any good jokes?

Answer 1

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Answer 2

A Guy walked into the local welfare office,
marched straight up to thecounter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather havea job."

The social worker behind the counter said,

"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said,
"You're bull shittin' me!"

The social worker said,
"Yeah, well . . . you started it."

Answer 3

There was six guys beating up dis man in the street...another guy stood der watching. a women walked past and said..to the guy watching 'arent u goin to help?' they guy replied no six should be enough ..lol

Answer 4

Clean Plates
Little Johnny went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather. While eating the eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film- like substance on his plate. "Grandfather," he asked, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, Little Johnny noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his burger, his grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As Little Johnny was leaving the house, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." said Little Johnny.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

Answer 5

an Irish family froze to death outside a theatre last night while waiting to see a play called "CLOSED FOR THE WINTER"

Answer 6

Woman are like net virus:
they ENTER ur life
SCAN ur pockets
TRANSFER money
EDIT ur mind
DOWNLOAD their problems

but they giv a lot of smile & comfort at the same time.(JUZ FOR FUN)

Answer 7

what do you call a man and a woman in a car































a man and a woman in a car sorry best i can do rubbish i no

Answer 8

Is it an Orange?

Answer 9

What's long, brown and sticky?...... A stick!!

Answer 10

whats orange and round?

















































an orange