Question/problems w/ my middle child.?

Question

I had 2 boys and things were fine. Boy#2 was mommy's baby and he knew it. I never intentially babied him, but I caught myself doing this quite often. Well, things have *changed* When #2 was almost 2 yrs. old I found out that I was expecting again...suprise! Well, needless to say he didn't take it very well when his sister decided that she was going to stick around. Now, although I can't leave him in a room alone with her, I understand that he is going through the whole "middle child" syndrom thing. He has regressed terribaly; he wants to talk like a baby, he stopped doing thing independantly (dressing himself & brushing his teeth to name a few), but my biggest problem is the fact that he refuses to potty train. The boy will be 4 very soon. He is O.K. with urinating- he has accidents...which is laziness, because he just won't stop playing or watching T.V. to bother. But the boy will NOT have a bowel movement on the potty. He has held it for 2 days! How do I approach this?

Answer 1

I think you're placing too much emphasis on the fact that he's a middle child and not enough emphasis on the fact that he is an individual with individual needs, regardless of whether a sister came along.

I am a middle child, and I have a middle child, and I've studied up on middle children, and what you're describing isn't necessary a "middle child" thing. Its a three-year-old with-a-sister-who-is- pretty-close-in-age thing. There is a difference.

My remarks aren't intended to come across as if I know your specific family. They're more a matter of knowing that sometimes and in some cases this type of thing goes kind of like this. I figured I'd tell you what I know happens in some cases or what I know can happen, and if anything I say rings a bell for you, great. If what I say just seems all wrong for you family, then at least I tried.

In the first few years of life children have a very big tendency to mimic. Its probably a result of the way children are designed to learn. In any case, if a young child had a brother who wore a clown hat and said bad words all the time the young child would probably do that. When a young child has a little sibling around who is doing one thing or another he/she often mimics that. I think that parents sometimes misinterpret that mimicking as the older child's "regressing" when it is often nothing more than mimicking the behavior of the person they're with most of the time.

I think if he were my three-year-old I'd let him have the diaper at home but firmly tell him if we go out he will not use a diaper. Obviously, he's capable of holding it. Young children do have accidents frequently, particularly if they're not quite ready to be toilet trained. If you could set up the rule that the diaper is for home and no-diaper is for out you may be able to stretch the time he goes without a diaper after you return home. He would eventually forget and wear undies all day, and then if he still wanted a diaper at night for a while it wouldn't be the end of the world. Sometimes they just like the security of the diaper.

Something else you could add to the approach would be to let him have the part-time diaper now but emphasize that once his birthday comes he will be too big for diaper. Just keep mentioning it. (If it turns out you have to give in for a little while longer, it won't matter. He'll know its something he needs to work on because he's four.) As you know, it isn't good for him to be holding it for days.

It probably would help if you make it a point to spend time with each child alone and really enjoy that time. Even if you just take (in his case) him out for a little lunch and talk and being silly.

One thing about being a middle child: I think it is usually more the being Number 2 and not Number 1 that is more of an issue for a middle child than not being Number 3 is. Second child know their "mother has already been taken". They may love and admire their older sibling and may not be the least bit jealous of him; but they can have a little bit of underlying sense of loss because they know they will never be Number 1 in the family and just have that spot. Second children tend to become "Daddy's" child because mothers and first children are often so much a team, particularly since the first child is older; that Daddy's sometimes make it a point to pay attention to Number 2 or else Number 2 "adopts" Daddy in order to feel like Number 1 with someone. If Daddy isn't the involved type then Mommy needs to be particularly creative when it comes to attention for all children, but that may be a blessing in disguises because that dynamic that can contribute to making a second child "different" isn't in place.

Feeling like the baby doesn't make a child feel good. It can make them feel unimportant because older children, with school and activities, can look more important to their younger siblings. The more a child is made to feel like a baby or is seen as a baby, the more unimportant he can actually feel. A child who has more maturity than he's being treated with or seen to have can also feel invisible and underestimated.

Second children are often dragged to the activities of the older child when they couldn't care less. Mothers sometimes assume that because the first child liked something or was one way or another the second child will be the same. As a result, second children can feel their own mother doesn't recognize their individuality. They can be grouchier people than first borns are because "the program" is often not designed for them, personally.

