My 13 yr. old Daughter lied to have her first kiss.?

Question

Straight A, MVP multi-athlete, multi-instrument musician, long distance runner, 8th grade (skipped kindergarten, never do that again). Well behaved by today's standard and loved by her family, teachers and coaches. And today my wife overheard her on her cell phone talking to her friend. She said she told mom that she had to stay after school for practice, but she's really going to "kiss him for the first time". Rules no boys in middle school, and any date in high school, we have to meet him and his parents. Plus she lied. Step one, we called coach to confirm she didn't have to stay after school, and will be picking her up before and waiting until her basketball game. She doesn't know she knows yet, but she didn't argue when we told her, so I suspect that once again, she's caught. But this one is serious. What do we do next. Conservatives, liberals, and teenagers please respond. I would like to have a complete and open outlook before I over or under react.

a couple of typos.

And the rules are, there are no "boys" in middle school. She doesn't know we know.

Yes, I do sometimes sound like a "shrink" and that's when she goes "blah blah blah" (sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not.) Good advice, keep it coming.

Jake- Forgive me for sounding like a shrink but the inability to control or question your reactive emotions can kill relationships or cause you to do things you regret. We're human, we make mistakes by nature. "You should feel how you feel" is an excuse to be wreckless.

Still not sure what to do yet. We already have a close and open relationship, but since she turned 12 (her friends now were 13/14) she appeared to start doing things and acting like she was older. Again, I don't care how smart the next one is, no more skipping grades. Anyway, she has done a couple of things to make us not trust her as much, but I'm sure nothing big by today's standards. Well she didn't get a chance to have that kiss afterschool because her mom picked her up and took her home to shoot hoops before the game, and after the game, I'm taking her out to starbucks for hot chocolate, since we talk the most there. Still not sure if I'm going to bring it up yet. But I'm glad, and I know she will be, that i waited. Because whenever we do talk about it, I'll be alot more rational than I was when I found out, and I'm willing to be more patient. So is mum.

.... and yes they had fun shooting hoops....

Answer 1

I don't think you're overreacting too much, and I know I HATED it when my parents pulled stuff like this. (I'm only 20 right now). She's only thirteen though, and to me, that's still pretty young. Maybe you should explain to her your reasoning though. She could think (like most kids her age) that you just don't want her to have any fun. On the other hand though, if you don't give her any freedom, she might start to rebel... and lie more.

I can see your concern. I have 13 yr old cousins, and I can't see them not even worried about cooties anymore..

So here's my advice. Pick her up like you've already planned, but don't go crazy with yelling. Give her an adult conversation - she deserves that. Explain to her that you may be overreacting, but she's your little girl and you don't want her growing up too fast, or getting into trouble that she might not know how to handle yet. Explain that you want to give her some freedom but at the same time don't want her lying to you, and if she has issues, to bring them up with you and maybe compromises can be made. But you won't be able to stop her from doing things like kissing. That can be done at school, and if you 'harass' her too much, she may start acting out on her own.

Good luck with this. I know I for one was really tough at that age.

Answer 2

I think you might be overreacting. She seems to be a responsible person, and the lie doesn't seem to be a very big one. There are a lot more teenagers out there doing a lot worse nowadays. Whatever you decide, don't do anything that would damage the relationship you already have. It might have been a good idea to have talked to your daughter as soon as you and your wife found out about this. When your daughter finds out that you knew and didn't call her on it, she might not trust you again, since you weren't upfront with her from the beginning. She hid something from you, and now you are hiding something from her. Also, let's be real here. There is not a single girl that I know of who is actually going to follow a rule with any part of it being "no boys." That's what teenage girls are into. If you really want things to work out with her, try being more flexible. From the way you worded your question, it seems like you're approaching this situation as if it were more like a math problem than a personal problem. Try having real conversations with your daughter about other things before approaching the issue of boys. Once she feels safe with you, she will open up to you more. When you make "rules" for her, make sure she knows your reasons for making the ones you do; keep an open mind, and be willing to compromise if she thinks certain rules are just too strict. Chances are that you will be able to find a somewhat-happy medium, and you will have fewer problems like these in the future. However, I can't stress enough that you can't let something like this come between you and your daughter. Make sure she knows that you love her unconditionally, and no matter what she does, that will never change. That's the most important thing.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have an intelligent, well-rounded daughter with a good head on her shoulders. Before you and your wife over-react (and it sounds like you already have- just a little) ask yourself....has she ever given you a reason not to trust her? Why not explain to her why you have decided boys are off limits. Talk to her about sex, openly and frankly. Talk to her about it often. The more you talk, the less interesting it all is to her. Parents today are often strict w/ their children about the opposite sex yet they don't discuss it openly. Kids today know a lot more then you'd think. Give her the benefit of the doubt. A kiss is just a kiss. She's not sleeping with the boy. Don't embarrass her. Don't accuse and don't punish. It will make her more secretive. The best thing you can give your daughter is to show her she can come to you about ANYTHING without worrying about being punished, criticized or embarrassed. The more open you are and the more you educate her, the better choices she will make.

