am i selfish?

Question

my boyf n i live hav a long distance rel,i rarely see him.we've talked about marrige,im independant n live on my own,he lives at home as his mom is ill,im movivng back to my parents as it'l be easier to see him n easier for me as im in debt,hes now told me whoever he marries he wants to live at home as his mums ill.i understand he wants to look after her bur i dont know if i could handle living with his family,they're nice peple but i need my space without seeming rude n selfish n i need time to be alone with him too i wouldnt feel comfortable makin nookie knwing his family are there,should i stick with him giving up what i may need to make him happy.i dont know what to do.help.

Answer 1

If you want to move back to your parents do so, and take your relationship with your bloke as each day brings it. Neither of you are selfish for having your own needs and wants, and it seems pointless breaking up with him now when moving in together isnt even an issue.

take things a day at a time, and when and if he asks you to move in or to marry him, weight up THEN how you feel. Talk to him about maybe getting a place nearby so he can be close but he also has his own space.

i just think take it day by day cos your feelnigs will change

Answer 2

Do not move in with his family, I did that with my ex as his mother had left his father, who could not have afforded the house if we were not there and it put major pressure on our relationship. It was not the main reason we split but it was one of the factors. You have no privacy, arguments are witnessed by all and discussed at length, even when it is none of their business. You have no time to yourself and the whole house knows your business. You won't just be living with him, it will be his sick mother as well remember. It sounds as if her illness is long term, either that or he is making excuses for a future you have not properly discussed. Think long and hard about this one. Privacy is something every couple needs even if there is nothing major you need to do or discuss, it is just nice to have the space and freedom. Starting off your marriage looking after someone else when you should be looking after each other? Tough decision and one you will have to think about. He is already putting his mother first before you, is that something you could cope with? Good luck. x

Answer 3

Move nearer to him get your own room or with parents and maybe look into getting a home with a granny annexe so you can help out with his mum but still have your own space make some ground rules for both sides eg knock before coming in or communal area and own space if you give up then your'll always wonder what if and he must be a good guy to stand by his mum

Answer 4

I do not see it as selfish, though he has an ill mother, it is understandable he would want to take care of her, but he should also respect that you would not like to live there with his family as well, so fairly, I see him as being more selfish than you.
What anyone ever tells you, never give up anything that you want, because if you do just to marry him, then it will make you unhappy and the marriage will not work, it will leave everyone feeling battered mentally.

Answer 5

he seems like a very loyal man. Who loves his mum. Speak to him and let him know how you feel. You may change your mind after living back with your parents for a while.

Besides there are plenty of places to be alone with your man without being at home. Be adventurous!!

give it a bit more time. it may work out.

Answer 6

It's a huge decision to make and a huge sacrifice for you, whatever you decide. You might find it's not nearly as bad as you think living with his family and soon get used to it ( I lived with my in-laws for a couple of months when in between houses and I loved it, but it drove my husband nuts! ). You have to decide for yourself whether you love him and want to be with him enough to make this compromise. If not, the only sensible thing to do is split up. All the best of luck with your decision and future life.

Answer 7

A man that wants to stay at home is married to his mother, yes she is ill and you said they are a nice family, so Im presuming there are other members, for gods sake, he can't expect you to live with his mum.whats wrong with him visiting her every day.
the answer to your question is No I dont think you're being selfish. I think he needs to think long and hard what he really wants.

Answer 8

There is no right answer here - you just need to decide on the course that you can live with in the long term. No one else can tell you what to do.

Answer 9

if you love someone it should mean that you are willing to share the hardships with them. mom won't be around forever and one day you will be old and maybe you will be fortunate enough to have children that love you enough to take care of you. if he is only staying there to take care of her because she is sick then that means that he is a caring person that is willing to except responsibility and should make a good husband and father.

Answer 10

YES A LITTLE BIT SELFISHNESS IN THERE. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE. MARRIAGE IS A COMMITMENT AND SACRIFICE. IF YOU STILL LOVE HIM,JUST GET MARRY WITH HIM FIRST. ANY PROBLEM AFTER THAT, YOU JUST DISCUST WITH HIM. IF YOU STILL WANT TO BE IDEPENDANT AFTER MARRIAGE, BETTER DONT GET MARRIED.