My mother is NUTS...this is killing me?

Question

I'll try to make this as short and simple as possible, but the history of this relationship is just a total mess...

Basically, my mom and I have NEVER gotten along, not since I was born (literally). My mom has always resented me and always been very jealous of me. Even my grandma (my mother's mom) had said so. I've been verbally, mentally, emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused by my mother since I was a kid. If it weren't for my maternal grandma and my Pops, I'd probably have killed myself so many years ago, but these two amazing people helped me see who I REALLY am and to remain strong and overcome the hardships I'd been through.

Now is the hard part: I need to break with my mom. I've tried to break contact with her before, but I always go back because she makes my life even MORE miserable by telling insane lies about me to the rest of the family in an attempt to isolate me.

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She's been diagnosed as bi-polar, but she doesn't take her meds and it doesn't seem like they help her much anyway.

While I was pregnant, she verbally and emotionally abused me and even tried to get me to do dangerous things in hopes that I would lose my baby. As it is, I gave birth to my daughter 3 months early from complications and even THEN my mom was so fake and tried to make the whole thing about HER! She's very attention-seeking.

Since my daughter has been born, my mom is STILL trying to control my life. She even insinuates that *I* am the "bad parent" and tries to bully me into parenting the way SHE wants me to. I adore my daughter and will NEVER ever allow her to be alone with my mother. I think my mom is just really jealous of my bond with my daughter (who is 1) as well as with my stepdaughter (who is 14)...my mom often tries to get my stepdaughter to be against me (but my SD and I are very close).

(continued below! sorry!)

She's been diagnosed as bi-polar, but she doesn't take her meds and it doesn't seem like they help her much anyway.

While I was pregnant, she verbally and emotionally abused me and even tried to get me to do dangerous things in hopes that I would lose my baby. As it is, I gave birth to my daughter 3 months early from complications and even THEN my mom was so fake and tried to make the whole thing about HER! She's very attention-seeking.

Since my daughter has been born, my mom is STILL trying to control my life. She even insinuates that *I* am the "bad parent" and tries to bully me into parenting the way SHE wants me to. I adore my daughter and will NEVER ever allow her to be alone with my mother. I think my mom is just really jealous of my bond with my daughter (who is 1) as well as with my stepdaughter (who is 14)...my mom often tries to get my stepdaughter to be against me (but my SD and I are very close).

(continued below! sorry!)

By the wa, I'm 28 years old and married and live with my husband and kids.

Anyway! So my actual question is: HOW do I get away from her??? Every time I'm with her I get SO depressed and I stress myself out for weeks...it's NOT healthy for me to be around her, nor is it healthy for my daughter to see all this going on. My husband HATES my mom and wants me to just break it off, but I know my mom would try to get the rest of the family to go against me and my family is very close-knit...I'd miss them, like I always did before.

Some people have told me that I should just "deal with it" and still see my mom because she's "my mom"...while others understand what I'm going through better and they tell me to just stay away from her as much as possible. I try, but I always feel guilty!

=( I'm very sad about this. I wish I had a normal mom.

Here's more info: My grandma has been dead for 10 years and I don't want to cause problems for my Pops since he's not doing so well health-wise right now.

I've told my mom how I feel and I've asked her WHY sooo many times, but she refuses to answer me. She's very dillusional. She just ignores me when I stand there asking her WHY and even crying. I'm a very open and honest and blunt person...I say it like it is. But I'm so hurt by her that I feel like a little girl whenever she abuses me.

I can't just up and move...I have a life here, my husband has a good job here, etc. I refuse to let her run me out of my home too! I actually live about 20 minutes away from her, but that doesn't stop her much.

Answer 1

People that are bi polar can be very difficult to deal with especially if they do not take their medication. May I suggest that you limit your contact with your mom to visits where there are other family members or other supportive people with you. If you find that you are becoming stressed by your visit/contact leave. Your family members have probably struggled with the behavior of your mother from time to time and are likely to be aware of what may or may not be true. Although you say you have overcome hardships in the past it would be a good idea to connect with a counsellor to discuss what has happened to you as you were growing up. You will learn skills to protect yourself and to assert yourself so that you do not feel victimized. Also, there are support groups for people who live with or are friends with someone who is bi polar. They would be a good resourse for you and also give you the support you need to make the decision to either keep in touch with your mom or to cut ties completely. They will share their knowledge and what they have done to cope. Don't forget that there is a world full of great people out there that would love to be your friend. Perhaps it is time to focus on the family of friendship so that if your family starts to judge you harshly you will have others who love you and will be there for you. One other thing. Your mother cannot help that she is bi polar and she may not always see that she has a problem. She may believe what she is saying. Things appear differently to her, distorted and not as they really are. Learn more about this disorder. It may help you to understand that it is the illness that has made her so difficult and unloving. It must hurt to have had a childhood without a nurturing loving mom, but she would have if she could have. Take care of yourself and your family and good luck.