Answer 4

You should really talk to her. I'm a teenage girl (14 yrs old) i know how they think. This is only the beginning. Talk to her so she can feel that she can confide in you or your wife. If she's able to confide in you then she won't be afraid or ashamed to come to you when she really needs you.

Maybe you put too much pressure on her. If she doesn't want to do anything don't make her. She's only 13 and she's going to start having certain feelings that she's never felt before. Just think back to when you were our age; you know how it is. Tell her not to lie again but ease up a little, but don't give her too much freedom or she might take advantage of it.

Don't stress her too much if she's doing good in school and she has good behavoir skills let her have this kiss. Your first kiss is something you'll always remember and it's precious to a girl. She sounds like a good kid so just go a little easy on her.

Answer 5

Talk to her about lying, not about the kissing the boy. She's getting involved with the peer pressure about boys even if she doesn't want to. I was 14 and 9th grade and still thought of boys as brothers, but was swept up in the peer pressure and kissed a boy. I didn't tell my parents until I was 21, but my parents kept a good eye on me so I didn't do anything else. Just make sure if she need to do something that you make sure there is an adult there and the supervision. Kids nowadays do too much too soon and parents are trying to be friends with their kids instead of parents. Tell her that if she lies again that you will take something away or not let her do something. That's a hard age and I am not looking foward to that part when my daughter gets there. Good luck.

Answer 6

I agree with Mia.

Let her live her own life, sounds like you're conditioning her too hard. Sounds like the mother who makes her daughter sing or dance to live her lost dream.

If you're too strict on your kids now they'll rebel at some point in time. Don't force them to do, or not do something just because of a reputation of what your family or friends will think. She's not a show thing, I doubt she gets straight A's and is in two sports, and im music on her own accord, im sure you pushed her quite hard.

Lastly, that last sentence is just horrible. You want to know how you should feel? You should be making up your own mind! You should feel how you feel!

Answer 7

My opinion is to punish her. Yes she is good in school but that can easily change. From my personal experience, she needs to be punished or else she will continue this. Your not ever reacting. I was once the good child with good grades, up until I was 12. My parents tried to teach me from right and wrong but it did not stop me from lying. As for the boyfriend, give her a break & let her "date" him. I think she deserves it. Just do not let her go alone anywhere with him.. She will also probably get mad... ignore it & she will be happy you did later on in life

Answer 8

don't just start yellin at her and do not just go in and talk to her like your a shrink just kinda see if she wud lie more like be like coach called and said that u weren't at practice i think u shud let her tell u r important to her she wud want u to no about her first kiss but shes not gunna tell u tell her she shudn't lie but tell her she has to wait till high skool or maybe ask to be introduced the guy and just tlak to her bout it don't yell and do not treat or like ur a shrink or sumthin that makes teenagers the most mad she rele cud be doin a lot worse that kissing so just tell her u wish she wudn't becuz u wud rele like to meet him first don't make it hard for her to where she doens't want to tell u nehting cuz u make a big deal out of everything there is a problem wiht the lying u do need to tell her that was rele rong but don't talk down to her or act like again i've said like a million times but don't act like a shrink!

Answer 9

talk to her, tell her you know that she lied to you. yeah she'll be angry at first but in the end she'll learn not to mislead her parents. and maybe if you try inviting the boy to your house for dinner? i know your rule, but would you rather her be comfortable and open with you? or would you rather her keep lying and hiding things from you. at least if they are hanging out at your house you know what they're up to. if she feels she needs to rebel against her you'll find her getting into all sorts of trouble! i went through a similar stage when i was a teen.

Answer 10

ok im younger but ok if she is into all that n smart u rly think shes just goin to run around with all kinds of guys n stuff trust her a lil bit and tell her u heard her on the cell n that if she wants to see him sh ecan with adult supervision n u want to meet him n 8thgrade is almost high school neway