Best joke earns 10 points?

Question

Felling a bit low at moment need a good joke to cheer me up (make them good)

Answer 1

Screw Or Swim

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... **** out to here, Dave, **** out to here!

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... **** out to here, Dave, **** out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... **** WAY out to here, Dave, **** WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her **** and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"


Nice Name

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and
asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied.


Poisoned

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.


Desert Island

A man's boat capsizes in the middle of the ocean. He washes up on a deserted island with nothing but the clothes on his back. He builds a small shelter and finds food and water, but he misses civilization more with each passing day.

While walking on the beach one day, he sees a beautiful woman emerge from the ocean wearing a scuba tank and a wetsuit. She says, "You look like you could use a smoke." She unzips a pocket on one arm of her wetsuit, pulls a Cuban cigar from inside, and hands it to the man. The man smokes slowly, and tells her that it is the finest cigar that he has ever smoked.

"How about a drink?" the woman asks. She unzips another pocket, reaches in, and pulls out a small flask. "It's a 17-year-old, single malt scotch, aged in oak," the woman tells him. The man is almost beside himself with joy as he sips the drink.

The woman then begins unzipping the front of her wetsuit. "Want to play around?" she asks.

"Jesus Christ!" the man says. "You have a set of golf clubs in there too?"


Dr. Smith's Remedy

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Crude Sex Jokes

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last ********.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is ******* her.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

Bumping Into A New Friend

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his
elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled The man
turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
room 221."


Womans Underwear

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”


Cop On Horse

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."


Cursing Problem

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a *****!”

Nun In The Bathroom

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"


Taxi Fare

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"

The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

Abducted

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

Drinking Politics

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Staggering Drunk

Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he'd done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and his wife staring daggers at him from across the room.

She says, "So, you were staggering drunk last night Paddy, weren't you now?

Says Paddy, "Now why would you say such a thing?"

"Well," she says, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....... it's all the Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."



Bad Bathroom Experience

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."


Don't Drink And Drive

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.

“No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

Last Wish

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."


Screwinh The Business

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right."

So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.

"Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Designated Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Drunk Husbands

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."


Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.



Freeze Your *** Off

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but
didn't like each other much.

In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade
cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.

So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the
window ledge the longest with a bare ***.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob,
"What are you doing?" Bob explained and she said,
"Come on, you will only freeze your *** off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe
is looking the other way."

Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and
traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,
"What are you doing?" Joe told her and said, "I am
determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side.
Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"


Suspenders

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!

"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

Answer 2

My Mum sent me this one - put all your troubles into perspective.
Be happy and take care


> >>A MAYONNAISE JAR AND 2 CUPS OF COFFEE
> >>
> >>When things in your life seem almost too much to
> >>handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
> >>remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
> >>
> >>A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
> >>some items in front of him.
> >>
> >>When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
> >>large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill
> >>it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the
> >>jar was full. They agreed that it was.
> >>
> >>The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
> >>poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
> >>The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
> >>golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
> >>jar was full they agreed it was.
> >>
> >>The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
> >>it into the jar . Of course, the sand filled up
> >>everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
> >>full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
> >>
> >>The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
> >>under the table and poured the entire contents into
> >>the jar, effectively filling the empty space between
> >>the sand. The students laughed.
> >>
> >>"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
> >>"I want you to recognize that this jar represents
> >>your life. The golf balls are the important things-
> >>your God, family, your children, your health, your
> >>friends, and your favorite passions--things that if
> >>everything else was lost and only they remained your
> >>life would still be full.
> >>
> >>The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
> >>job, your house, and your car.
> >>
> >>The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
> >>
> >>If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
> >>"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
> >>The same goes for life. If you spend all your time
> >>and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
> >>room for the things that are important to you.
> >>
> >>Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
> >>happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
> >>medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.
> >>Play another 18. There will always be time to clean
> >>the house and fix the disposal."
> >>
> >>Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that
> >>really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
> >>sand."
> >>
> >>One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
> >>the coffee represented.
> >>
> >>The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
> >>goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
> >>seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of
> >>coffee with a friend."

