HELP, I don't treat my son equally!?

Question

My son, who is 5, is the biological son of my husband. Although he is not my biological son, he thinks he is because I have been in his life since he was 2 and his biological mother is not a part of his life. I also have a biological daughter who is 6. For some reason, I find that I am harder on him. He will do certain things that will set me off, but when my daughter does the very same thing in a different circumstance, I don't get angry with her at all. I do try to be fair and all rules apply to both children, but it seems as though I must have some sort of biological attachment to my daughter and not with him. I do think that he may be able to sense my emotional distance. I don't readily take hugs and kisses from him than I do from my daughter. I don't want him growing up feeling like his mother never loved him. The psychological effects can really affect his life when he is older. What about other people who have adopted children??

Answer 1

You say he thinks of you as his biological mom. For his sake, I hope that you can learn to treat him like a biological son. My parents divorced and my father remarried when I was 8. My stepmother made it clear through words and actions that she didn't love me as much as my sister (who was also her stepdaughter). I heard from other members of the family that I reminded her too much of my mother. That really hurt me. What the heck did I do to deserve this treatment? Afterall, like Get Real said, when you married his father, you should have made it a priority to treat him the same as your daughter. People need to address these issues before they remarry and kids are put into these situations.

I really commend you for acknowldging there is a problem. As the adult, it's your responsibility to straighen this out. Perhaps you should spend more alone time with him and start readily accepting those hugs and kisses. As the mother in his life, you are going to have a profound affect on his self esteem and his future relationships with women. I don't think you feel this way just because he isn't your biological son. Sometimes people just aren't as close to some people as they are to others. Remind yourself everyday that he is your son and go the extra mile to make sure you treat him with the love and respect he deserves. Never treat him differently than your daughter. I think you can form a very special relationship that you both will benefit from. How and when that happens is up to you. Now please go give him a big hug and let him know how much you love him. Good luck!

Answer 2

At least you realize that you treat him differently. Now that you are aware of it I would suggest talking to a counselor or psychiatrist about it. You need to find out why you treat him differently. Do you really believe it is because he is not your biological son or is there some other sort of tension between you? Perhaps you just clash. It's important you figure this out so you can go about changing your behavior. When you married his father you knew he would be your stepson and that you would be raising him. I believe when you marry someone with kids you have a duty to treat their kids like your own, especially if the other parent isn't involved. The sooner you learn to treat him like your daughter the better. It will be detrimental to him if he sees you treating her differently and favoring her. Do you want him to grow up feeling that way? I don't think you do or you wouldn't have posted this question. I think you will both feel better when you get help. What does your husband/his father think about this? How does he treat your daughter versus his son? Good luck to you!

Answer 3

I have two step children and no biological yet. However I do think you have different relationships with each child weather they are biological or not. I love my children very much. My son was five and my daughter 2 when I came into their lives. (Biological mom disappeared for four years). I noticed I had a closer relationship with my daughter than my son. I believe this was because my daughter was just a baby and didn't know her biological mom and was also more affectionate than my son. My son had his mom in his life for five years and knew her and felt like he couldn't be affectionate with me, he thought it would hurt her feelings. But I never intentionally treated them different as far as rules and discipline. Your son is going to pick up on this if he hasn't already. It will hurt him very much. When I noticed I had a more affectionate relationship with my daughter than my son I wanted to change it. I didn't want him to feel as though I didn't love him as much as his sister. Every time my daughter would hug me or when I would hug her I made sure I would hug him and tell him I loved him. I would even take time out to spend with just him doing the stuff he enjoyed like wrestling, football etc. Eventually he became closer to me and now I don't feel as though they are different. My children both spend time with their biological mom now, but they still love me and treat me the same and they know I treat them the same. If your son doesn't ever see his mom he is going to feel like he has no one. You really need to put more effort into your son. If not it will only make things worse in the long run. If your daughter picks up on it she might even use it against him. I would take time out to spend with just your son you need to get closer to him. If you work on your relationship with him eventually the way you do things will change.

Answer 4

I see that you are a good human-being. It's quite natural that you don't see the same affection that you see in your daughter than in him. You don't need to feel ashamed or guilty about that. It's as natural as feeling hungry.

I only suggest you try your best. Think him as someone born with a birth defect where his defect is that he doesn't live with his biological mom. Your general kindness (which you already have) is sufficient to take care of him though it may not completely replace his biological mother for which you don't need to feel guilty. But only try to make sure you don't create that impression in him. For ex., hugging your daughter repeatedly when he is watching etc.,

Answer 5

Does your son remind you of some emotional pain or resentment in the past? I think you may have some unresolved anger that kicks in when you are dealing with him. Good on you, for realising that he is innocent and wanting to do the right thing. Counselling would be the most effective way of healing your pain so you can be the mother you need to be. Very best wishes.

Answer 6

Wow....speaking from experience a.) he can see what is going on b.) if you don't start to fix it now he'll resent you and possibly hate you. my father (who was also in my life at a young age...also never new my biological father) always treated me unfairly. When he grows up he will start seeking "female" attention and probably get stepped on and hurt and continue to do so just to fulfill that void. It's great that you realize and admit what you are doing, but for the INNOCENT child's sake, be the mom he deserves and the mom that you know you can be.

Answer 7

Since you already share your feelings and tell the truth, I don't think you are bad person or bad mother for your children's. Maybe, you need to give some time for you and your kids. Since you can feel it is wrong, why not you start love him. I mean you can give more attention to him so that its will make you to love him more. Of course sometime children's are naughty and make us angry but what to do they are growing kids. You are mother and you have the right to scold them if they are wrong. But try to teach them in proper manner. Always try to think positive and sure you will feel happy in your life.

Answer 8

nicely they could be enjoying favorites. they might punish you greater given which you're older. or she basically will possibly no longer get caught. they might desire to cope with you the two. yet existence isnt common. in my kinfolk, my sister is older and gets away with greater then i do. she infrequently gets punished. and that i continually get blamed for what she does. yet besides the fact that the case, common or no longer, by no potential snitch except what they're doing is hurting them, and dont difficulty, she'll probable initiate entering into alot greater worry.

Answer 9

it must have taken a lot of courage to say that, you are very brave, now that you have admitted it, work on making it better, take time everyday to spend with him alone, give him an extra wink and hug, it will get better because you have recognized it, you are truly a special mom and i know it will be alright

Answer 10

You need to have consistant discipline for both kids for the sae\me offense. Try spending time alone with both kids giving them one on one attention.