What has locked you into making the same relationship mistakes again and again?

Question

It is very rare for people to make real changes in their behavior based on previous mistakes. Often people make the same relationship mistakes again and again. It is helpful to look at the reasons why people seem to get stuck in a cycle of repetition compulsion. So, what locks you in and prevents you from learning from your own mistakes?

Answer 1

I didn't grow up in the most stable home as a child, so since there had been so much punishment in my home, I sought out relationships where I was abused, unfortunately in many ways. It took me years of introspection to understand my level of responsibility in ending up in relationships like those. Not to sound as though it was my fault, I had just learned the wrong way and had the wrong view of myself and my worth. What happened to me as a child happened and it can't be undone, so as an adult I have had to accept those experiences and now I know that I was the victim of circumstances that were beyond my control. Today I am in a healthy and stable relationship with someone who values me and my history. So for all of those in troubled relationships, you deserve the best weather you realize it or not. Take some time to understand yourself and your upbringing to outrule any abuse or wrongdoing where your thinking or emotional health may have been compromised...Remember that just because you were raised a certain way doesn't mean that you have to keep it with you forever, let it go and let yourself grow in a more positive direction. It was a scary and painful journey for me, but I am grateful to have made it through and found my way to a man who knows my worth and treats me the way I deserve to be.

Answer 2

I'm 55 yrs old and the guys I get involved with don't seem to be like anyone I have ever been with before but end up being the same. I can't stop a relationship after being lied to one time even though I know I should. I'm afraid that if I let them go they'll change and I'll miss out on what may have been a good relationship. I don't hold anything that has happened to me in the past against the next person I meet. I'm proud of that fact however, I need to learn to set boundries. Not sure what I'm doing wrong and know that I'll find someone someday and am not in a hurry. I like dating different people and having new experiences. There are limits stated at the very beginning of each relationship. I see more than one person at a time and when I feel as though I am getting too close, I tell them so and don't see them anymore. Usually a few months later I get a call from them and a friendship developes without sex. I can separate the two but haven't yet been able to combine them to form a more fulfilling relationship. I have moments where it bothers me but for the most part I am ok with the way things are right now.

Answer 3

I have a friend who does this exact same thing. He hollers and moans about how for the past 15 years he has been involved in nothing but drama infested relationships that are far more destructive than anything I've ever known one person to be involved in. 15 years. A learned behavior. Living inside the safety box. And feeling justified each time one of these relationships comes crashing down to a bitter end. And then he places the blame on someone else so he, in turn, can be right. However, this knowledge doesn't make me a rocket scientist. Anyone on the outside usually is in a better position to see the Big Picture. If anything, all this knowledge should tell anyone is that my friend is just an 'old dog' in dire need of some new tricks.All that side, I would say drug and mental problems are the sole blame for bad behaviors in the world. It's really that simple, but the solution is a difficult one. Diagnosis, treatment and management are all very difficult things to pursue on your own without any outside help. This being said, it's no wonder so many people have trouble in relationships, because these same people have trouble perservering through the day-to-day struggles of life.

Answer 4

You can drown your sorrows in alcohol and presecription meds, spend money you don't have and end up with credit card bills you cant afford and have sex with the first available guy/girl who will have you. Or, you can think back to the last time this happened. The self-medication/alcohol binge almost ruined you, the meaningless sex only made you feel cheap and the crap you bought didn't make you happy only made you broke, and make a contientious decision to do it differently. Not just lip services but actually mean it, breath it, LIVE IT. Start going to the gym, regularly. Endorphins are the feel good drugs your body gives you when you exercise, plus you're bound to look good too. Take a class, start a new hobby, volunteer your time to a charitable organization. All these things will help make you feel better about yourself.I have a friend who does this exact same thing. He hollers and moans about how for the past 15 years he has been involved in nothing but drama infested relationships that are far more destructive than anything I've ever known one person to be involved in. 15 years. A learned behavior. Living inside the safety box. And feeling justified each time one of these relationships comes crashing down to a bitter end. And then he places the blame on someone else so he, in turn, can be right. However, this knowledge doesn't make me a rocket scientist. Anyone on the outside usually is in a better position to see the Big Picture. If anything, all this knowledge should tell anyone is that my friend is just an 'old dog' in dire need of some new tricks.

Answer 5

The answer is within the Dr's question: people, especially when we grow older (and not necessarily wiser), do not easily change. Our character forms at a very young age. By the time we are about 18, the character and certain behavior patterns are already set and will not change. It will take a lot of willpower on our side and a true desire for a change. So, when we fall into the same mistake over and over in the relationship, we are just trying to make the other person change (not ourselves) and make the other person adjust to the way we are. When this fails, we look for another person and try these mistakes again and see how well the "new victim" would take it... if it fails again and there's no change to our liking, we try again... It's a vicious cycle until we either find someone who compromises to our needs or until we finally see that it is time for us to make certain changes. Plus, I noticed that many people now-a-days became way too selfish and stubborn to be in any kind of relationship. So, maybe it is better to just be single after all. They say single people live longer...You can drown your sorrows in alcohol and presecription meds, spend money you don't have and end up with credit card bills you cant afford and have sex with the first available guy/girl who will have you. Or, you can think back to the last time this happened. The self-medication/alcohol binge almost ruined you, the meaningless sex only made you feel cheap and the crap you bought didn't make you happy only made you broke, and make a contientious decision to do it differently. Not just lip services but actually mean it, breath it, LIVE IT. Start going to the gym, regularly.

