Coping methods for military families. (On coming home)?

Question

By the time my husband comes home he will have been gone for 18 months. He hasn't really spent much time with his son 18 months old son since he was eight months old. I don't want to put to much on him to soon or to make him feel like I don't need him around the house because I have become pretty independent. What are some tips or pointers on getting assimilated back into the family life so we don't drive each other crazy lol. How do I revitalized the relationship between him and his son?

Answer 1

I'm SO happy for you that your husband is coming home! Great news! Coming home is so great, but then the fighting begins- for me, anyways. My husband was a platoon sgt so he was used to barking orders. Barking orders at home didn't work. And like you, I didn't need him at home and he didn't know how to handle that. One big thing for me was not to ask detailed questions. My husband was infantry and while I wanted to know what happened, he didn't want to talk about it. I had to respect that and bite my tongue- which is so hard. Everyone overthere has seen so much and all will deal with it differently.
You can do this! The toughest job is being the military wife. You've made it thru a deployment with a baby, you can do anything!


Here's some helpful information

http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/familymatters/reunion.htm
(there's a chart here: Feelings and Behaviours that Affect the Family's Adjustment to Parent Absence: POST-DEPLOYMENT)
The Long awaited Homecoming and the readjustment period

This page discusses some of what you can expect during the final stage of deployment. You may find yourself having the ups and downs starting a few weeks prior to the member's return. The adjustment period also lasts about 6 to 8 weeks, possibly longer. Most military families find that reunions are more stressful than the separation. This is true with all military members: couples with children, single parents, and single soldiers who are coming back to friends and family.
The Five Phases of Reunion
1. PRE-ENTRY is the first few days before your reunion. You're working long hours to ensure equipment has been turned in and that your work is caught up before arriving home. Things to expect in this phase are:

Fantasies
Excitement
Work
Planning
Thoughts


2. REUNION is the immediate meeting and the first few days after your arrival. This is the time of courtship, relearning, intimacy, and a happy time or honeymoon. This is not the time to address problems. It is a time for understanding. Things to expect in this phase are:

Physical changes
Courting again
Social events
Immediate excitement
Pride in each other
Intimacy and sex
Tiredness - readiness for relaxation
Inclusion of children
Allowing time and space


3. DISRUPTION as problems surface, expectations of a Normal Family Life go down. This is the time the problems come up. If there was a good reunion, these problems will eloquently or diplomatically surface. Things to expect in this phase are:

Independence
Differences
Routine
Finances
Control
Thoughts
Trust
Jealousy
Hard times stories
Gifts
Decision making
Unresolved problems/issues
Children issues (Issues/Changes/Growth)


4. COMMUNICATION is a time of renegotiating new routines, reconnecting, redefining family roles, acceptance of control and decision making. New rules will be established. Things to expect in this phase are:

Renegotiation
Trust
Reconnection
Acceptance
Explaination of new rules


5. NORMAL - Back to the normal family routine of sharing, growing, and experiencing the ups and downs, happiness and sadness of a family. Things to expect in this phase are:

Establishment of Routines
Acceptance of change
Personal growth

Reducing Homecoming Strain
Things the Service Member Should Remember:

Re-enter slowly, Don't disturb a family set-up that has been working without you.
Expect changes in both your spouse and your kids. (You have changed some, too!) Adapt accordingly, remembering that most of the changes mean growth and maturity. If some of the changes are negative, be patient; you and your family will have plenty of time to bring things back around to a position of comfort.
Spend maximum time with the family. If possible, postpone reunions with relatives and friends until near normal routines have been established at home.
Don't try to alter the financial affairs. Chances are your spouse has been handling them fine.
Take it easy on the kids, especially where discipline is concerned. Don't barge in as the "heavy."
Expect that sex may be awkward between you and your spouse at first. Talk it over.
Things the Spouse Should Remember:

Expect changes; both of you have experienced a great deal.
Remember the service member has been subject to daily regimentation and routine and may rebel against schedules and pre-planned events. Leave some room for spontaneity.
Drive for a while. It may have been a time since he/she has driven.
The service member may want to celebrate the return with a spending spree. If you can't afford it, hold tight to the purse strings. The urge to spend will pass.
Expect the service member to be surprised or hurt that you've coped so well alone. You can reassure him or her that he or she is loved and needed without giving up your own independence.

What to Expect When Your Spouse Returns:

All family members must realize that people change. We notice these changes more after a period of long absence.

Expect some anger and insecurity along with love and happiness. These feelings need to be expressed.
Expect your spouse to be different. If he/she is not, fine. If they have changed, you're prepared. This goes for BOTH of you.
Expect your spouse to be a little hurt that you have managed so well without him/her. They will need reassurance you still need them.
Expect your spouse to want to be "babied" by you.
Expect that it will be about six weeks to adjust to each other again. If you're not getting along well at the end of six weeks, counseling might help.
Expect your spouse to have trouble sleeping for a while. They are accustomed to a different lifestyle (and possibly time zone); it may take them a week or two to adjust.
Don't grill your spouse about personal problems if they arise. Give him/her time to readjust. Swallow your curiosity. This goes for BOTH of you.