So you can have a child who is generally happy but more easily irritated "at the world" who then gets a younger sibling, who may knock down his building-block buildings and step on his coloring. The second child is not emotionally able to realize he is older. That younger child looks almost as big as he is to him. Besides, sometimes it just gets the best of him.

I've read books about birth order factor, and a lot of them are just wrong in their statements and assumptions about second-born and middle children. Maybe some of what they say applies to some people sometimes, but they are, by no means, right about a whole lot of things.

To me, there would be no "middle-child syndrome" if parents weren't viewing their child through "middle-child colored glasses". Every child is an individual. Every child needs the same thing. Every child wants to be seen as the individual he is. When a child begins to sense that the adults in his life are seeing him through "glasses" of what sort or another what that child needs is for those adults to take off those glasses and see him through the same eyes they see everybody else.

It seems to me that your little boy (and he is still such a little boy) may be doing things you'd like him not to do but I think he's doing the same things most other little children of his age would likely do in his specific circumstances. I don't think he's "regressing", and I don't think it has anything to do with his being a middle child. I think the things he's doing now are their own phases and will pass as most phases pass. A lot of little kids (especially boys) just don't want to use the toilet and can be pretty stubborn about it. I don't think that's about regression or being a middle child either.

If you don't want to pay attention to anything I've said that's your choice, but I hope you will pay attention to this one thing: Forget he is a "middle child", and whenever you're looking at him or his behavior look at him as an individual who stands alone. If you can do that you won't run the risk of seeing whatever issues he has as more of a problem than what they really are.

Answer 2

What is it with kids and their controling of poop? I think you have two separate issues, one being the poop thing the other being the new baby thing. I have a daughter that once held her poop for 5 day's. 2 days wasn't uncommon. She was probably 3 or 4. We made pooping a family affair. Showed her our poop, so she would know it was normal. She was an only kid, so she got plenty of attention. And plenty of fiber. Finally, when she pooped we applauded her. But all kids go through a poop phase and I can only imagine that it's could be scary for a kid learning about his body and not really having control of it. Probably, my daughter sensed that her parents were stressed; which in turn stressed her. When any animal feels threatened (stress) the digestive tract shuts or slows down, it's just a biological fact. So i suggest lots of fruit and little stress for the poop thing.
For the new baby thing, it sounds like he is afraid of losing his mommy to his sister. So reassure him by giving him some time with just you and him. Put his clothes on 2 days a week. My daughter has openly acknowleged she doesn't want to grow up since 5 yo, shes 11 now. I think she feels secure when I baby her sometimes. It let her know she could depend on her parents in the way she had in the past. When she had to get dressed at about 5, my wife dressed her every other day for about a month then the issue went away. And you could introduce a baby animal, so he could learn baby's take more care; just as he did.
He may resort back to being a baby, but he'll always come back more independent. I think if he's allowed to regress a little, he will feel more assured that his mommy is still there.

Answer 3

It's pretty common with middle children, and I would say the best way to cope is put him on the toilet and make him stay there until he goes. I think he's a little old for a potty at 4 years of age, and allowing him to use it, is only going to re-enforce baby-ish behavior.
Personally, I would use a glycerine suppository, sit him on the regular toilet, and praise him when he does a poo, and tell him what a BIG boy he is !!! ( you can get inserts that fit inside the seat on big toilets, if he has trouble sitting on one).

He's a big boy, and big boys go on the big boy toilet , they brush their teeth, and dress and feed themselves. As long as you dress him or brush his teeth, he has no reason to do it for himself..... so make a point of telling him that you were going to go to the park or store or whatever, (or anything that he enjoys) but that you can't go, if you have to dress 2 babies - so you'll have to stay home today.

Leaving wet pants on him will work too - even if you have to make him stay on uncarpeted areas. Cold wet pants are nasty feeling, and he'll quickly get sick of the feeling. Take him to the toilet every 30 minutes, and make him stay until he accomplishes something.

When you go to the store, let him pick out his very own toothbrush and toothpaste, and then re-inforce that they're all his, but he has to use them....mom isn't going to brush the teeth of such a big boy!

Tell him you can't understand his baby talk...and just ignore him when he asks for something - unless he asks like a big boy.

Catering to the baby-ish behavior just makes it worse, so you need to put an end to it now, before it gets to the point of driving you up the wall !!

