What is wrong with my 5 year old?

Question

My oldest daughter is 5 (almost 6) and in kindergarten. We have two younger daughters and a baby due in May. Our house isn't always tranquil but we have a large family and it's always happy. Lately she has started lying about small petty stuff, she cheats at games with her sisters, she throws temper tantrums, she threw a brush at her dad, her entire attitude has done a 180 and I don't know what to do. She's the oldest so she gets to do little things that the younger ones don't get to do because I want her to feel like being the big sister is fun. It just seems like all of a sudden she's not my daughter anymore, any suggestions?

To try and answer all the questions, she gets rewarded for being good. If she does her chores and gets green marks in school then she gets to do something special, like going to McDonald's with just her father or I, or spending the night with a grandparent by herself. She's very well behaved in school and always receives very high marks and has never had an issue, she gets rewarded for that as well. When I want her to do something I will ask her first, if that doesn't work then I will tell her in no uncertain terms what I want done, I don't give her a choice. There are times where I have said "You can do this my way or your way, it's your choice" and tell her what will happen either way. She will then usually pick the correct way. It's just been here in the last week or so that she's gotten like this and I don't know what to do.

I appreciate everyone's input, some of it was hard to read, but could very well be what's going on. We try very hard to spend special time with each of our children, but with both of us working full-time and the three of them all going to different places, time is tight. We reward them when they're good at school, but it's easy to overlook when they clean their room by themselves or something like that because we expect that from them. I guess she is just like the rest of us, she needs to know she's done well even if it's what we think she should do. She does go to kindergarten all day and she is totally worn out at night, she goes to bed by 8 and is up by 6, so lack of sleep is a good possibility for the moodiness. We try not to make her take care of her sisters, she's not the mom and I tell her that daily when she tries to do things. I think she feels like I don't need her. I love all of my chidren, no matter what they do, I think I need to show her in a more effective way.

Answer 1

I would try my hardest to spend more one on one time with her. It sounds like your doing good at that already, however children could always use more time with mommy:) Another key, is she needs consequences for her unacceptable behavior. I am assuming she probably does more unacceptable things then your able to post, lol. So I will tell you what works with my girls. For cheating on a game, they'd not be able to play anymore. For lying, throwing tantrums (at her age) and throwing a brush at her father, in my home would get them a spanking. I am surprised your husband put up with that, most dads I know would have her over his lap in a hear beat. For the more minor things, do what I call my 3 strikes rule. 1. warning, 2, time out or taking toy away, and 3 spanking. Works like a charm, you may have to follow through with a spanking 2 or 3 times, but soon you'll get to the time out, and see the light go on in her head. That's when you know you've made progress. Feel free to email me should you wish. I have girls so I understand what your going through

Good Luck

Answer 2

I'm not saying I know for sure that this is what's going on, but here's what I picture:

She's at an age where kids lie, and since she's the oldest she may be doing what a lot of older kids (especially when they're not all that much older) do, which is take advantage of the younger ones by cheating. Maybe she's sick of not having enough time with her parents alone, and maybe she gets aggravated at having the younger ones around, so in frustration and anger she gets super-upset.

Its possible, too, that she doesn't want to be "assigned" to being the oldest one. Maybe she feels like she's being pushed into being a big sister when she'd really like to just be herself and just be a little girl.

Again, I have no idea if my guesses are at all close; but I think you should talk to her (not a big, serious, talk but just kind of a light talk about what's good about being her and what is hard about being who she is or being the oldest), and see if she'll just tell you what bothers her about things that go on. If you can have a nonchalant talk with just her (or even with all of them, and give them all a chance to say what they like about things and what they wish was different), she may be the one who can let you know what you need to be doing.

Also, though, try to make sure she (and the others) each has special time alone with just you and then special time alone with just their father. Special time alone with a grandparent or aunt on top of time with you can also help a child not feel lost among a crowd. Even if you could just take her out for a little lunch for an hour or so, talk as if she's a grown-up friend (within reason), and have some laughs it could help.

You say it seems as if she's not your daughter anymore. Maybe she's feeling the same way these days.

Answer 3

I can see three possible reasons. The first, and least likely, is a medical problem. I am assuming she is a healthy young girl.

