How can I get my 14 yr old stepson to help out more around the house?

Question

He thinks it is my job alone to take care of the housework. He tells me that none of the kids he knows do as much or are expected to do as much as he is. I just basically want him to make his bed before he goes to school, toss his laundry in the hamper, help load the dishwasher after dinner. I really don't think it's asking a lot. There was a 3 day discussion over my 'Chores' list, not with me, but between my husband and stepson. I don't believe my husband ever had to do anything around the house when he was a kid, so it's all pretty foreign to him too. He does think he should help out more, but he thinks I should be the 'enforcer'. He just doesn't have time for it. Anyway I was just wondering if I'm expecting too much from my stepson, is there some kind of reward system I should try? Does anyone have any ideas? I'm a first time stepmom, I have no kids of my own, and I really don't want to be too hard on him. I don't want him to grow up and look back on his youth with anger.

Answer 1

I am a stepmom in your shoes.

1. Your step son is capabable of helping around the house. Your hubby and you need to be a unified front and MAKE your stepson do his chores.

2. If he doesnt do his chores, then start taking priviledges away. BOTH of you need to do it--together so that you aren't coming off as the wicked stepmother/badguy.

3. It is YOUR house and your HUSBAND'S house. NOT your stepson's. Your stepson has NO say whatsoever in the household as he is only 14. My stepson is also 14.

4. DO NOT be afraid to put your foot down. DO NOT be afraid to have your husband BACK YOU UP. Your stepson needs to see that you and his dad are on the same page.

5. This kid will be living with you for at least 4 more years. He needs to learn to follow the rules of the house, contribute, and be an involved member of the household by not leaving all the work to stepmom. He is using you, and its being allowed to happen.

6. ALtho its hard at first, remember YOU are the adult and what you say goes. Period! You are not expecting too much--only what is natural and normal for a kid his age. He needs to learn to do these things as he is not a baby anymore. He might fight you on this a bit at first, but take some things away (TV, video games, etc) and watch the change.

Good luck! I am in your shoes and its taken some time. I have been married for almost 4 years and my stepson, 14, lives with us. He doesnt want to do chores, but he loses things that are important to him if he doesnt do them. I dont care anymore if he gets mad at me--I am the adult and I make the rules.

Hang in there! You will make a great stepmom!

Answer 2

Hey softhearttoo,

You're in a tough spot but you can all grow from this experience.

For starters, you have to get your husband on-board with you. That is the only way you will be likely to make much headway with your stepson.

While sitting down with your husband and explaining your point of view with him doesn't seem to have worked, try it again ... but with a little more insight. Explain how and why this will make his son a better man (emphasis on the future of his son). Tell him ways that will make his son more attractive to what women look for in a man, etc. Point out to him about the need to set a good example for his son. In essence, you are gently telling him some things that you wish were different about him.

If you can find someone, a role model from outside the family might do the trick. Not trying to deflect from his father directly, but if your stepson can see in another man what you're trying to get him do, he might see value in it. Does he have any friends who are doing what you would like him to do? Don't ask your stepson ... ask the parents of the friends. Then you can use it as an example to show him the value.

One thing people tend to forget, while he may be developing bad habits that a future wife or girlfriend might not appreciate, whose to say he will always have a woman around? He needs to be able to take care of himself, with or without a feminine influence.

Keep trying to approach things from different angles until you find one that clicks. If you need some other resources or ideas on parenting issues, check out the link I've included.

Cindy

http://www.family-matters-tidbits.com

Answer 3

Reward system for cleaning up after himself? Heck no! He is a teenager and should be responsible for his own room. I could see if he was doing other things around the house on a regular basis, giving him an allowence or something. But you are talking about him cleaning up after himself, with the exception of the dishes...that is everyone. If anything you should be punishing him for not doing the things you ask of him. Who cares if he is angry for awhile, you need to teach this kid to be responsible. Does he plan on having someone around his whole life to clean up after him? If you continue to let him do this....that is exactly what he will expect from any girlfriend or wife. Men should be able to cook, clean, and take care of children just as much as women. And as far as your husband not having time to discipline his own son.....what is that about? Leaving you with that responsibility is totally not right. First of all...it is his son, he should be the main person handing out punishments. Your husband obviously was raised without having to do things which is why he isn't trying to enforce it upon his son. Let your husband know that you need his support in the punishing of his child. Ground him, take away the things he likes, but do not reward his behavior.

Answer 4

All kids use that excuse that no one they know has to do this or that... it's just that, an excuse. What you are asking him to do is just what everyother parent expects from their kids. I raised two teens who both gave me the same excuse... until I talked to another parent who gave an entire page of chores for their teen.. shut mine up really quick. Don't worry, he will not look back with anger at this. He will grow up knowing responsiblity which is what your job is to teach them. His Dad is not doing his job by making you the enforcer, he also has the responsibility of teaching his son that we all pitch in and do what is needed as a family. He just can't handle the fact that his son is whining about it and he backs off.

Answer 5

No it is not child endangerment or neglect for the adults to have a few drinks at a childs party. A bottle of wine is not going to get a group of adults drunk to the point to where they can't responsibly take care of the children. That being said, if they were very drunk and unable to supervise the children due to the alcohol, this is very irresponsible and I too would be upset at them.

Answer 6

Well his youth is almost over and who does he think is going to do for him when he is out of the house. \
You cook, clean, do the laundry, buy the groceries, etc. and you get nothing in return, yeh right.
if my kids want there clothes clean then put it in the laundry baskets. if they want to eat then do the dishes, and unload the car,
stop doing anything for him and see how he likes it.
do not buy him, shampoo, deodorant, razors, whatever, do not clean his room or pick up after him in anyway, do not do his laundry, he can do his own, some touch love here and keeping yourself in charge is important in this thing. tell him you are not going to do anything for him, cook, do laundry, buy him stuff etc. then stick to your guns be tough, Tell him to do it himself if he won't help you alittle. it will work when he has nothing to wear and not special food in the house that he likes and runs out of deodorant and toothpaste and stuff. go for it you are the boss in the house not the boy.