Who has a fabulous religious joke?

Question

Or non-religious, either way...grouchy, could use a laugh..
Thanks! =0)

Answer 1

Bettie, check your mail. I just sent you a joke.

I won't say it publicly becaue it is pretty disrespectful.

Answer 2

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" Said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" Asked the priest again.

"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" Asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" Asked the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" Sighed the priest.

Answer 3

Bible basher, Billy, was giving a hard time to John, a believer of Jesus.

Billy said " And that story about Jonah. Do you really think he was in a whale's belly or is that just an illustration?"

John started to get tired of this conversation and told him " Well, when I am going to go to heaven, I will ask him. OK?"

Billy insisted going on with the argument and said " What about if Jonah is not in heaven, how can I know then? "

John said; " Then you ask that from him" : )

Answer 4

Okay, keep in mine I'm an Heathen. ;-)

A Heathen dies. After walking along a road for a while, he comes to a fiery place filled with smoke, stench and horrible screaming, and recognizes several Christians writhing in the flames. He exclaims, "No **** ! So the Christians were right,
and I´m going to Hell !" "Don´t you worry", said a valkyrie riding by. "Asgard is just round the bend of the road.
This is Muspellheim and its fire-thurses... we try to accommodate everyone !"

What is a heathen idea of a balanced diet?
- A horn of mead in each hand!

Answer 5

Catholic priest, Protestant minister, and a t.v. Evangelist are talking about how much of the offerings they collect on Sunday each keeps for him self. the priest says that he draws a circle on the ground then throws all the money in the air and says what lands in the circle is the lords and what falls out is his.the minister says that he does the same thing only what lands out of the circle is for god and what lands inside is his the Evangelist say that he throws the money into the air and what god wants he'll catch

Answer 6

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!'

Answer 7

Adam's Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Answer 8

Jesus, Moses and an elderly gentleman were playing golf. Jesus steps up to the tee, swings, and hits the ball onto the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and knocks the ball into the hole. Moses steps up to the tee, swings, and hits the ball into the water. Moses walks up, parts the water and hits the ball into the hole. The elderly gentleman steps up to the tee, swings, hits the ball into the water, it hits a turtle, bounces in the air, a bird catches it,drops it into the tree, a squirrel pushes it out of the tree, it bounces on the ground and a rabbit pushes it into the hole. Jesus says, "Come on dad, are you going to mess around or play golf?"

Answer 9

God brings Noah back to earth...
" I need another ark, Noah, and you're my ark specialist."
"Certainly Lord. Same as last time?"
"No. It needs to have lots of levels, and it's just for fish."
"Fish, Lord"
" Yes, those fancy ornamental ones people have in ponds."
"Lord, you are God, so I probably shouldn't ask, but are you sure about this?"
"Well, I am a little surprised myself, but I just keep getting more and more prayer requests for a multi-storey carp ark."

Answer 10

What do Billy Graham and the Detroit Lions have in common?

They can both make a stadium full of people stand up and yell, "Jesus Christ!"