Secondly, as another answerer pointed out, she is asking for attention. Remember, if she doesn't get positive feedback from you, negative will do just as well. Attention is attention.

Thirdly, you and your husband aren't the leader of the pack. A family unit is not unlike a wolf pack. There is an alpha male, and an alpha female. All other members of the pack know this, and stay within the parameters of the alpha leaders rules. If you aren't the alpha female, she will take over.

Do you end an order to your daughter with "okay?". I.E. "Pick up your toys, okay?" Remember, they are your children, not your friends. Who is the adult?

Kids will try to please their parents, as you are their immediate role model, but they have to know what you want. Set rules and consequences, and be consistent.

Only you know what is happening in your house, and the best thing for you to do is sit back and analize the situation. I hope this gets you thinking, and I hope things work out for you.

Answer 4

The scariest thing to me is your last sentence.

And believe me, this is her greatest fear, and what she is testing in you.

Look at it from her point of view, mom... She was queen bee, then all of a sudden 2 more little people came along, and now another?!! She will have very little "childhood" and she knows it.
Let her be sad. All those behaviors are because she doesn't have the skills or vocabulary to let you know how she feels.

Give her some extra TLC; talk to her each and every time she lies or cheats or throws a tantrum---don't give her negative attention/punishment. Just calmly tell her: "We are not going to let you lie (cheat/steal, whatever) just because you have strong feelings. We are going to help you grow into an honest girl who tells the truth, etc." She needs lots and lots of reassurance.

But guess what? She IS your child, she needs to know she is valued, can't be replaced in your family, and nothing she does behavior-wise, is going to take away your love.

Answer 5

Try sitting down with her when she is having a good moment and ask her what is going on. If you try to do it after she's acted out you won't get anything out of her. If she won't talk to you try getting a grandparent or other relative she's close to to talk to her. If that doesn't work try the counselor at school. My daughter is also 5, actually she is the younger of twins. She was physically abusive to her sister and their older brother. She would pull hair, kick, push, bite, you name it when she didn't get her way. She wanted everything done her way or she freaked out. We tried everything from timeouts to taking away priviledges and toys to giving the other kids extra priviledges for their good behavior. We tried taking turns with the kids as special helper for the day so they each got one on one time with mom or dad and help with whatever we were doing. Nothing we tried worked. I finally talked to the counselor at her school. She is a great student, her teacher never has any problem with her but I just didn't know where else to turn. The counselor saw her in one on one sessions once a week for several months and now has her in a group session. I don't know the specifics of their conversations but it basically comes down to this: she felt like she wasn't getting enough attention and she would get mad, also she if the other kids didn't play by her rules she would get mad. The counselor told me that she said when she got mad that it made her feel better to hurt someone and then she got mad at herself for hurting someone and on and on and on. I found out yesterday that she told the counselor that she didn't want to mean anymore so she just hasn't been. We have noticed a marked improvement in her behavior...it's like she's a different kid. Our problem was not a recent one. She's behaved that way since she could walk at about 13 months, it just got worse as she got older.

Answer 6

does she go to kindergarden all day? She may be being worn out. Maybe try giving her more sleep? or maybe she is just looking for attention. With two younger siblings and one on the way, and with her gone all day and her sibling's home with mom all day she might feel left out. Maybe try spending one on one time with her. Take her for ice cream once a week and leave the others home. Hopefully this helps.

Answer 7

Ask her if something is bothering her, tell her you are worried....You could ask her teacher if there have been problems at school as well. My granddaughter already does most of those things, she'll be 5 tomorrow, so maybe it's a phase

Answer 8

nothing is wrong, she just wants attention. when i was 5 i was jealous of my little brother *he was 2*. Shes just jealous. Umm... Just tell her that shes the big sister and thats a special and good thing. think positive!

Answer 9

There is a great book called "Learning to talk so kids will listen and learning to listen so kids will talk" or quite close to that. If you go to amazon.com and read about it, it really worked for me when I ran into this scenario when my son was 4, When I was "active listening" it was surprising what he told me and what he really was upset about. Hope this helps. wendy

Answer 10

It sounds like you have your hands full - is this a cry for attention from her? Has she figured out that she gets more attention if she is bad than if she is good?