Parents, I need some advice!!!?

Question

We are dealing with a situation where my 40 yr. old uncle lives in my grandma's basement and is strung out on cocaine and can't get a job. It's been a problem for almost 3 years now. We have confronted my grandma on the issue but she refuses to admit that there is a problem or believe that he is on drugs. She just thinks he is still hurting form his divorce and that she needs to be there for him. We can't even make her understand the legal side of allowing him to do drugs in her home. She wants to take my children for the weekend and I just cannot allow them to be in a home where drugs are present. I know it's going to upset her and hurt her feelings. But I want her to understand that as long as she is allowing drugs into her home, than she will not have my children over there. Their safety and welfare is far more important than her sons issues. How can I explain this to her and make her understand the severity of the issue?

Thanks to all who have answered, you are helping tremendously. Just to add a few details, we have tried to confront my uncle. He just thinks we're all out to get him & refused to talk to any of us. If we are there, he is in the basement hiding. Also, my grandpa is passed away, so it's just my grandma & my uncle. We have tried everything but the intervention and calling the cops. Even if he went to jail, grandma would bail him out. None of us can afford any type of rehab for him, so that's why we haven't tried an intervention yet. We have confronted grandma,but she just gets mad and demands that we leave them alone. I know I need to stick to my guns and just tell her the way it is, but it's very hard to do. I wish she would see the situation for what it is & do something about it, so I don't have to keep my children from her. It's a very hard situation, I appreciate everyones advice. Thanks so much!!

Answer 1

JUST TELL HER. DON'T BE MEAN. JUST SAY IT. AND AS FAR AS THE UNCLE GOS HAVE THE COPS COME OUT THERE. IF HE HAS DRUGS IN THE HOUSE THEN HE WILL GO TO JAIL AND YOU WANT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIM AND HE CAN GET CLEAN.

Answer 2

You are REALLY in a tough position!! I admire your commitment to your children and your crrect logic to put your children's saftey first. Mom is obviously in denial and I don't think this is something YOU are going to be able to convince her of. Maybe it's time to "go over Mom's head". What about a family intervention? Do you have a support network of folks that will back you? Is Dad involved? The "Uncle in the basement" needs a wake-up call and so does Mom, but even more than that, your family is going to be torn apart by this eventually and "sides" will be taken. The problem of Grandma not being able to have the Grandkids over may be just the first problem. Get together with Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, Uncles, friends of the family., and plan how you can all help this situation and these people you care about before the whole thing explodes. In the meantime keep your babies safe, no matter who gets their feelings hurt

Answer 3

You need to give her a reality check!! Tell her it's ur children well-being, that u can't allow them in her home when u know there r drugs being used. until the situation changes the kids can't be left alone with her-don't worry about hurting her feelings if she knows whats going on-if not get her proof-3 years is to long to keep being depressed over a failed marriage get REAL!! Write down what ur going to say, the give her a copy so she can look @ it once in awhile & realize why she can't have the children. It's in her court now-her choice. Good for u for standing ur ground-ur a good mom !!! Good luck Luv Donna :)

Answer 4

i think you did just fine with what you said and you keeping the kids from her is how she will see the big picture.. maybe not right away heck she may even be mad at you for a while.. just stick to your guns! your doing the right thing!

have you tried talking to him your uncle?
I personally don't think anything would happen to your kids if they were there for a weekend now if they were living there it is different!
but if you don't feel right leaving your kids there the DONT no matter what anyone says!
your gut will not steer you in the wrong direction!
tell her she can see the kids but she has to come over!

i know it may suck but call the cops on him! then she will see the truth quicker when her house is raided.. just don't tell the cops who made the call for that!
and no one but you will know!
That their sucks to do but sometimes you have to do some sucky things to make things right!

sucks to do that but watch last nights verson of 24 if you think you got it bad the guy who wants to save the world has to fight his father cuz his father gavepeeps nuke booms and oh it's just crazy!

