How important is instant chemistry with a date? Read on...?

Question

I am recently divorced, and have just barely gotten out into the dating world. A childhood friend, who is two years older than me, just got divorced, heard I was divorced and looked me up. We grew up pretty much as family, we lived next door to each other and me and his little sis were best friends. We have VERY similar family backgrounds and he is a great guy. He's fun, funny, down-to-earth, a good father to his children, a hard worker and a gentleman. We went out once since our divorces and I was really, really hoping there would be some sort of connection since we are older. But he still feels like a big brother to me. Actually when I was first seperated he was the first person I thought of..."gee, I wonder if --- is still married." My mother says to give it some time and maybe I'll feel different. But I don't want to lead him on. I'm 36, btw. Should I take it slow and see what happens or if there's no chemistry now, will it not work no matter what?

Answer 1

For starters, the characteristics he HAS are much better indicators of a successful long-term relationship than sexual chemistry. (Want proof? How long have you known this guy? How long were you married? Which number is higher?)

So here's the thing: you don't think of him sexually because you never HAVE thought of him sexually. That doesn't mean you CAN'T -- it just means you HAVEN'T. So you need to see if you can. And the best advice I was ever given about romance applies here for you: "Feelings follow actions."

He's a longtime friend, right? You trust him, right? Then here's what you do: keep seeing him. Do things together and think about how much you enjoy being around him. Make a point of doing little, affectionate things to and for him -- hold his hand, lean up against him when you're sitting at the movies, go slowly but begin putting in the signals that suggest physical intimacy. And when the time is right, try a kiss -- a real kiss, not a peck on the cheek.

To be really fair, you might mention to him that you've spent your whole life NOT thinking of him romantically, and you're trying to see whether or not it's possible to shift your thinking. That way if you're in a two-minute lip-lock and he starts breathing heavily and you pull away and he's still your third-grade best friend's big brother... well, if nothing else you'll find out whether he's really a gentleman by how he handles that news.

So I'm not suggesting you two sign up for a kinky sex weekend at a waterbed motel (though it'd certainly prove the point one way or the other!) But you need to start adding some romantic, affectionate behavior to your relationship with him and see whether that wakes up something in you.

Because the truth is, somebody who has all the characteristics you describe is a MUCH better candidate for a long-term relationship than a guy who gives you butterflies and not much else. And I'll bet you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about if you're recently divorced.

For the record... when I met the woman I would later marry, she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend. We were part of the same group of college pals for three years before the boyfriend/girlfriend merry-go-round finally lined us up together. Of course, it was slightly different, because we were in our early 20s, and even though I'd been trying not to think of her sexually for the past three years, well, I was a 20-something guy and she was this incredibly hot 20-something babe, and even though we were going out with other people for most of the time we were friends, I'd never REALLY been able to ignore that aspect of her, I just hadn't acted on it.

But why this might be a real message of hope for you is that this all happened for me just over 30 years ago, and I'm still married to the same woman. All the reasons we liked each other before I kissed her still apply -- actually, she sounds a lot like the guy you're talking about: fun, funny, down-to-earth, a great mother to our children, and a hard worker. (I draw the line at "gentleman," though!) Once we started thinking of each other sexually, and acted on it... it was magic. It was like, here's my best friend, the one I can count on for anything, and on top of everything else we're having earth-shattering sex!

And still, for all that, what gets us through time and time again is that deep down, we really LIKE each other. We trust each other, we care about each other, we know we can really depend on each other. I still feel that I'm in love with her (I have to sleep with my back to her because if I turn to face her, I can't stop thinking about how wonderful it is to have my arms around her all night, and I can't fall asleep), but it was enjoying being together that got us to the point that we decided to try the whole kissing thing in the first place.

So that's where you need to take it next. See if "the whole kissing thing" works for you -- but gradually. Warm up to it naturally, with little intimacies that are genuine expressions of how close you've been with him for such a large part of your life, but begin to notice him as a grown man, and yourself as a grown woman. You may be surprised what happens when you open your thoughts, and your heart, to somebody you know and trust.

All the best!

Answer 2

I think you need to kiss him. You don't kiss friends or big brothers, not like really kiss them. SO if there is going to be a chance to feel the chemistry, since knowing him for so long, kiss him. If you do and there is a spark, then there is hope, if it feels like you are kissing a relative, then you will know its not going to work. I think part of what makes it hard is your backgrounds being so similar and knowing so much about each other already, you could fall into the same routine. So I think you just need a way to jolt you system, and see how you feel after.

Answer 3

Give the guy a chance! "Chemistry" isn't always a good thing to go with - you've known the guy all of your life and you have always had a warm relationship with him, why not take it to the next level? Forget about "chemistry" - that's romance novel garbage - give the boy next door who "loves you like a brother" a shot at being the man of your dreams!

Answer 4

If you like him, i'm sure you can think of ways to try to make it work.