How do I get over the fact that I am not my boyfriend's first love?

Question

I'm currently in a 1 year relationship with my boyfriend, and I am an extremely jealous girlfriend. The reason is because I am not his first love and he is my first everything. But the thing is, when I ask him about his ex's, he tells me that yes, he loved them, but that's the past. I asked him if he loves me more than them, and he said no. He said that "when you love someone, you love someone. You give your whole heart to them." Which means that he loves me just as much as he loved them. He told me he broke up with them because they weren't compatible - i.e. they didn't like the same things. So? That to me is a bunch of crap! He also told me that he would probably be with his second girlfriend still if it wasn't for a small problem with language (he's not american). Is breaking up because of incompatibility a good reason? I don't feel special in my relationship, even though he tells me I am.The fact that he doesn't love me more bothers me a lot too.Am I being unreasonable?

I understand what you guys are saying, and this is great advice. My boyfriend's definition of compatible was that they didn't like the same things. For example, she liked parties, and he didn't. He liked cars, and she didn't. They didn't like the same things - that was his definition of compatible. And if they weren't compatible, why'd they sleep together? That's the thing that gets me the most. He is a great guy - he loves me very much. He tells me I'm very special and that I am his life. Your responses are correct, but I don't need people to lecture me. I need advice. Tell me how to get over it - give me reasons to not be jealous. For example - there's this one answer I liked a lot - that he loves me and comes home to me everyday and not someone else. I need those kinds of comments and advice. I just need more reasons to not be jealous. Thanks for all your replies.

Answering the questions that one of you asked, yes I asked those questions. He said that he is happier with me because we like the same things (not because of my personality or anything). He says that I'm not prettier than his other girlfriends - he says that we all look the same. He tells me that the sex with them was awkward, but with me he's very comfortable. He's tried new things with me that he's never done before, but that's only a few. It bothers me that he doesn't do things that he knows would me happy. For example, he knows I don't like stephen segal movies, but I watch them with him because he tells me he wants my company. But when I want to watch a movie that he doesn't like, like Borat, he just says "no, I'm not interested." What do you guys think of that? I do everything that would make him happy, but he doesn't do anything that he doesn't want to - even if it would make me happy.

By the way I didn't harbor these feelings in the beginning of the relationship. It started about four months ago when I started getting jealous.

Answer 1

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. I believe you have the right to be jealous of his exes. But to me, the exes is not the real issue. It is how HE say HE ended it with them because they were too different from him. You raise a good point, if they were so incompatible why is he having sex with them? If one really loves another, they find middle ground. And where they differ, they differ. They understand and accept where they are different. If they really love the other. But many mistake lust for love. Because they have strong physical surface feelings they think they are in love. But there is no roots there. And when tested, the union dissolves away. Maybe you feel that because he doesn't seem too overly enthused about you being his girl, you can be dismissed as easy as the others were. You can resign the fact that right now he is with YOU. That is about all you can do. There is now clear and easy remedy to how you feel that he had others before you. All you have is that they are gone, and YOU are here with him now. Start with that.

Answer 2

Of course, breaking up because of incompatibility is a fabulous reason. You need to have some interests in common, or else what are you going to talk about and do together outside the bedroom?

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Did you expect your first boyfriend to wait around for you to show up so that you could be his first everything as well? Pretty arrogant, I think.

It's a difficult question, "Do you love me more than them?", especially for someone that doesn't seem to have a lot of regrets about his past. He probably could have explained his answer a bit better, but that's your responsibility to ask what you really want to know. Are you asking if he is happier with you? Are you asking if he feels more comfortable with you?

Get over his past; he has. I'm shocked that he's stayed with you for a year if you're this jealous and this insecure. I would have given it about two weeks, three at the most depending on your skills in bed.

Answer 3

I can tell that this is probably your first major relationship, from the fact that he is your first everything. I think for one that you should have first taken time to get to know this guy first. Myabe start off as friends and getting to know all the stuff that is messing with your mind now. I was in a relationship like this before. Everything I did reminded me of my girlfriend and her past.

I;ve been through what you are going through and I can tell you that it's hard to overcome it. People may tell youi that your childish or insecure but oh well-- whatever --its just like that. Pay them no mind because you know what makes you feel right. I think you moved into the relationship too fast.

But there is a remedy. Put your trust in your relationship. Have faith that he is telling you the truth and that he cares about you as much as he says. If you keep pressureing him about his past he's gonna get discouraged about it and probably dump you. Just try to stay away from the subject of past relationships. That's what I said when I met my last girlfriend. The past is Taboo. Even though we don't have 100% compatability that's fine with me. I don't think I could stand a person that likes and does every single thing I do anyway. There's gotta be some differences.

Try to keep a clear mind and don't think about it. It's just you and him now and that's all that matters. Remember the past is taboo.

Best wishes

Answer 4

Love is very complicated and simple at the same time. He is your first everything you said, you probably have very idealistic views of love at the moment. Love is letting your heart be for someone. However if it is not going to work out, you may still hold the same feelings for that person, however you know you must move on. I personally believe people can freely give their whole heart to people they love, no is no more or less. It is just circumstances/scenarios.

Visual example would be taking two crayons, say a red and a pink. Write love with them both on two different types of material. Both are the same word but look different. But the same meaning comes across. That is what love is about.

Answer 5

Yes, you are being completely unreasonable. Get some counseling for your insecurity as if you don't you'll find it difficult to ever have a long term relationship or friends (people will tire of your jealousy, insecurity, and neediness quickly).

And incompatibility is a VERY common reason relationships don't work out or never get started. Why would people who are not compatible waste time staying together? I have to wonder if you understand what that words means, to have asked a question that should be quite obvious.

Answer 6

yes, you are immature and lack experience and you are unrealistic. you are the one he loves totally NOW. and
i think that this issue is the most likely cause of incompatibility if you can't get over it and understand. he is right.

incompatibility is a good reason to break up before you get married. why stay with someone if things aren't working well. the world is full of people who were madly in love but couldn't stay together. it takes work. that's one thing, once you're committed you can't just leave because of incompatibility. you have to work on it til you work it out.

i am 46 and have been married 3 times and in love several more. you can't know your first time but you bf is right. you need to find a way to get over this feeling or it will tear you apart and you will lose this great guy.

Answer 7

clearly are a possessive girlfriend, just because he has been involved in previous relationships where he has though hes been in love shouldn't be a reason for you to raise hell!!!
you shouldn't ask about his ex girlfriends {specially if you will get on his case} what good is it for your relationship??...
instead of investing all that negative time trying to find out why it is they are no longer together you should try enjoying the time YOU get to have with him!!
obviously those girls aren't important to him, if not they would still be in his life!
the one in his life is you!
leave the old girlfriends alone

Answer 8

Of COURSE incompatability is a good reason for a break-up. It is the ONLY reason.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Sounds like you have some low self-esteem issues that you need to work out on your own.

Answer 9

Honey you need to grow up. Being jealous in a relationship will kill it over time. And so what if your not his first love, the main thing is that you are his love now. So throw that jealous streak out the window!!!!!!

Answer 10

does it really matter how he felt a/b his exes. that's the problem w/us ladies. stop asking questions you might not like the answers to. if he's w/ you and being a great guy than who cares what he did before you. all you're going to do is drive him away and believe no man whats a jealous and insecure woman who doesn't trust him. best wishes.