Answer 2

I know it sounds very cruel, but to save yourself and your family, you will have to just cut her out of your life. Tell her directly not to contact you by phone or come over to your house. If necessary, get a restraining order against her. I am sure many people will say this sounds harsh. I know she is your mother and it sounds as if she needs help from a mental health professional; whatever help she is getting now is NOT working. It may be the illness that makes her act this way, but after all these years, it is NOT your problem anymore. I have known a few bi-polar people and they are not cruel like your mother. They may get delusional on occasion, but during more lucid times they get back to their "real" personality. There is no reason for the way she is treating you. Do not let her poison your life. It sounds as if you have made a nice life for yourself.

You are absolutely correct not to let her near your little baby. I would not let her have contact with your step-daughter either.

If your mother is lucid when you talk to her, you may want to tell her that when she can respect you and your family, you will be willing to see her on occasion.

Good luck to you. It is hard for those who grew up in happy homes to understand what it was like for you.

Answer 3

You need to move away...I am being serious. Even if it is in another city. You need to move and don't let her know where you are moving and don't give her your phone number. If you do give out your personal information to other family members tell them that they are not to give out your information as well. You need to break the ties with her. She does not want to help herself by taking her meds so why should you have to suffer for that? Everyone has choices and you need to make the choice of making a better life for yourself and your child. There is no changing her circumstances or what she does.Just remember she could really do something drastic to hurt you and your child. You are not a bad daughter or a bad Mom you are just in a really bad situation. I pray God will bless you.

Answer 4

Nice as your grandma and pops are to you they seem to be getting along with your Mom? Experiences change people and sometimes mothers want to live their lives allover again through their children. Be careful how you deal with your Mom because your children are watching you. Ignore all the negatives no matter how painful and determine to be nice to her inspite of herself. Humor her. If she sees that her "attacks" are not rattling you in anyway she will stop and think. Love conquers all. It never fails. It takes and keeps taking and gives back warmth, care, joy kindness and goodness. Its hard I tell you but you can do it. Try. start with small issues and work your way to weightier matters. Cuddle her. Hug her. Send her greeting cards. Give her surprise gifts,take her out to the park. Find time to talk to her nicely about anything and everything. Make her your friend. Get the family to work with you. Have someone remind her of her medication. Organize surprise dinners. Work at it. Your mother needs help. You seem to be the only one that can effectively help her. I am a Christian and I tell you prayers work in these matters. As you pray you reach out and touch her deply in the heart. Dont give up. Never give up.

Answer 5

In some situations such as yours, i believe that the only way you are going to get over these feelings and anger is to cut all ties with your mother. You need to begin to heal yourself from this terrible past she has reigned on you since birth. Children are supposed to feel like a gift to their parents, not a burden. For her to make you feel this way is a huge mistake on her behalf. There is no need to feel any guilt if you decide to to break contact with your mum... as long as its for the right reasons. These reasons being that it is for your best interest and no one elses - not hers not your grandparents or your other half (if you have one!) its got to be for you. You need to cleanse yourself of all of the negative energy that she brings into your life. Move on!
If she insisits on telling these lies to your family, let it run off your back. If they are your REAL family then they will know who you really are and they wont ever question that. Dont worry so much about what your family will think of you if she tells these lies. In the end, she will be uncovered for everyone to see. From what is sounds like she is using the lies as a method of bringing you back because she know you will make conact once again in defence.
You deserve so much better than this. before you do this, make sure its what you really reall want. Once youve decided, take the step and walk away. Once the first step is taken, youll be running for miles before you know it and never looking back.

Answer 6

Just walk away hun. She has done enough to you that you do not need to take it anymore. Let her tell the lies no one will believe her anyways. Stop taking her calls and just let it be. If she has not been your mother up to this point she never will be.
You are doing the right thing for your child by not letting her be alobe with her. And you are doing the right thing byyou and your child by breaking off all contact with her. One day she will wake up and see that she lost out on everything in your life and your childs and she will have no one to blame but herself.
Enjoy your baby and forget her.

Answer 7

You have no obligation to your mother at all. You do have an obligation to your children. Do you want them to be exposed to her craziness? There is no way on earth I would ever even let any kids of mine near someone like her. Its time for you to cut the cord of abuse and start living sanely with the possibility of joy in your life. Let her go. You dont owe anyone any explanations or excuses.

Answer 8

i dont know if my idea sounds good to u. but why dont u ask ur mother why she treated u this way? i feel the same way about my mother, she never support me in everything i do. she never there 4 me. she never go to my school to visit me. (i was in boarding school). but we had a terrible fight early this year. i threw things at her, i shouted at her. and i feel very sorry. i went to ask 4 my mom's apologies since then we became best friends. but i dont know if u'll ever accept this idea, but my advise to u is just ask ur mother. ask her what did u do wrong that makes her treat u this way? ask her if there is sumthing u can do so that she'll stop treating u this way. i think my grandma is really a shoulder to cry on, so do ur grandma. i always went to my grandma to talk about things that my mom do. but the best way is still, ask ur mother about that.

Answer 9

This may sound mean or whatever, but basically you have to say (not to her face of course), "You, know what mom? Screw you." If she really is talking crap about you, let your family members know what's up. Move out of town if it bothers you this much. You should not have to deal with someone like that, EVER.

Answer 10

Just make a clean break...Family knows how she is and if they choose to believe her stories, that's their problem...You have a new family with your husband and kiddos, just leave mom out of your life...