Answer 6

Pride and fear of the unknown. My husband of ten years was having an affair when I was pregnant with our second child. When I found out, I hit the roof. When he wanted to reconcile and come home, I wasn't listening. At all. My control is my biggest enemy. It has been and was all during our marriage. Whenever he messed up -- perhaps the lawn got too long or he wasn't helping out at home with cleaning or finances -- I let him know. We had some other problems too that weren't so everyday, but I held his feet to the fire. All the times I was kind and loving were overshadowed by my selfishness and desire to teach him a lesson. I mostly cared about what he was not doing instead of what he was doing. I looked at what I didn't have instead of what I already had.

Now that I've said that, my biggest reason for repetition of sick relationships is my desire to control. Beyond that and behind that is fear and pride. I have learned this last year and a half through a painful divorce and a move cross-country and being a single mother of two that I can't control anyone or anything except my mouth. I have to shut up and be quiet if I want my life to be different. Ever heard the expression, "bring the body and the mind will follow"? Well, it's true and it's working for the first time ever.

I now see where I've been wrong. I am not a victim. I am a grown woman with a part in my history. There is no excuse for infidelity, but I sure didn't help the situation. I know that God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason. I'm looking forward to this new year and a new me. I am grateful for the opportunity to change.

Answer 7

I think unconsciously people are stuck in cycles and dont' realize it. We are attracted to people w/ the same issues and it is the issues or problems or drama or whatever that people are all attracted to. Even with therapy I think people can see their mistakes and paterns in relationships, and not just romatic relationships too, but what attracts us to that person or whatever is hard to break becasue without that quality, where's the feeling?
Ok I am using a lot of generalities. The domestic violence cycle is a good example, especially for people who have grown up around violence. But that one is too obvious and easy. The compulsion is not always the other person. What you bring into the relationship can be the issue. People who are insecure may always suspect the other of cheating and do so w/ every relationship because the person does not feel he or she is good enough and the other will stray.

As for me, I just get bored after a while. All the guys I have been with were very different from each other. I get very head strong in relationships when I feel the other speron does not take any initiative. Like, come on dude, do something! Talk, or push for something, go out and achieve! Every man I ever met was going somewhere then either got there and stayed or quit trying. Maybe I'm too type-A... and that's my problem.

Answer 8

One reason is because a person believes they have become wiser once they have gone through a break-up after they talk to and recieve advice from many people that they know and love. At first, you go through a stage of learning and thinking about all the mistakes that you made. So you begin a thinking process of "I will never do that again, or I won't ever let that person do that again." But, in all actuality, the person may not even know half the mistakes that were made, or they may believe they were right and it was the other person's fault.
After the shock of the break-up is over, and the person moves on with life. It seems they do try harder in new relationships to change some of there ways. But, the problems is, people get comfortable in some of their "bad" ways or habits after the tramatic event that made them think about the mistakes. So, after being in a relationship for a little while, that person becomes comfortable again, and slowly fades back into things that they were previously comfortable with.
Not every person makes their same mistakes over and over again, and I believe part of that is because the new person is different, and may not provoke the same actions.
So, the moral of the story is, if you are not completley insane, and are a very kind, loving, level headed person, stay the way you are, if you are not, learn how to be. If you still have a problem with your "significant other", then it must be them.

Answer 9

A learned behavior. Living inside the safety box. And feeling justified each time one of these relationships comes crashing down to a bitter end. And then he places the blame on someone else so he, in turn, can be right. However, this knowledge doesn't make me a rocket scientist. Anyone on the outside usually is in a better position to see the Big Picture. If anything, all this knowledge should tell anyone is that my friend is just an 'old dog' in dire need of some new tricks.All that side, I would say drug and mental problems are the sole blame for bad behaviors in the world. It's really that simple, but the solution is a difficult one. Diagnosis, treatment and management are all very difficult things to pursue on your own without any outside help. This being said, it's no wonder so many people have trouble in relationships, because these same people have trouble perservering through the day-to-day struggles of life.

Answer 10

I have a friend who does this exact same thing. He hollers and moans about how for the past 15 years he has been involved in nothing but drama infested relationships that are far more destructive than anything I've ever known one person to be involved in. 15 years. A learned behavior. Living inside the safety box. And feeling justified each time one of these relationships comes crashing down to a bitter end. And then he places the blame on someone else so he, in turn, can be right. However, this knowledge doesn't make me a rocket scientist. Anyone on the outside usually is in a better position to see the Big Picture. If anything, all this knowledge should tell anyone is that my friend is just an 'old dog' in dire need of some new tricks.

Answer 11

Living inside the safety box. And feeling justified each time one of these relationships comes crashing down to a bitter end. And then he places the blame on someone else so he, in turn, can be right. However, this knowledge doesn't make me a rocket scientist. Anyone on the outside usually is in a better position to see the Big Picture. If anything, all this knowledge should tell anyone is that my friend is just an 'old dog' in dire need of some new tricks.All that side, I would say drug and mental problems are the sole blame for bad behaviors in the world. It's really that simple, but the solution is a difficult one. Diagnosis, treatment and management are all very difficult things to pursue on your own without any outside help. This being said, it's no wonder so many people have trouble in relationships, because these same people have trouble perservering through the day-to-day struggles of life.