i need to write a contact letter to my son?

Question

he,s 18 now and i have never spocken or seen him

his mother has told him i am dead

but feel he has a right to know

and feel i could help him if he needs it

Answer 1

Good for you. Do it. I'm sure he'll be happy to hear from you once he understands everything.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Please tread very carefully with this one for the sake of all concerned. Since you know he has been told you are dead I take that to mean he was not adopted through the usual channels and perhaps was brought up by a relative or friend? It is natural you want to be in touch with him as usually it is circumstances outwith a mum's control that she has to give up her in to consideration and see where you go from there. Is he happy and has he been brought up well? At the time although not happy was giving him over to these people a better solution for you than not knowing where he was? Also many other things which you must have thought about yourself. If I am wrong and it was all done through an Adoption Agency write a genuine note telling him why you could not keep him at the time, how you have felt over the years and would want to get in touch but also assure him it is not your intention to break up his present family. The agency will know whether this can be passed on or if he has registered to find out where you are. If he is with someone you know right a letter to to him/her/them first explaining your feelings and give them the opportunity to speak with him before you make contact or perhaps you can arrange a meeting to see if you can come to some agreement before he is told. Hope this helps although I know sometimes it can be a case of a grandmother bringing up a child and the child always believed his mum was his sister. In this type of situation it is a very close family issue and hopefully a decision would be made which is best for the child. Good luck

Answer 3

Ok my perspective is as a mom of a child whose father abandoned him, you need to keep it calm and dont go casting blame, his mother has probably her own reasons as to why she has told him your dead. Its not the easiest thing you know, deciding on what to tell your child as they are growing up and they ask the questions. We all do what we think is best, my time will come when my son makes the decision if he does to find his father. Ive not told him hes dead, just that he couldnt be with us.

Introduce yourself, if you heard any thing about your son, show some indication that you wanted to know things about him. Tell him how you feel, and how youd like to meet him.
Rights are a funny thing, anyone can be a father, it doesnt make you a good Dad.

Dont have expectations, dont harbour anger. If you are given the opportunty to get to know your son dont waste it. Letters can be read out of context so keep it straight forward.
I hope my son has the opportunity to meet his father, at some point, and Im hoping I have prepared him well enough for it.

Answer 4

That is so sad and I feel sorry for you, but I will just let you know the first thoughts I had when I read your question.

Why would a mother lie like that. What reason did she have.

Why would you not have tried to do something for the boy when he was growing up....you know...when he would have needed a father figure for advice on boys things, when he needed new books and when school fees were due, not to mention birthdays and Christmas.....and so on.

Not my business I know but that is what I thought.

Could you not contact his mother first and make it right with her. If she had reasons to lie to your son I think she would have to tell him what they were, so that he would understand why you were not there for him. You would have to explain it all to him. Could you cope with that?. Then you will have to think about the effect this news will have on your son. Would it change the way he thinks about his mother. She was there for him and raised him alone. Would you be causing three people to be unhappy instead of just one. Or......would it be wonderful news for your son..

It is a sad situation. I hope things work out for you no matter what you finally decide to do.

Answer 5

make sure you are accessable: can you find yourself online??? if you were him, could he find you? If YOU want to be the one to call him first-- search, then write a letter. he will be able to read and reread it as many times as he likes. send a picture as well---or not.. (?)...then, if he writes back, get to know him, and met him in a public place...for an activity like a baseball game or coffee ...something you may have in common. (not a movie--leaves no room to talk). If you contact him- please do so in a letter. because anyother way would probably throw him off gaurd. I am 19 now, and I just contacted my real dad for the first time yesterday, as a matter of fact. I'm ready to meet him. I wrote him, and within a few hours, he e-mailed me back. that simple. :) best of luck, and I'm praying for you.

Answer 6

questions to think about, u may have done so allready but a reminder helps.

Why after all this time.
Will do more harm than good
will you destroy his mother son relationship
what do you want out of it, want to be part of his life, why now when he has made it without u for soo long
You may want to tell the mother to tell him about you so that it isnt as big shock as copared to hearing it from you

personally Its the right thing to do coz truth is allways more important and will a great test on the character on each member of the family and will trully show who is the noble one

Answer 7

write one to him saying that this is a` s`e``c`re`ct you've keeping, though his mother said ur dead tell him of course, ur not! tell him that some day you would like to meet him and tell him what really happened or that u would just like to meet him when he feels ready. Since hes 18 he can make the choice if he wants to meet u and read ur letters. if his mom doesnt let u might have to call a legal family attounrey or go to court. and theres always talking to her and telling her ur son deserves to no the truth!

Answer 8

firstly he's 18 and thinks your dead? why did you not tell him before now that your not, and how did you find out she said that? secondly do you want to see him for you or for him, and what do you want out of it, after 18 years you will never have a father son relationship, it will never be more then friends.
and thirdly, if you want to really contact him, do it via his mother only, tell her you want contact and let her decide when she tells him, just give her your number to pass on, do not contact him direct, his mother has always been there for him before you came back and always will, she deserves the right to tell her son first, and on her terms not yours,

Answer 9

Find out a little about his life first, talk with his mum because the best possiable way you can get around it the better.
If you do end up contacting him and he turn's you away accept his descion, send him b-day cards and x-mas cards but don't push it.If he wants you he will find you.
Good Luck,im proud of you it may have taken 18 years but you've tried to correct the fault.

Answer 10

His mother was very shortsighted in saying that you were dead, whatever her reason for that was. Your son deserves to know you and make up his own mind about who you are. I hope, when he learns that his mother has lied to him about this, that he doesn't turn against her for it. He will need the help of both his parents to get him thro this. Good luck to all of you.

Answer 11

I do not believe you should go barging in to your sons life. It could do so much harm and destroy him. Eighteen years is a long time and he will well have built a new life with his mother and even somebody else. You could be taking away all his beliefs and mentally break him......................you to have been living all this time with no contact.....................I have to say leave him alone and let him live his life..................sad but destroying his beliefs could be detrimental for him physiologically a chance i would not want to take with my children.