have any good jokes?

Question

i love telling jokes, the problem is, all of mine are really REALLY lame. my friends always make fun of me because of how awful they are. hehe, anyways, do you have any good jokes to lend me? my favorite will get 10 points!!! thank u

Answer 1

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."


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There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh ****!"


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A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"


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A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."


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A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the ***** in the kitchen

Answer 2

1st

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all
die in the same freak accident. So
when they reach the pearly gates, St.
Peter tells them that, unfortunately,
heaven is over crowded, so they each
have to answer a question correctly
for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter
asks, “Name the famous ship that was
sunk by an iceberg?”
“Phew, that one's easy,” says the
teacher, “The Titanic.”
“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may
pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How
many died on the Titanic?”
The thief replied, “That's a toughy,
but fortunately I just saw the movie.
The answer is 1500 people.” And so he
passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his
question: “Name them.”
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2nd

There was this Asian lady married to
an American gentleman and they lived
in Honolulu

The poor lady was not very proficient
English, but managed to communicate
with her husband. The real problem
arose whenever she had to shop for
groceries.


One day, she went to the Butcher and
wanted to buy a leg of mutton She
didn't know how to put forward her
request, and in desperation, Lifted up
her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message And the
lady went home with mutton legs.


The next day, she needed to get
Chicken breasts. Again, she didn't
Know how to say, and so she unbuttoned
her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.


The 3Rd day, the poor lady needed tO
buy Sausages. Unable to find a way to
communicate this, shE brought her
husband to the store...

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What were you thinking?




No. The husband didnt strip off his
pants. He can speak English remember?

Answer 3

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what he's doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Answer 4

What did Eric Cartman say to his friends?


If a woman ever annoyed me, i'd say "eh, bi'tch go do my laundry!"

Answer 5

Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a book to learn how to read.

Answer 6

how do you know that a zebras actually white with black stripes instead of black with white stripes?

Because he was trying to imitate eminem

Answer 7

Why don't indians eat Sushi?

Answer 8

Blonde

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

Num. 2.

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.


Num. 3.

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag?

A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

Num. 4.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

Num. 5.

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

Num. 6.

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

Thats not all

yo mama so stupid....

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.

Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo.

Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.

Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

yo mama so old....

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the ***** died.

Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1.

Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired.

Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.

Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.

Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.

Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight.

Yo MaMa So Fat....

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.

Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances at a club, she makes the band skip.

Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time.

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.

Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.

Yo mama's so fat, when your dad climbs on top of her, his ears pop.

Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my *** on the lightbulb.

Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs.

Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck.

Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.

Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her *** weighs 50 pounds.

Yo mama's so fat, the ***** jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, her lipstick comes in a spray can.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change.

Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.

Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she is backing up.

Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate, she got blue prints.

Yo MaMa So Ugly....

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama.

Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.

Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.

Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her.

Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful of pardons.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains.

Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.

Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out.

Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck.

Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup.

Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.

Learning Math....

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

Thats it

pick me

Answer 9

why the chicken cross the road

because the KFC man was chasing him
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Say I am
spell ab
say yotch

it says I AM A BYOTCH (bi'tch)
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How many hohoho's did you see during the holidays
hohohos=Whore;s
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your weiner oh i for got you dont have one you have a line

Answer 10

Insults:


If you are wondering which sexual position produces the ugliest children, ask your mother.



You love nature in spite of what it did to you?



What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.



When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?



Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.



Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.



There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.



You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.



Yo Mamma:


Yo Mamma's so fat she was mistaken for god's bowling ball



Yo Mamma's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up



Yo Mamma's so fat she had to go to Sea World to get babtized



Yo Mamma's so fat she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops



Yo Mamma's so fat she has to iron her pants on the driveway



Yo Mamma's so fat she needs a building permit for her girdle



Yo Mamma's so fat she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ring



Yo Mamma's so fat she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller



Yo Mamma's so fat she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out



Yo Mamma's so fat when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose



Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door.



Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate.



Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.



Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!



Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!



Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!



Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!



Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.



Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.



Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"



Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.



Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.



Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!



Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.



Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.



Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."



Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, "These walls ain't green!!"



Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled "were's my gumball."



Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!


Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.



Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.



Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.


Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.



Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.



Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.



Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.


Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."


Blonde:


A blonde cop caught a blonde woman speeding. He pulled her over and walked over to her car.

"Miss, I'm going to have to see your license" the blonde cop said.

"What's a license?" the blonde woman asked.

The blonde cop tried to think of a way to describe it, "It's small, rectangular, and has your face on it."

The blonde woman searches through her purse and finds her compact mirror, she looks at it and sees that it is small, rectangular and has her face on it.

She hands it to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at it, "Oh I'm sorry miss" the cop said, "I didn't realize you were a police officer too."



What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!


Other Jokes:



A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, "that's ok."

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!


Heaven was filling up, so God decided to only let people in who had really horrible deaths.

The first guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The man began his story.

"Well, I found out my wife was having an affair, so I tried to kill the guy. I found him outside a window of a five story building hanging on to the ledge by his hands. I hit his hands with a hammer and he fell off of the building. When he hit the ground he still didn't die, so I threw a refrigerator on him and he died. And after all of that, I died of a heart attack.

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" so he let him through the gate.

The next guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"Well I was working out in the hallway when I slipped and fell down the stairs and fell out the window. I managed to grab the window ledge but some guy hit my hands with a hammer so I fell off the building. I landed in a bush so I was okay, but then the guy threw a fridge on me!

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" and he let him through the gate.

Then a third guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"You aren't going to believe this" he said, "but i was hiding in a refridgerator...



The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!



Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep.

One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***!!



A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"



One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!



A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!



A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"



A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"

The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".