Answer 5

Your Grandmother is enabling your uncle to be the way that he is. You are enabling your Grandmother by confronting her about her little boy; allowing her to deny her little boy's problem. That way he doesn't even have to face the issue. The only thing that you can do is what your instinct as a parent tell you. It is the only force that can break your Grandmothers parental gaze toward her son. When she sees that her actions could hurt her grandchildren, she will see the picture for what it is. If she doesn't, then it really isn't a safe place for your kids

Answer 6

You stated it very nicely. If Granny wants to see your kids , then she can come to your house. Granny is also in deep denial about your uncle, so quit trying to change her mind. That's her son and he can do no wrong. In her own mind, I'm sure she realizes that a 40 yr. old man still living at home has some serious issues, but she doesn't want to deal with them. But stick to your guns... your instincts tell you to keep your children safe. Your children's welfare is far, far more important that Granny's hurt feelings.

Answer 7

I don't honestly know the right way to handle this. It sounds like she loves her son so much and feels bad that he is hurting, that she just can't bring herself to admit he has a problem. My ex-mother-in-law has a son who is gay. My ex-mother-in-law was a pastor's wife (her husband died), so the notion of her son being gay was not something that she could admit and still feel good about in church circles. He even told her he was gay, and so did my ex-husband and me. She simply couldn't admit it. She kept referring to his partner as his roommate, and the reason for him not wanting to find a girl and get married as him being "afraid that having sex would hurt a girl". This woman was in extreme denial. She has finally come to terms with it, but it took a long time.

While it's true that many mothers like to coddle and baby their adult sons (i.e., "Everybody Loves Raymond"), this goes too far. Perhaps getting some resource materials that you can sit down with her and discuss would be helpful. I think that if she saw printed materials that detailed the very symptoms her son is having, and if she saw statistics in writing of how drug use affects the body and the statistics on arrests, drug-related accidents and deaths, etc., she might have her eyes opened up enough to at least admit her son has a problem. Once she can finally admit it, then she is going to need some help with trying to HELP him with his problem. It sounds as if she may already be aware of his problem but is unsure of what to do about it that won't put more stress on her in the process. Perhaps if you and other family members would be willing to pitch in together to help her deal with your uncle and get him the treatment he needs, then this will take a lot of stress away from your grandmother because she will know that she will not have to deal with her adult son's very serious drug problem by herself. That's a lot to have to tackle by herself - especially if she is old enough to have a 40-year-old son. That would make her likely at least 60 years old. People in that generation are not as familiar with how to deal with these types of issues. She is going to need family support to deal with your uncle. You are right to not want your children in that atmosphere. Best of luck to you all.

Answer 8

By telling her what you just stated, your children's welfare is important and you feel uncomfortable with them being around somone on drugs. If she refuses to believe you, you must be strong and firm. Let her know your home is always open, but until the issue at her home is taken care of, the children will not be staying overnight.

Answer 9

From my own personal experience this is going to be hard to do. My grandmother allowed my father, aunt and uncle to live in her home will my father and aunt did drugs and my uncle sold them. I walked in one day to bring her some groceries and her medicine and I walked in on my uncle and his girlfriend packaging crack cocaine. I am the oldest grandchild and my grandmother wanted me to allow her to keep my daughter and her feelings were hurt when her No #1 (this is her nickname for me) told her that I would not allow my child to come there as long as they were there. I was always afraid when I went there that the police may run up in the house and bust my uncle for selling drugs. I explained this to her and I told her that I was afraid for myself but that I would continued to come because she needed me to make sure that she ate and got her medicine. I tried to get her to come live with me but she wouldn't. My grandmother never understood why I wouldn't allow my daughter in that type of environment.

Answer 10

unfortunatly if she isnt willing to believe the problem, she may not ever. just be honest and tell her the kids wont be going over there.maybe you can try getting some pamlets or books or movies about cocaine, and maybe she will realize that this is how your uncle acts and behaves, so sorry good luck