Problem Solving Steps
Identify and define the problem or conflict. What is really the problem? What exactly is wrong? Identify the problem without assigning blame or attacking persons. Be aware of the feelings and needs of all those involved.
Brainstorm for possible solutions. Express and record all ideas as fast as you think of them. No judgment or discussion is allowed during brainstorming, BE CREATIVE!.
Evaluate the alternatives. Look at the consequences of each possible solution. Work together to find a solution acceptable to all. Give and take is necessary for a win-win solution.
Choose the best solution. Mutual agreement/consensus and commitment are necessary.
Implement the solution. Decide when and how to evaluate: changes needed, delegation of tasks, time frames for completion, etc.
Assess the results with a follow-up evaluation. Is the situation better or worse? If it is better, do you want to continue? If it is worse, look for another solution from the brainstorming session and implement it. Be persistent until the problem is resolved.

Fighting Fair
Accept the fact that conflict will always exist. Tension and stress are the basis of most marital conflict, and the military generates a particular kind of stress: Frequent moves.
TDYs and deployments.

Learn to focus on one issue at a time during a discussion, and think before you speak. Keeping a cool head goes a long way toward resolving problems.
During a confrontation, allow your spouse equal time to speak his/her mind. An argument is essentially a debate and a debate cannot be successful unless both sides get a chance to air their views. There should be no winners and no losers.
When your spouse is talking, LISTEN to what he/she has to say.
Use a team approach to problem solving. Collaborative management is more effective. Remember, two people working as a team can get a lot more done than two adversaries can.
Don't run away from a confrontation; either physically or by using alcohol or drugs. Remember, for help with really tough problems, don't hesitate to contact the Army mental health counselors, chaplains and social workers.
Eliminate verbal weapons such as "I don't love you" or "You don't love me." Such tactics amount to emotional blackmail and can only foster resentment and anger. The military demands 24 hour availability, which makes it easier for family members to feel as if the service member is more attached to the military than to his/her family.
Never say: "I told you so." Help your partner save face if you should "win." Remember that a problem solved is a win for both.
Take "small bites." Don't try to settle a big issue in one sitting. Take your time and try to resolve the conflict one step at a time.
Never argue in bed!! Use a neutral room, and affirm your love often.
When angry, avoid comparing your spouse with someone else or bringing up past situations. Stick to the issues at hand and remember that you are dealing only with the person in front of you.
Do not hit below the belt. "Belt line" remarks often concern something in your spouse's appearance which he/she is sensitive about.
Learn to deal with jealously. A conflict common in military marriages is caused by the recognition awarded to the military member for his/her dedication while the spouse goes unrecognized for her/his efforts and support.
Learn to be autonomous. Both you and your spouse will have to learn to do things by yourselves on occasion.
Realize that marriages and relationships don't always work out to be peaches and cream. You must make the choice to STAY together; marriage takes work from both of you.
The key to success by using these fair fighting techniques is the ability to put the interests of the couple above one's own concerns. The next time an argument arises, try these techniques. After all, you're in this together.

Marriage takes two people working together to make a winning team!

.

Answer 2

Dear BM, check with the service you H is in and see if they don't have some books, pamphlets, counseling classes or something of this sort to help. You might consider seeing a counselor yourself, having your H see a counselor or both of you seeing a couples counselor. As for your H and his son, nature will pretty much take care of that. Lots of love, lots of hugs, lots of doing things together. Son needs to feel important and Dad has to work at this. Just as the two of you have to work at helping each other remember why you got married in the first place. Good that you are independent. Talk with him about this. Ask his advice, ask his guidance and ask for his support. And, offer, but don't shove at him your guidance, support and advice. This will be a tender time and it takes lots of love and hugs and understanding on both sides. Good luck.

Answer 3

First, check out the AFSB and the post chaplain in your area. They have numerous pamphlets and literature for you to help ease the transition of reintegration.

Second, he has gone thru several training sessions that have already advised him that you have become more independent, and that he needs to quietly resume his position in the household. There will be other classes/training sessions that will be available to the both of you, and will help ease the stress.

Third, DON'T force your son to accept your husband. You son will come around to liking his father, but you BOTH have to remember that dad wasn't there for awhile, and the son will not know who this strange man is. Take is slowly, and your son will come around. I know this sounds difficult, especially because your husband will want to hold you both, but, please remember, that to your son, you husband is a complete stranger.

Congratulations on his safe return. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

when my husband was in the navy , they gave them classes to help them get used to the noise of kids and handling conflicts with spouses and the like before they came home. You need to check with the ombudsmen and see if they have anything like this in the air force. i would be willing to bet that they do. Good luck to you and your family. It takes a special person to be a military wife . Be strong and keep your head held high. And thank you for your sacrifices.

Answer 5

my brother recently got back from iraq-in december. just be patient and see where he's at when he gets home. he may need some time and then he may not. my brother had a very hard time going from always being prepared to shoot to having nothing to do, and any conflict. if he picks up right where he left off-having a relationship with his son, then great! but remember that science has shown until kids are about 5 they can't retain memories-so this won't damage you son if it takes your husband a little bit longer to get back to 'normal'. just be his wife and support him however he needs to be supported.

Answer 6

the fact that you are spending alot of time thinking about this is a strong indication you will succeed. E-mail him this post. Most guys get pretty stoked about the little ones. I think the current american views on our military will make it alot easier. We just want them home with their families.

Answer 7

Take your time, compassion, understanding, and give him all the love he needs. But, remember to watch for signs of PTSD caused by the scenes of war, he may have to need counseling, and your standing by him will make it better. If need seek your local VA, or his direct branch of service for assistance. Thank him for me for being such a great and honorable military serviceman, for our country. God bless you all!

Answer 8

you in basic terms spent all that element making excuses for your self. You lied once you enlisted in the army. The Coast look after is the main selective of the amenities and has no desire for somebody incapable of taking accountability for their lives. not one of the amenities care approximately your undesirable own matters. you're there to do a job.