My son made me feel really bad, how can I deal with this?

Question

I have 2 grown up children, a girl, 25 and a but 23. Both great kids. My husband has always loved both, but it's true he's always showed much more love to the grl, though I'm sure he loved the boy the same. This hurt our son, a rather sensitive boy, especially during his teen yearsb and he's always though his dad and even me love our daughter much more than him. H's always been a very good boy, even during his teen years never got in trouble. In fact, my husband was harsher on him than on the girl, so he grew up kinda resentful. Well, it happened that we had a problem and needed help. Our daughter couldn't help us and he could. He did, gave us a great help, but said kinda bitterly and resentful that it was kinda ironic that it washim, the child we despise and put aside, that helped us in a difficult moment. He even usedthe word trash to mean what he thinks he is to us. I'm feeling kinda bad, sad, almost devastated. Were we so bad parents to a great son? Will he resent us for life?

Answer 1

if he was treated differently he has a right to feel resentful. You both owe him a huge apology for treating him differently. If you want him to change how he feels his father needs to apologize to him and you need to for not trying to stop it.

Answer 2

Well, you made your bed and now you own it. Even in your own words you claimed favor to you daughter. I think that is a shame. I would be so hurt as you son is now. Will he forgive you, that is his choice to give you that forgiveness and I hope he can forgive you both. To carry this resentment and pain of lost parental attention around for as long as he has, is a punishment he does not deserve and he is now the only one who can let it go. He sounds like a loving kid to help you feeling the way he does, In my opinion I believe someday he will let it go, until then do some acts of kindness and love that are just for him. Show him now and in the future that he is equal to the daughter and loved as much. Favor to children in deed is wrong. I have a favorite kids out of my six, but the rules were the same across the board for all. I get on better with one of my kids because our personality blend better, but the expectations for our kids were equal. I am sorry you and you son are having such a time, But he loves you and that is a great place to start.
Sincerely,
Tracylyn S

Answer 3

What people don't seem to realize is; what every environment you grow up in as a child, Creates who you become as an adult. He is probably going to carry the resentment for a while. As a family everyone involved in his life, should agree to get family counseling; including the daughter. This way all issues can be discussed and a process of resolution can be made to heal old wounds. Then he may be able to start living in the present and forgiving the past.

Answer 4

Write a letter to your son telling him how sorry you are that he feels unloved. Let him know how proud you are of him and what a pleasure he was to raise. Tell him how terrible you feel and how you want to form a new relationship on an adult level. Your husband needs to let him know how sorry he is that he didn't pay enough attention to him as a teen and how proud he is of him. Maybe the three of you could plan a trip together or start spending time together doing fun things (bowling, movies, dinner theatre, opera, ballet, ball games etc.) to re-connect. The past can't be changed, but you can let him know you regret making him feel second best and want to work towards a better relationship now as adults. Try not to be defensive if he brings up old things---he needs to flush it out of his system to feel better. He's a good son, obviously and you're caring parents. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Well it sounds like you've validated your son's feelings in your question. Where did you think this would end up? Even if you yourself did not favor your daughter, you allowed your husband to openly do so. You're feeling "kinda bad" which I think is far, far from "almost devastated". Which one do you really feel? If you feel kinda bad, you're probably never going to be able to fix this with your child because you should feel devastated by what he said. If you truly are devastated, you need to talk to your son and reassure him that you love your children equally. Then you need to talk to your husband and try to get him to understand what an emotional toll his favoritism has taken on your son. I hope this hasn't also ruined your son's relationship with his sister. Good luck.

Answer 6

It's OK. I think your husband did it to make his son a man one day. In obviously your son became a man and he was the one who helped. He (your son) right then in there showed he is reasonable. Sometimes the one child that your hard on becomes the better adult. But maybe your son needed that hardest from your husband. I don't think he did it because he loved him less, every child is to be treated differently encoding to there personally. And maybe your husband knew your son was kind of soft "the good boy" and he need a little roughness to survive this world we live in. In trust me there's nothing wrong with having a good kid "the good boy" I have one. And believe it or not sometimes am rough with him, to let him know not every one in this world is not going to be your friend or like you, and that there's mean people out there. So how he (your son) was raise maybe it was a good thing. Don't feel bad about it. It's made him into the man he is today. Let him know you love him. Call him in ask how he is doing. Things like that. In have your husband do it to. I think it's going to be OK. But you do need to call him talk to him and maybe now he can understand it. And always let him know you love him.

Answer 7

Tell him that you love him and no one could take his place. I use to feel the same way about my mom and my brother, I felt she loved him way more than me. I have come to understand, now that I am in my 30s and have my own kids, that no matter what, it is impossible to treat two children the exact same way. I love both my children but they are two different people. And I know that they sometimes feel that the other gets better treatment. You as a parent can do your best to fix this problem by just loving that child the best that you can and by letting them know.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like the three of you need to sit down and talk. At least you and your son. You need to really listen to why he feels the way he does. If every time the subject comes up, you just tell him that you DO love him that's not addressing the issue. There has to be some reason why he feels the way he does. This is not to say that you don't love him but he is entitled to his feelings. Sit down and listen to him and tell him that you understand how he feels and you are very sorry for making him feel that way. I hope all gets resolved and you both begin to feel like you have a wonderful relationship.

Answer 9

I think you are an awful mom,

I have 8 wonderful kids and I love them all, not the same but i treat them the same. They all need to feel loved and a part of the family, My kids take advantage of my kindness sometimes, but the rewards are so wonderful when they send me a note telling me they still love me.

One son sent me a card that said 'kids need their momma even when they are all growed up.' He is 24 years old.

Answer 10

There is always a chance to forgive each other. If you feel you did anything to hurt him, ask for his forgiveness. If he is just having an attitude forgive him. Pray that he will be forgiving and let go of any resentment he may have. Sounds like he needs to grow up a little.

Answer 11

yes you guys are bad parents. mostly the dad though. i too am a son who was treated this way and im sorry to say this but i still hate my parents right now and its been QUITE a while. its not as much your fault because you liked both equally kind of but you shouldve taken time to tell him that you love him like you love your daughter