Answer 3

Do you know why so many blonde jokes are one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. ============================== Ok, I'll play along... A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: 1)The bartender is a blonde woman. 2) The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3) I'm a 6 foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5) - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nevermind, not if I have to explain it five times." ================================== the pregnancy test and twins joke is an old favorite of mine :) I'll add one more joke recently told to me: A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter for some rectum deodorant. The assistant, confused, turned to the bemused pharmacist who explained to the blonde that they do not sell rectum deodorant. In fact, they've never sold it. The blonde then insists that she has bought it in that pharmacy many times, she just can't remember the brand name to find it. The pharmacist replies, " I'm sorry, you're mistaken, we do not sell rectum deodorant." The blonde insists " I've ALWAYS bought it here!" The pharmacist then asks,"Do you remember what the container looked like, or better yet, do you have an empty container?" "Yes!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and be right back with it!" She returns and hands the pharmacist the empty container. He looks down at it and then tells her, " I'm sorry to tell you, but this is a regular stick underarm deodorant container" Angrily, she snatches the container from his hands and turns it over to the back label and reads aloud from the instructions to him: "To Apply, Push Up Bottom"

Answer 4

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
> > > A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> > > A carton of eggs,
> > > A quart of orange juice,
> > > A head of romaine lettuce,
> > > A 2 lb. can of coffee,
> > > And a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The Drunk Replied "Because you're ugly."

Answer 5

Three men arrive together at the Pearly Gates. There is a sign on the gates saying "Back in 5 Minutes".

To pass the time while thay are waiting they decide to explain how they died. The first man says " I was walking down the street, past a block of flats, when suddenly a wardrobe lands on me, and I was killed."

The second man looks a bit embarrassed,and says " I suspected that my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her out. When I got home, she was in bed, but alone. I knew she was cheating on me, but I was frustrated at not catching her, so in my anger I threw the wardrobe out of the window. It was very heavy. The effort gave me a heart attack, and I died. Sorry, I think I killed you."

It was the turn of the third man " I was minding my own business sitting in a wardrobe..............."

Answer 6

A guy walks into a pub and he see a sign which says
'make the horse laugh win £300 pounds
so the guy walks up to the horse and whispers in his ear, The horse cracks a smile then breaks into uncontrollable laughter, the man collects his winnings and goes home
the next week the man walks goes back to the pub and theres another sign saying
'make the horse cry win £100 ponds
so the guy walks up to the horse, turn's his back and shows him something, the horse breaks down and begin's to sob, when the man goes to collect his winnings the bartender says 'before i give you the money please tell me how you did that both times, the man says 'well the first time i said that i had a bigger D**k then you and the second time i showed him'



tadda!

Answer 7

Three brother's Tom, Dick & Harry are sat at home, one day Tom & Harry decide it's time for some shopping and set off. They arrive at a shoe shop and go inside. 'Do you have those in a size 13?' enquires Harry to the sales assistant 'Oh, and while you're there, can you get me a pair of these in a size 14?' says Tom. 'Blimey!' said the sales assistant, 'you've got big feet' Harry says ' I know, but if you think they're big, you should see the size of our Dick's!'

Answer 8

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

Answer 9

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life! Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary , "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary .
"She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come"

Answer 10

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. He says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Answer 11

i saw this yesterday and it cheered me up....

A high school class was taking a trip to the insane asylum and on kid sneaks off saying he wants to see what these people are really like. He goes in the first room and see a man grabbing and twisting his head. The kid asks what are you doing? The man replies screwing my head on straight so I can get outta here. The kid says cool and goes to the next room where he sees a man balling up this brown stuff and asks what are you doing? The guy replies getting my **** together so i can get the hell outta here. The kid says cool and goes to the next room and sees this guy cumming in a bag of peanuts he asks what the hell are you doing? the guy replies I’m ******* nuts ain’t no way I’m getting outta here.