My step-father abused my biological sister, my mother and I. How do I now cope with his child's denial of it?

Question

My half-sister, his child, because she was very young at the time, and because he never abused her, doesn't seem to want to acknowledge to me and my biological sister that these things actually happend. She says, " Why do you want to live in the past?" and "That has nothing to do with me, I wasn't there when those things happened, so it doesn't affect me." Am I right in being shocked by her attitude of non-chalance? I just can't seem to get past her attitude that it doesn't matter to her.

Answer 1

you can not make people see what they do not want to see.
learn to deal with your own issues, so your life isn't dysfunctional.
Peace!

Answer 2

You have every right to be upset. People like that don't realize (or appreciate) how lucky they are to have escaped that sort of trauma. I think Dr. Phil had a show about something like this one time, where these two sisters confronted their half-sister because she still had a relationship with her dad, who had abused the two girls when they were younger. The half-sister refused to believe that the dad did anything wrong. Maybe the Dr. Phil site would have some good advice for you. At any rate, I don't know your half-sister, but it sounds like she's being really callous. No decent person would brush off what happened to you by saying that it doesn't matter because it's in the past. Time does not heal all wounds. It will probably take a great suffering or loss in her life to get her to realize that. You can't change her thinking, and you don't need her acknowledgement, anyway. She's in denial. Just go on living your life; the best thing you can do for yourself is to avoid delusional thinking like hers.

Answer 3

When someone denies how we've been wronged, it hurts deeply. It's almost like we are being violated all over again. The pain floods deep into the heart and the emotions are all drawn up again. Then anger seeps out at the person denying us.

How can they be so mean -- when we've been so wronged?

My friend, it is simply a case that your half-sister has no concept of the abuse you've experienced. She has no idea at the depth of your pain caused by her dad. She doesn't feel YOUR pain in the slightest and until she can understand what it is like to be in your shoes, she will never understand. It's painful for me to write that -- but that is the truth -- and the sooner you accept it as such, the sooner you will feel release of your pain in this situation.

Your pain has nothing to do with her -- but in hopes of healing -- perhaps unconsciously -- you have gone to her. If only she could acknowledge it, you believe you'd feel better. I know, I've been there before. If she'd acknowledge you, its almost as if you'd feel justified in your feelings. But sadly, it won't help you because your healing is all about you and has nothing to do with anyone else. This is a key lesson for you to heal.

Only you have the power to heal yourself. No one else has that power nor will they ever.

You need to seek out a group of people who have been in your shoes -- so you can get the understanding you deserve. Perhaps an online group of survivors -- or a local group. They will truly understand the depths of your pain, the trauma it caused you and how it affected your life.

Then, once you've found the support you so desperately need and deserve -- perhaps you can bring your half-sister there too -- (1) to see if she can understand your world through the eyes of others. That might be the single most powerful thing you can do to affect change in her world, and in yours. and (2) to help her heal from this all too. Your sister is a victim, but in a very different sense.

Your half-sister has to look in the mirror everyday -- knowing she is related to a man who abused children. That's an ugly biological fact she will never be able to erase, and in her world that is exceptionally painful. Your half-sister may feel horrible guilt for it because he is her dad -- and she may think if she admits it -- people will think she is a bad person too --because she is after all HIS biological daughter. This may be foreign to you -- but is likely her pain that you are unaware of. Your half-sister needs help coping as well. I hope you can extend that understanding to her one day as well -- being her older sister.

Remember the only person we can change is ourselves.You have the power to change yourself -- and don't ever give that power away and put it on someone else's shoulders! You and only you, hold the key to your happiness.

Best wishes!

Answer 4

Hey, I have a similar situation but its my real brother that denies it
as well as my mother. I think my mom is doing that just to make
herself feel better for being a part of it. People do things like this
because they don't want to remember bad things. As for my bro
well he has other issues as well but I don't let it bother me anymore. I have let all this make me a better person and moved
on with my life. I do still get angry sometimes but I try to remember that all those awful things that happen to me is
the reason I am the person I am today....Your SIS is right about
one thing. DON"T live in the past...doing this only lets your step-
dad have control over your life a little longer...Beat them at their
own game......If he thinks your happy now and have moved on
with things it will hurt him more than you dwelling in the past...
Get counseling if you need to, but let this be the first day of your
fresh start!!! (A fresh start can start anytime) GOOD LUCK)

Answer 5

I'm sure it's frustrating tht she doesn't validate your feelings. The problem is, you can't force someone who is in denial to deal with things they don't want to. The best advice I can give, is to let her deal with it (or not) the way she chooses. Don't expend so much of your energy trying to get her to see something that deep down inside she knows but likely doesn't want to face.

You probably do "live in the past" as she says, but that's because you're working through it...she obviously is not.
Just be her sister and she may eventually see things more clearly. People usually do, when someone isn't trying to force the issue.
Good luck.

Answer 6

You and your mother and sister know what happened, why does it matter what your step thinks? Your mother for her own reasons which I will not invalidate, chose not to do anything about it and so your step probably never did know anything about it. As far as she is concerned , it makes no difference what happened in the past. You know what happened, stop looking to her for validation of your feelings. If what happened still haunts you, you need to speak to a therapist and work out your problem.

Answer 7

They are alot of people out there who has been abused by a family member, it is hard to get over very hard, please go to counseling, and i think your sister, the way she is acting may be her way of trying to deal with it, she also needs to go to counseling, it might even be better if you all go at the same time. Is this pervert in jail?? if not he should be. Good luck and god bless.

Answer 8

She probably just doesn't want to acknowledge those things about her father. She must have put all those memories in her subconscious to protect herself from any sadness from her childhood. You need to just let her be, she'll take care of the emotions in due time.

Answer 9

She wants to have a father and love him. You can keep hating him, let her be.