How do i tell my 3 yr old step daughter that im not her birth mom?

Question

my fiance has 2 kids ages 3 and 5.their mother has not been in the picture for the last 2 years.the 5 year old remembers her and has some phone contact but the 3 year old has no idea.their mother has started calling again and we dont know what or how to tell the 3 year old because i am the only mother she knows.her brother is pretty screwed up from knowing that his mother is not around so we dont want to screw her up also. I know she should no that I am not her birth mother but i'm torn about what to do. also, we have soul physical custody because their mom abandoned them and was on drugs. she goes in spirts where she wont call for months and then she'll call every day for a week.she just gave birth again so now she is calling because she feels motherly now.do we let the kids talk to her only to have her dissappear again and stop calling them?

Answer 1

From experince, I would highly recommend that you start to incorporate this topic into your discussions now. If you wait until she is older there will be quite a bit of anger that you will have to deal with because you have been lying to her her whole life-and there will be big problems later. Albeit that she is young and does not understand the whole concept, therefore assure her that if she has any questions you will be there for her-do not wait and drop this information on her later...
(You are her true mom) :) keep up the good job!
Honesty will continue to be the best policy, even with a child.

Answer 2

I say you should treat this as an adoption issue rather than a mother issue. Let the child know that you are not her birth mom, but her "love" mom or the like. The concept may be difficult for her to grasp, but over the years she will understand it.

As for the mother, make an deal with her. Tell her that she may only call if ________. (ie. has a steady job, is off drugs for good, etc). The last thing you want is her to abandon your children over and over again. If you are nervous she will call when you are not home, you can, for $5 a month or so, have her phone number blocked from the phone so that it won't ring.

I am glad your children have a mom like you rather than a mom like her! And I hope children's aid takes away her new baby soon.....

EDIT
I don't think it is an issue of tell her now, never tell her, tell her when she is ___ years old. Her brother will tell her eventually... which MAY be a little more traumatic than having known it all of her life.

Answer 3

Like it or not, good or bad she is still the birth mother of these children. By not allowing them to talk to her when she calls you are only making things worse and later on they could resent you for it. Since the 5 year old knows and remembers her mother it is best to be honest with the 3 year old, eventually these children are going to get older and the 5 year old will be telling the 3 year old about the birth mom so you may as well be honest right from the beginning rather than get the "why didn't you tell me" questions later on.

Answer 4

that is tough in that should you let her talk to them so she can dissapoint them again... however.. knowing that you are not their birth mother won't screw them up. My daughter has never talked to her dad. She knows that he left. She knows it is not her fault. She knows that he didn't want to be in her life. Those are facts. I didn't wait to tell her. She always knew that he left and then i answered questions. I don't put him down or trash him... but I am honest in a factual way. The other set of facts is that she has a loving home, consistent parenting and feels adored just the way she is.

I think what may bother your son is her inconsistency. The broken hopes and promises, the rejection when she doesn't follow through.. that could screw a kid up. I would explain to both of them that it is not them. She could have had a different daughter, or twins, or a different boy and do the same thing. That is who she is. It has nothing to do with them. As for the 3 year old, just tell her... 'oh that is the lady who carried you in her tummy before i became your mom'. Something like that. It is a fact, and wont' change her home or the two of you being her consisten stable parents

Answer 5

Unless she has legal standing to have phone conversations with the children, cruel as it may sound they need to cease immediately. It's harmful for the children, especially your son, to go through this repeated abandonment everytime she decides to show up and dissapear. Inform her that until she can prove that she is going to make an earnest effort to participate in her childrens lives other than an occasional sporadic phone call, then she should stop calling. Don't try to explain that to a 3 year old, it will only confuse her. You are mommy, no blood can change that. You have raised her, it takes more than carrying a child for 9 months to make a mother. Make sure your husband feels the same way about this as you. He should be the one to talk to her as the children were concieved by them, not you. That is only for the sake of feelings. If he doesn't agree find out why not, make sure that the children's best interests are put first. Contact a lawyer if neccesary to have proper restraints put into action. Good Luck!

Answer 6

If she's that kind of mother, don't let the kids talk to her. If her rights have been taken away, there's no obligation on your part to allow her contact with them. And at that age, it can really do some tricks on the child's mind.
As far as telling the 3 year old, don't, she won't understand the picture anyway. My sister was 8 before she realized that I was her step-sister. She obviously knew something was weird because I never lived with them, but she was that old when she finally grasped it and asked me about it. My niece knows that her step-mom isn't her birth mother because she's required to do visitation for a couple weeks a year. BIL says every time she comes home she's messed up for months.

Answer 7

I would not tell the 3 year old. He/She is not at an age to understand what is going on. I would wait till the child turns 6 or so. Then you can sit down and explain to the child and let them decied if they want to talk to there real mom. That way when the kids get older then won't blame you or your husband for not letting them speak to there mother. And they will figure out what kind of person there mom really is. I hope that helps, Good Luck.

Answer 8

I say you should tell her on a day that everybody is home. Your husband, her brothers and sisters, and most important...YOU! Everyone should sit down eat a nice breakfast and ask the three-year-old what she wants to do today. She may have a long list so get out paper and pen. After you write that all down, circle the things you can definately do in that one day. During breakfast you tell her that she is a wonderful person, and that she is so wonderful that she has two mommies! And if she starts crying, get tissues. Then after that everyone gets ready and leaves the house and does what she wants to do for that one ENTIRE day. So the three-year-old will know how wonderful and special she is.

Answer 9

You can let your step daughter know that she has "another mommy that carried her in her belly" and that you are "her mommy that hugs her, and loves her and takes care of her". Anyway my point is you can't hide her birth mother from her just to protect her. The truth would have to be let out someday anyway and it would hurt more if she is all grown. Just make sure she knows YOU love her plenty and will always be there for her just like a true mom should.

Answer 10

This little girl is the child of your HEART, if not the child of your body. This other person may be her biological MOTHER but you are her MOMMY. There's a difference. Any cat can have kittens.

Are you under any obligation to let this woman see or even speak to the kids? Were her parental rights totally terminated?