Make arrangements to spend some 1 on 1 time together with him - without the baby or older child, so that he knows that you love him and value him for his special *big boy* traits.

Answer 4

You know his whole world has come to an end. First things first I would strongly suggest you finding a way for him to have some of that "Mommy" time that he had before the arrival of his new sister. He is having a hard time adjusting..and he needs to feel loved as he did before her arrival (Not that you aren't showing him love).

In my mind he is not able to control the situation with his baby sister but he can control the potty situation thus the reason for refusing to use it. It is completely normal for a child to regress..I would give him some time to adjust mixed up with a lot of love and positive reinforcement. I would be very careful to not give him attention for negative behavior..you could start a whole new problem there.

Have you done a potty chart? Perhaps you could set one up..for each time he uses it for "pee" he may get 1 star..for "poo" maybe 3 stars..decide on what the reward will be..ie: 4 stars 1/2 hour of Mommy time..Mc Donalds..etc..

Best of luck to you..and just remind yourself as you have that he is having a hard time. He is only 3 going on 4..he is still so very little.

Answer 5

Unforunately, I dont have any "tried and true" advice for you, however, I can let you know alittle of what could be in store for you in the next couple years. My third child was born when #2 was 2. He at first was excited, but the excitement quickly disappeared. I had all the probs you described and then some. People told me my sons behavior was a phase, or it was "just his personality", or that he may have some behavior disease (like ADHD, etc.). I was at such a loss. I tried everything, I truly mean EVERYTHING to get the out of control behavior under control, but it seemed that it always failed.

I sent my son to a fabulous pre-school program called Headstart, and he seemed to get things a little under control. Headstart helped me get him so he used the potty all the time, taught him how to be safe with himself and others, as well as educated him. If you have a program like this near you, I would suggest enrolling your son. It became apperent to me, however, that even all the things he learned in that program were not enough to "straighten" him out. My son is now 5 and in kindergarten. He has had a TERRIBLE time getting adjusted to regular school. The very first day he was sent to the principal's office, and shortly before Christmas break, he was suspended out of school. I know that your issues with your son may not be as extreme as mine, but they are certainly worth worrying about. It may be just a phase with your boy, or it may be something more. Talk to his doctor and get him enrolled in some kind of seperate activity, be it Headstart or the equal. I know for a fact that if I had not sent my son to pre-school, the issues I'm dealing with would be 100 times worse. Good luck to you and your son.

Answer 6

I would suggest maybe spending some one on one time with your son. He is having a hard time adjusting to the newest family member and maybe by doing something special for just him once a week would put things in perspective for him. I do not recommend punishing this child, children often do not know how to communicate their feeling as adults do, therfore they will display their insecurities through behavior. Reassure him that there is enough love and remind yourself to be patient during this transition for him. This will pass! Handle it with positive reinforcement and not negative punishments-all he really wants is a little attention, and often bad attention is better than none at all....

Answer 7

He does this because he don't feel important anymore I'm a middle child and I swear to myself that my parent like my little bro and big sis better than me. You can only have 1 oldest and 1 youngest but you can have as many middle children ad you want we always want to feel important. Well my Lil bro make loud and spiders noises and my big sister will never shut up and neither do I but never in history has he ever told them to shut up but no he always tells me every second of every day.. but my dad used to beat me not my big sis and Lil bro this does make you feel special it actually makes you hate yourself

Answer 8

Adri, raising kids is a tough job. Unfortunately we get no real training. We sort of remember what our parents did with us but most of us feel mom and dad could have done a lot better. So, how to deal with a 4 year-old? Read books. Take him to a child therapist. You go to a therapist. Ask your friends. Don't be ashamed to talk about him, many kids have similar problems. Kids need lots and lots of hugs and love. Don't yell at him, that isn't saying you love him. Talk with him a lot. Hug him a lot. Tell him you love him. He WILL grow out of this...the real question is whether you can hold on long enough for him to grow up. Believe me, it's happened before and it will happen again. Talk to other mothers, get some books, ask for help on line. Good luck.

Answer 9

Honestly, as mean as it sounds, yell at him. Treat him like an adult, and even if he doesn't understand it, make sure he knows that he's having rather bratty behavior. He'll eventually grow out of it and love the new child, and if he doesn't, he'll eventually LEARN the world can't be all about him.