments, there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine affection and impartial love for them. And as a result, we’ll be more actively involved with them. As we learn to transform our minds & lives, through subduing our attachments, we can definitely have successful friendships, and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer, more meaningful because of the freedom and respect the relationships are based on. We’ll really care about the happiness and misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same inside: we all want inner peace of mind, Happiness, and to be from suffering.
However, of course, our lifestyles and interests may be a bit more compatible with some people. Our friendships and our personal relationships will be based on mutual interests, and to help other people. Having such an attitude, we’ll be much More Patient, & tolerant toward others; will remain mentally calm, having Peace of Mind and Happiness, and we’ll communicate successfully with others in life.*

Answer 2

Communication is important, also setting aside time for eachother. Invite someone over that she loves and trusts, a good friend or sibling, and surprise her with a day together, or a nice car ride, so you two can spend some quality time together away from the baby. When she is stressed out, then cater to her without saying a word, cook dinner, make sure she has what she needs. Keep it short and simple, don't let it turn into an argument, just reassure her to sit and relax, your taking care of things. Notes are a great thing, my husband and I use dry erase markers on the mirrors to leave notes to one another. Depending on the mood we are in they can range from goofy to very heart felt. Post it's are great too. Also, scavenger hunts are great, pop some cards or post it's around the house with riddles for her to figure out where the next one is and at the end leave a letter of why you love her so much and married her, or a gift that would mean something to her. Massage oil with a note saying this buys you a half hour foot massage.

If she is spending a lot of time with the baby with little to no breaks then start taking over for her. Start getting her to trust you with the baby. Otherwise some woman start resenting their husbands because no matter how even it is, they feel like they are doing all the work and the husbands are doing nothing. Even if the husband is outside the home working a full time job. Also another idea is if she has female friends or family surprise her on a day with a girls day out. Let her pamper herself with her friends with no worries. Woman who have babies often forget to pamper themselves and start feeling down about themselves, a day of pampering can also brighten her spirits. Just some suggestions. Good luck.

Answer 3

You can learn to make your own life happy. Work on it. Begin by learning to love yourself, to accept yourself as you are, without judgment. After all, if you can't love yourself, who else can love you? Learning to love yourself is probably the most important thing anyone can do with their life. Now, it is important to understand what you want. If you want love in your life, consider all the great and wonderful things about your spouse that attracted you in the first place...and continue to exist in your spouse. Ask your spouse to list all the attractive things about you. Go over them and spend some time together talking about the good times you had before marriage and before the baby was born. Spend lots of time loving and hugging and touching the baby. This is most important. And if you can spend some time hugging and loving your spouse, that might help also. But first, learn to love yourself. The rest will come naturally.

Answer 4

Does your spouse complain about your weight or how you look? Is money tight? Has your social life dwindled? It wasn't the baby that made you hate each other, that should bring you closer together. What changed in the rest of your life that wasn't their before? Whether we come out and say it or not, there could be some disappointment or resentment to that change, and it comes out as nitpicking or attitudes that escalate past the cause of the discourse. Sometimes being honest about it and talking about it is good to get it out in the open.

Answer 5

children have a way of taking over.It is obvious both of you are neglecting the other, that may be building resentment. Try going out on a date and leaving the baby with someone reliable.
If you cant stand each other, get a lover.

Answer 6

Have Sex. Spend more time with each other. Maybe take a little vacation. Just try to keep putting more time with your family. If not, go out and have some fun.

Answer 7

the biggest mistake of a couple is when they have the baby the switch their role from being lover to being mother/father. all energies are focus to the little one and forgets the partner. to make the marriage work, keep being a lover to your partner and be a loving parent to your child/children at the same time!

Answer 8

lots of stuff and stress with a new kid, idk if it ever gets easier or you just get better. deal with your issues and keep your life in order, people are 89% happier when they are doing well and successful at whatever it is they do.

Answer 9

do things he likes,say nice things and most important ofall,pray together evryday.God will bring u both together again.

Answer 10

have a threesome