I've been told by a close friend that I scare them. Yeh, that hurts. We were messing about and I put him in a wrist lock, he said ouch, your hurting me but for some reson i carried on for a bit. It's hapened before too.
Personality wise, I'm always on guard. I don't like to let people close although once we're going out then it's ok.
Basically this is playing havok with my love life. Guys are scared of me and even the brave ones are stone-walled. What can I do? How can I be a more trusting person? How can I sort out what seems to be an unconcious agression?
Help me, please.
2007-02-13 04:55:32 · 14 answers · asked by Moi? 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
It sounds like you have a dominant personality - which my saying that might be preaching to the choir. You like being in control, because when you're in control - you aren't suprised, and you don't get hurt. Right? Continuing on when he told you to stop - maybe just testing your boundaries?
Now this can be a personality type and just the way you were born, but I've found that others who have felt like this were hurt emotionally when they were younger. The people who were made fun of in grade school, maybe even something with family! If you can't control your situation when you're younger, often you try to control it when you're older and able. (And, often, it spills into everything in your life.)
One way to become more trusting - at least this helped me - was to find someone with what felt like infinite patience. No rushing into anything physical, just getting to be friends. Then ease in from there. Taking it slooow step by slooow step helped me - because it became comfortable. I had to force myself to do a lot of things at first - I would have rather had my teeth pulled out one by one than say how I felt about someone special. But when he felt the same way, it gradually got easier. (Not going to lie, it still freaks me out still - I can just get over that much more easily) If they give you infinite patience, you give them your best darn shot at trying to be who you want to be. (An unguarded, loving, and trusting person for example.)
Option two - and give it some serious thought - therapy of some sort. You're not the only one who's ever gone through something like this; actually far from it! People who work with others just like you can offer you some really good insight into not only what's going on - but how to deal with it. They can show you in a few sessions what might take you years to work out on your own.
In the end - there's nothing wrong with being guarded - sounds like you just don't want to be guarded against EVERYBODY. So focus on that. Focus your efforts on letting your guard down with people who are deserving of that honour!
2007-02-13 05:12:15 · answer #1 · answered by country_girl_in_a_city 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You send like an ex "friend" I had... but the fact that you are aware of your behavior means you are definitely able to get help. Is there any way you can get free counseling? Say at Girls Inc. or at a university you're enrolled at? Defensiveness is often caused by guilt. What is making you feel bad? Do you feel as if someone has hurt you and you are trying to get revenge through these guys? When you start feeling the need to hurt people, realize what you're doing and just stop and do nothing for a few minutes. Excuse yourself and tell the person you need a time out. Other than that, it sounds like you really need to open up and let all this out with a trusting person. Once you get more comfortable with it, you will have less tension and maybe less aggression as well.
2007-02-13 05:57:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think what you need is a good long talk to someone who can give you constructive help? See if you could be referred by a GP to a counsellor - they really do help. Also I attended a womens weekly meet based on CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy, to help me resolve a constant fear I had of a previous boyfriend and bad experience. It was fantastic - gets you to think about things in a different way to how you normally would and therefore, actually CHANGE things - it was a great 'get-together' also, considering we were a bunch of strangers. Contact any local 'women's centre' or Citizens Advice Bureau to see if anything is available in your area. I can't recommend it enough and maybe leave guys alone until you've had some proper 'me' time. Try not to worry too much - there is obviously an underlying' issue that just needs to be got out of your system. The very best of luck to you x
2007-02-13 05:07:18 · answer #3 · answered by happiness_5 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think maybe you have been hurted before so that you do not let anyone to hurt you anymore. The key is to forgive the person in the past and after you are done with your past, I believe that you can have a new start. And also, maybe if people say something, do not take it personally, just laughing (not sarcastic laughing), no need to make any comments. If you think about making comments, please re-think as if it will hurt the other or not. I believe you will go through this :) God bless!
2007-02-13 05:07:05 · answer #4 · answered by whiteangel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this is for a psychologist to give advice on, not me. I am defensive also, my mum is the same. If there has been something bad that happened to you in your past, this can effect the way you behave around others as you have been hurt in the past. Talk to someone you trust and love about what's getting at you. Maybe that is just the way you are, no reason for it at all. If this is the case then just try to let go and relax around those around you. Try not to trick yourself into believing they are trying to harm you in any way, unless they really are.
Good luck
2007-02-13 05:03:22 · answer #5 · answered by ellietricitycat 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me like you enjoy seeing people in pain or discomfort, or yu like to annoy people. It's not really a bad thing just a flaw that people have. I have a friend like this but im kinda used to it now. To be honest i cant really think of anything to make you stop doing this because its your personality. You and only You need to overcome it and try to get this flaw out of your head, or satisfy it with other things, like in the bedroom for example (If you go into intimate relationships that is) hope this is some help to you
2007-02-13 05:10:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I empathise because I'm 6ft 7 and built like an all in wrestler. Just because I'm a muscular woman people find me frightening. I just kept my husband in a head lock till he said yes to the vicar.
Anyway don't worry get some counselling praps that will sort it out.
2007-02-13 05:02:37 · answer #7 · answered by : 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sound to me like you been hurt in the past,an by you fighting back, it keep you from being hurt again, now trust, is a hard thing to get,it take years to earn a person trust,,, an to the guys you hurtting must be ,easy to hurt,lol may be you need to find you a old country boy,,, they can take the pain, an most love a good tussel
2007-02-13 05:03:09 · answer #8 · answered by ghostwalker077 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some men like that sort of treatment. Just do it in a more sensual way.
2007-02-13 05:00:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you could subconsciously be pushing people away if you're physically abusive... perhaps you're afraid of getting to close and so you push in this way to isolate yourself. i'd talk to a therapist about this if you can.
2007-02-13 05:02:48 · answer #10 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