Got any good jokes????????????

Question

have fun and they BETTER BE FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

Blonde:


A blonde cop caught a blonde woman speeding. He pulled her over and walked over to her car.

"Miss, I'm going to have to see your license" the blonde cop said.

"What's a license?" the blonde woman asked.

The blonde cop tried to think of a way to describe it, "It's small, rectangular, and has your face on it."

The blonde woman searches through her purse and finds her compact mirror, she looks at it and sees that it is small, rectangular and has her face on it.

She hands it to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at it, "Oh I'm sorry miss" the cop said, "I didn't realize you were a police officer too."



What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!


Other Jokes:



A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, "that's ok."

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!


Heaven was filling up, so God decided to only let people in who had really horrible deaths.

The first guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The man began his story.

"Well, I found out my wife was having an affair, so I tried to kill the guy. I found him outside a window of a five story building hanging on to the ledge by his hands. I hit his hands with a hammer and he fell off of the building. When he hit the ground he still didn't die, so I threw a refrigerator on him and he died. And after all of that, I died of a heart attack.

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" so he let him through the gate.

The next guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"Well I was working out in the hallway when I slipped and fell down the stairs and fell out the window. I managed to grab the window ledge but some guy hit my hands with a hammer so I fell off the building. I landed in a bush so I was okay, but then the guy threw a fridge on me!

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" and he let him through the gate.

Then a third guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"You aren't going to believe this" he said, "but i was hiding in a refridgerator...



The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!



Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep.

One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***!!



A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"



One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!



A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!



A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"



A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"

The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".

Answer 2

this isnt really a joke, but i found it kinda funny

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise
with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have
ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why
can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything
for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of
their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent
sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just
to let THEM know who's boss!

Answer 3

Today someone told me that my wife was irreplaceable... ...I think a few pornos and a dishwasher might beg to differ. I broke into an ice cream van last night. I got away with hundreds and thousands. I went out for a vindaloo last night and my **** is really sore today. I can't believe some of the things I do for a free curry. soz 4 ownt My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

Answer 4

There were 3 men that died & they were all standing at heavens gates God asked the first man how he died and he replied I had thought my wife was cheating on my but I wasn't sure but one day I came home from work to my wife lying naked in our bed with a glass of champain in her hand so I asked where he was she wouldn't tell me so I searched the house for him, I went out on the balcony & seen him on the balcony below trying to escape so I jumped down there & pushed him off of the balcony & he fell in the bushes, He still wasn't died so I went back to my apartment unhookd the refridgerater & pushed it off of the balcony on top of the man in the bushes! I felt so bad that I killed someone that I killed myself! God then asked the second man how he died, He said I was watering my plant on my balcony and a strange man knocked me into the bushes & then and then dropped a refridgerater on top o me! Then God asked the third man how he died & he simply replied I was in the refridgerater! Haha!

Answer 5

Sleekseke that was funny

Answer 6

A waitress is taking orders in a restaurant and comes to a table where three Japanese men are masturbating furiously. She is shocked and asks them why they are doing it. Breathless, one of the men replies, "Menu says first come, first serve."

Answer 7

Hope you haven't seen this about these rejected movie titltes before they picked Brokeback Mountain:

- "PRANCES WITH WOLVES"
- "JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON"
- "BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID"
- "THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE"
- "HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG"
- "THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER"
- "DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID"
- "LONESOME DOUG"
- "DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN" - "MCCABE AND MR. MILLER"
- "HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!"
- "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES"
- "QUICKLY DOWN UNDER"
- "BAREBACK MOUNTING"
- "BONE-NANZA"
- "DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ***"
- "HOME ON THE RANGER"
- "OKLAHOMO"
- "ROOSTER COCKBURN"
- "LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"
- "BALONEY PONY RODEO"
- "TUBESTEAK COWBOYS"
- "SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!"

Answer 8

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

I still can't stop laughing.

Answer 9

Why buses afraid of yellow?

B/C they run out of purple.

Answer 10

Grow your own dope, Plant a man.

Answer 11

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Plant a man. Sheesh, that's funny.