how do i deal with a 13 yr old girl who is disrespectful of my rules and to my children?

Question

just before christmas we had her over for 3 days, she wanted to do craft work so i let her, all i asked is she tidy it up when finished, my partner and i went out for about 1 hr when we came home my house was a mess the craft stuff was everywhere and his daughter had burnt my son on the chest with a lighter. she had told my kids not to dob on her. i found out about the burn mark when my son stood beside me with his shirt off. i yelled at her about it and she went crying to her dad saying i yell at her all the time my partner thinks it is also my kids fault, and i agree with him my kids know the rules and are held responsible if they dont abide by them. on a sunday when he is at work i have to look after her all day and she backchats and ignores me i dont know what to do about this cruelty to my kids because the dad wont discipline her i have now banned her from being here unless her dad is here for the full weekend we havent had her for 2 months now her dad wont take the full weekend

Answer 1

That's a tough one. Sounds like you and her dad need to discuss the rules and agree on what action should taken if the rules are broken. Most importantly you guys need to show the 13 yr old that the two of you are not only in control but that you guys are united in defining the rules and upholding them. As soon as the two of you can get it together and resolve you issues (as far as parenting all of the children) she will follow your lead and eventually fall in line as well. Honestly, if I were in your position I'd have to question the integrity of a man that would not see his own daughter just because I had issues with her behavior. You obviously put your children first and told him she couldn't come over when he wasn't there. I think he should have had the same concern for his own daughter and spent time with her outside of the home until the two of you could work it out. In the end if you don't resolve the issue someone will walk away literally feeling slighted and full of resentment.

Answer 2

I too have a step child. He is 8 years old. I have a son of my own who is 3 and me and my husband (step son's dad) have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. I have had a really hard time with his son. We got together when he was 4 years old and I was pregnant with my son. And he use to call me names like *itch and tell me to get the f*ck out of his house. Once my son was born he was worse, because my son in his eyes not being his daddies child, took his daddy away from him. His mother didn't help the matter either. She would put things in his head about me. Now that we have been together and had another child of our own not much has changed. He doesn't call me names and so on anymore but he still is hard to handle and he treats me as if i shouldn't be able to discipline him. He also treats my children better than he use to. But I don't feel he will ever show me the respect I deserve.

How long have you been the step mother? Usually respect comes with time. Have you talked to your husband about laying down some rules and letting his child know that you are to be respected and so forth?

She is just rebelling because she doesn't want you kids and you taking her daddy away and maybe he needs to explain to her that shes still special to him and no one will replace her.

Also not letting her come to your house is not the answer in my opinion. That will just cause a wedge between you and the dad. He does need to take more responsibility and be there when his daughter visits because that's why shes there in the first place. This is another part that I have problems with too.

Answer 3

Believe me, stepmom, she is in a great deal more pain than you realize. Showing her kindness and compassion and understanding how painful a divorce is may temper your anger with your stepdaughter. Poor kid. Her father won't even take her for two straight days. She is acting up because Dad is with another woman, suddenly there are stepbrothers and stepsisters who are complete strangers that Dad spends most of his time with. She is a child. She feels rejected and frustrated. Yelling at her is the last thing you should be doing. You are not her mother. Your role is as a friend, a confidant, and a constant supporter. She's only 13. Give her the love and solace she needs to get through the rest of her years as happily as possible.

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.
Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why,
If they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

(Sung in the background): Can you hear and do you care and can't you see we must be free to teach the children to believe and make a world that we can live in.

And you, of tender years
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.
Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by
Don't you ever ask them why,
If they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

Always remember these words, written by Graham Nash CSNY. Read them when you feel anger coming on. Let her read them. It is something for the two of you to do together. Perhaps you can both talk about what it means. Dad too. She is a teenager whose parents are divorced and it is quite normal that she is acting out. Don't leave her alone for now. Hire a babysitter. Perhaps someone you feel can mentor her.

All the best to you.

Answer 4

That girl needs counseling. She may feel threatened because there is another woman in her daddy's life. Also, her father is giving the other kids attention too and they live in a 2 parent household. This could be her problem jealousy or maybe something is going on in her household. Is someone messing with her? Her father needs to talk to her in private or speaking with a professional will help. Remember a lot of children do not like step parents.

Answer 5

in case you have been interior the Marines then you definately comprehend the importance of self-discipline. a number of what you describe is favourite habit and a few isn't. Even the conventional habit would not would desire to be tolerated. it is your job as mum and dad to lead and shape your daughter right into a mature grownup. Your spouse could be deluding herself for a pair motives. it might desire to be which you older daughter became out super so she immediately assumes that your 13 will too no longer understanding how diverse they're. Or if the 13 yo is your youngest she possibly locked interior the that's my infant recurring. the two way you and your spouse would desire to party and characteristic some long severe talks approximately your new child and mixing your parenting varieties. do no longer sacrifice your destiny existence at the same time via fact of a bratty new child. they're going to do each and every little thing they are able to to play you off against one yet another for their short-run excitement. besides the undeniable fact that youngsters improve up and in the journey that your fortunate circulate out on their own and then that's basically you and your spouse. My son replace into basically like your daughter probable worse (she feels like considered one of his girlfriends so have her drug examined). it might have been incredibly basic for my spouse and that i to split up yet instead we worked at the same time and it made our marriage enhanced. do no longer provide up undergo in strategies you're a husband, a dad and an ex-marine. better of effective fortune!

Answer 6

Obviously the problem isn't the girl. The problem is her FATHER. For one thing she is in puberty, a difficult time for females...or did you forget? Secondly her father doesn't seem to pay any attention to her when she's there...Banning her from visiting her father isn't the answer. The answer is to get HIM to do his JOB as a parent, which he obviously is NOT doing. HE has a responsilbity to his daughter and he is shirking it. I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship with a man like that...it wouldn't make me very confident of the way things would go for us in the future, that's for sure.

Answer 7

She probably is jealous of you coz you're with her father... You can talk to your partner and tell him that he's gonna lose you if he doesnt pay attention to her situation... What she does really is disrespectfull but end of the day she's just a kid who is having her puberty times... Talk to her dad and you also try to be a friend to her... She is going through to hard time... Every child is same at their puberty times...

Answer 8

If she is coming over to visit her dad then he should be there the whole time she is visiting. Its his visitation, not yours. And you are completely right in making it be mandatory that he be there because it is his responsibility to discipline her if she misbehaves, not yours. If he is this lousy of a father, he must be a real doozy of a partner.

Answer 9

Talk seriously with her dad - there are many institutions that hold counseling for children like this for FREE - I am retired from the police dept & we would refer them to our Juvenile counselors or to the family's Church. Make this a family project - since SHE obviously brought the whole family into it. This will show her that she has your support & that you all are willing to work together (instead of making her father chose sides). Call your local police departments juvenile department & ask them for a listing of free counsling locations that are convenient to you - at least if this doesn't work out between you guys, it's not for lack of trying AND this will also set a good example as a role model for your children, should they have to encounter something like this in their future.

Answer 10

that little girl needs a serious attitude adjustment. she needs to realize that it is YOUR house. and i totally agree with you, that if she cant abide by the rules than tough luck little girl. just because her dad is dating someone new...or whatever it is y'all are doin, she needs to realize that she cant be a little ***** and acting out. there needs to be some form of open communication on HIS and HER part. and his not taking the full weekend isnt YOUR fault, he needs to put some effort into it.

gl with your situation!