Is it wrong to NOT want children??

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. I am finishing up college and about to start grad school and he has a great job.

After seeing a commercial with toddlers running around we got to talking. Although both of us would ideally like children in the future at some point, the thought of being a parent right now is depressing. We do what we want when we want to. We spend our money on things that we want. I feel like its selfish but I can't imagine taking care of a teething baby or being responsible for the life of another human being.

Does this make us bad people? I feel like its selfish to not want children. I'm married, mid 20's, aren't I Supposed to want children??

I'm worried b/c I'd like to have a child one day. Will my thoughts and feelings change? When I'm finished with grad school will I be ready? Will I EVER be ready to be a mother, to devote my life to a child? I feel so horrible!! Help!!

Answer 1

Absolutely not. Wanting children is something that differs from person to person and has nothing to do with age or income or level of education. My next door neighbor is finishing her doctorate and desperately wants a second child while my other neighbor has a bachelors and is working on a third child with absolutely no reservations about not getting back into the job market anytime soon.

Some people just don't want to bring children into the world we're living in now especially with all the war and environmental problems going on. It depresses me sometimes when I think that my children will have to deal with our generations mistakes and I wonder if it was a mistake to have kids at all. But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Don't feel bad and don't feel pressured. Better to never want a baby than to have one if you're really not ready and willing.

Good luck!

Answer 2

You and your hubby are the only ones that should determine if you should have children and if you want to have children. Don't let society tell you that if you are in the prime baby making age that it is wrong to not want to have them. You sound like you are in a good place in your marriage and in your schooling. Why throw that all away right now for a child that you don't really want right now. That would cause you to really resent the fact that you had this child. Your feeling will change when you decide the time is right for a baby. Plus when you first see your child if is an amazing experience so that causes changed feeling right away. Enjoy being young and able to blow use your time and money how you see fit. Too many people are having babies so young they never get to expeirence the fun things of life like traveling without kids, going to concerts or plays or whatever they enjoy. Kids can complicate your life and if you are not ready for one then it doesn't make you a bad person to not have one.

Answer 3

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I have 4 children ranging in ages 21 to 1. I had a child in my 20's 30's and 1 at 40. If I had any advice it would be to wait until you feel the time is right. Enjoy your life with your husband. Enjoy being "you" before you become"mom". And if you decide you will never be ready then don't worry about it. having children is wonderful but it is not in any way the only thing that defines you . I enjoy being a mother much more in my 40's then I ever did in my 20's. You have plenty of time to be a parent if you decide that's what you want. For now just enjoy the freedom of being just you and your husband.

Answer 4

Absolutely not - you are fully entitled to your feelings and what is wrong with having some quality years with your husband? Save up some money, go on some fun vacations, buy the things you want now because it is true, once those kiddies start coming, your life will change.

Nobody is ever really ready to be a mom or dad. It is a very scary new experience but luckily for you there is so much help available these days. Classes and online groups are such a great help so you don't feel so alone and scared. Once you hold that little person in your arms you will find your entire focus changes.

There are times I wished I had waited awhile and finished school. Not that I don't love my kids but having time for me would have been nice, too. And having some money saved up and a few other things would have been good.

The only thing I would caution you about is keeping your health as close to perfect as possible. As you get older, your body can change and you can sometimes have problems having a baby. If that happens, the more years you have to deal with it, the better. Make regular ob/gyn appts. and make sure you talk to your dr. about your feelings. They are nothing at all to be ashamed about. I know many people who have said they do not want kids or just have one and are very content with that.

And, if anyone says anything to you about it, tell them that is a personal decision, one you and your husband feel is for YOU to make without anyone's input.

Answer 5

In some ways you should feel a little bad about punishing the wrong child because you didn't exactly try to get the facts before you jumped to the conclusion. However even though the child that was punished wasn't exactly the one that was picking by your own admission she was standing over with the child that had done the picking laughing. She did nothing to prevent the 9 year old from picking on the 6 year old. She just went along with it. In the future so you don't have these types of misunderstanding try to do fact finding first. You don't want parents jumping on you for no reason.

Answer 6

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm proud that your being honest with yourself. I have 5 kids and yes they are a HUGE responsibility and very time consuming but i could not live my life without my kids they are every beat in my heart and every breath I take. Not everyone is meant to have kids. I think you are being responsible for finishing school and planning ahead. You will know when the time is right, if their ever is a time. If you do decide to have kids just don't wait until your old enough to be their grandmother or you won't be able to keep up. If your a religious person just pray God gives the best advice!! Good luck and take your time if not ready, your kids deserves it.

Answer 7

Oh my! Don't feel bad! I think it's great that you are smart enough to wait til your ready. If alot more people did that I think life would be much better for kids that are born. My sis is 27 and still not ready for kids. She may not even want them she's not sure yet. It isn't something that every1 has to do or your a bad person. Having kids is not for every1. At least you are responsible enough to admit that! You and your husband seem to be working hard for things in your life and should take the time to enjoy it. You will know if and when you are ready.

Answer 8

No way honey, Enjoy your lives together. There are too many children being brought into this world that aren't being taking care of (Not at all saying you wouldn't be good parents) I respect the fact that you are thinking this through before just popping out children. Take your time and wait till your ready, God will bless u with a child when your ready.

Answer 9

I think more than being normal, you are being smart! The last thing you want to do is tie yourself down with kids if you will resent doing so.

My mom started having kids when she was 29. My friend's mom and dad were bother 35 and 36 when he was born. I don't think there really is a perfect age to have kids, but rather a perfect age for YOU to have kids.

Go on and enjoy your life! Save some money while you have time for when the day comes. Get yourself settled in a job, have a great time doing your own thing and one day, when you have kids, you won't feel as though you have had a part of you stolen.

Answer 10

No, there is nothing wrong with that. It's just that people like you never pass on your genes, and quickly die out of the population. *grins*

But seriously though, in my mind at least, you can never really be "ready" to have children. Most parenting skills are learned from the school of experience. Some maturity and a lack of serious emotional "baggage", and an effective marriage are the only real prerequisites I can think of, and you seem to have no problem in those areas. It is of course entirely up to you, so I can only give my biased opinion in this case.

Not wanting children doesn't mean you are selfish, it is just a question of what you value in life. If you have children you may be forced to choose between some of the things in your life that you consider important right now. You just have to ask yourself how much happiness, peace, and satisfactions do those things really give you? All I can say, is that whatever you do, you need to make sure that always you put yourself, your husband and your marriage first, your children second, and the rest of your life in third.

As you get older, statistically it becomes more difficult to get pregnant. From an empirical standpoint, children actually require very little in the way of material things, (what they require is all the attention you are willing to give.) Having money or a career does not make you a better or worse parent. Though if given the choice, I would choose children personally. Children should not feel entitled to money or material things, or feel that these are a substitute for love and attention.

And yet, and yet,.......having children is really the only thing you can accomplish in life that will mean anything after you are dead. There are just so many things you can learn from being a parent and nowhere else, that I'm not going to try to list them. Parenting makes you smarter, stronger, much wiser, and if not *always* happier, at least a much better human being. Once you have children I am sure you will feel different about the new, beautiful life you have created, and I think you will find that the fears you are having now are really unimportant.

Good luck!
~Donkey Hotei